Nation Urged To Remain Calm, Consider Eating One Meal A Day

President Trump today called on Americans to “remain calm, exercise commonsense social distancing and consider eating just one meal a day.”

The comments were given in response to concerns that the U.S. food supply chains might be strained to the point of breaking. Trump went on to encourage citizens to “go on about your lives, get plenty of fresh, beautiful air and think about grazing on nuts for a majority of your daily caloric needs.”

When asked if Americans should be concerned that McDonalds has limited all customers to six-piece McNuggets, the president began to sob violently on Vice President Pence’s shoulder.

Trump Orders My Pillow® Guy To Manufacture McNuggets

Citing concern over the U.S. food supply chain and his own penchant for McDonalds, President Trump on Friday invoked the National Defense Act ordering My Pillow® founder and CEO Mike Lindell to place his factories on McNugget footing by the end of May.

Lindell, whose pillow facilities had only just completed the arduous task of transitioning to manufacturing masks, expressed confidence that his company can begin cranking out McDonalds-quality McNuggets by the president’s May 31 deadline. Lindell added that he expects by mid-June his 1,500 employees will also be able to produce Tangy BBQ, Sweet ‘n Sour, Hot Mustard, Honey Mustard and Trump-favorite Habanero Ranch dipping sauces.

When asked about concerns that his Executive Order might create a scarcity of soft sleeping surfaces stuffed with interlocking fill which adjusts to Americans’ widely-varying sleep positions, President Trump issued another Executive Order requiring that KFC begin manufacturing My Pillows®.

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Gorgeous Rainbow Straddles America As Trump, Clinton Step Down

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Look – it could happen. And Hurricane Matthew could pull out of North Carolina over that state’s bathroom law.

Before the emergence of Trump vulgar comments about women on Access Hollywood dominated the news cycle, Bill Clinton’s characterization of Obamacare as “the craziest thing in the world” was making headlines. To put Bill Clinton’s statement into perspective, he’s married to Hillary Clinton.

Trump – the gift who keeps on giving – has ensured the former president’s comments about Obama’s signature legislation are ancient history. So grave did the Trump camp deem their candidate’s comments on Access Hollywood that Trump deigned to fax in a characteristic pseudo-apology when The Donalnd does his best thinking/seething: at midnight.

[Tweet theme=”basic-border”]Remember when the New York Times was publishing all those stories about Bill Clinton groping women? Neither do I.[/Tweet]

Only time will tell if Trump, the most under-estimated presidential candidate of all time, can survive. Remember when the New York Times was publishing all those stories about Bill Clinton groping women? Neither do I.

Bill Clinton, of course, was the embodiment of a conventional politician while Trump is not, although few can doubt that had Trump rapped his comments about women he might have received an invitation to the White House.

Meanwhile, the seasoned Clinton machine is attempting to seize advantage with a top-to-bottom re-branding of their candidate:

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