Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.
Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave
Mayor Ted Wheeler today awarded lifelong Portland resident Bob Underwood the key to what’s left of the city. As a mob of Antifa and BLM activists set fire to local businesses to protest capitalism and system racism, Underwood paid homage to the city of his birth, describing the City of Roses as “a great place to grow up until about 1970.”
Mayor Wheeler concluded the event by apologizing to the mob for any inconvenience created by the ceremony.
Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave
Having completed the first phase of the investigation into the Christmas morning bombing in downtown Nashville, authorities have shipped the remains of the suspect to Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Charlotte, Wilmington, Tupelo and both Minneapolis and St. Paul.
After matching the DNA found at the scene to that of Anthony Quinn Warner, the Nashville coroner concluded that the suspect had died of coronavirus.
Services for Mr. Warner will be held Saturday at the Church of Scientology and Celebrity Centre of Nashville (open casket).
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave
Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced on Tuesday that amidst a fury of international criticism over recent foreign policy decisions, Israel would continue to follow the scientists, especially of the Iranian variety.
In the aftermath of the assassination of Iranian scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, Netanyahu promised that Israel would continue to act as a “100% effective vaccine against a nuclear Tehran.”
Netanyahu also advised that if former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is looking for his index finger that went missing last night, he might want to check on the floor behind his bookshelf.
Amidst what he described as “an epidemic of religious totalitarianism,” Netanyahu reminded Israeli citizens to continue practicing good hygiene and wearing masks before cutting away to a livestream of a highly aroused Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, perusing various porn sites.
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave
As the rest of America watched Amy Coney Barrett sworn-in to the nation’s highest court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was wrapping up cocaine-fueled confirmation of three more federal judges.
At the conclusion the week-long confirmation bender, a bleary-eyed McConnell emerged pantless from the Senate chamber, gave reporters a thumbs-up and then collapsed into the back of a black SUV before catching the next flight to Louisville. A McConnell spokesman said that the senator had no intentions of resting for very long as he intends before the election to confirm a textualist to the 11th Circuit, three originalists to the appellate courts and three strict constitutionalists to the D.C. Circuit.
McConnell also stated his intention to confirm two conservative judges at one time, which he referred to as “a judicial menage a trois.”
Harry Reid was unavailable for comment.
Miss Swimsuit USA, widely considered the country’s premier beach-body competition, is eliminating its swimsuit segment and will therefore cease to exist altogether. “Miss Swimsuit USA is a long-cherished American tradition which we intend to bring into the modern era by cancelling it forever” according to CEO Dawn Easterbrook.
The competition, which highlighted feminine beauty, grace, and confidence for nearly 100 years, will be replaced by an Antifa-sponsored poetry slam about the perils of being a pregnant man in Trump’s America.
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Senator Mitt Romney (R., Utah) announced today that he is not opposed in principle to moving forward with voting for a replacement for the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, stating that “If it comes to a vote, I’ll consult my conscience and my Creator and before voting a firm ‘nay’.”
Romney was lauded by political operatives on both sides of the aisle in Washington establishment for seeking to “turn down the country’s political temperature,” in the words of David French. “Both parties need to compromise,” said 99-year old former Secretary of State George P. Shultz, adding that “cynically putting it to a vote before handing over a huge political victory to the Democrats is what has historically made America great.”
At press time The Bulwark was calling for Romney to face a primary opponent for enabling Trump in exercising his constitutional duty.
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Tesla CEO Elon Musk introduced a sailboat powered entirely by renewable wind energy today to a group of journalists and high-tech insiders. Retailing at one-billion dollars, the Sailster is marketed primarily for tooling around the Mediterranean, trans-Atlantic voyages between Nice and Manhattan and house-shopping along the Rhode Island coast.
“Imagine sailing from San Francisco to Los Angeles, your arrival governed entirely by the the currents, the wind, and the local longshoreman unions,” said Musk, adding “Thanks to the Sailster, the dream of transiting the Atlantic with zero emissions will become a reality.”
Musk went on to challenge his audience to consider the implications of being able to sail from California the following Monday, arrive in Hawaii less than three weeks later, and then be back in California in time for the fall mudslide season.
At press time Musk was expressing concern that rising sea levels generated by global warming might add four or five months to the Hawaii journey.
Did you enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave