Governor Calls On Californians To Limit Ventilator Use During Peak Hours

Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.

Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

Mayor Awards Portland Resident Key To What’s Left Of City

Mayor Ted Wheeler today awarded lifelong Portland resident Bob Underwood the key to what’s left of the city. As a mob of Antifa and BLM activists set fire to local businesses to protest capitalism and system racism, Underwood paid homage to the city of his birth, describing the City of Roses as “a great place to grow up until about 1970.”

Mayor Wheeler concluded the event by apologizing to the mob for any inconvenience created by the ceremony.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Nashville Bomber’s Remains Shipped To Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Jacksonville, Mobile, Charlotte

Having completed the first phase of the investigation into the Christmas morning bombing in downtown Nashville, authorities have shipped the remains of the suspect to Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Charlotte, Wilmington, Tupelo and both Minneapolis and St. Paul.

After matching the DNA found at the scene to that of Anthony Quinn Warner, the Nashville coroner concluded that the suspect had died of coronavirus.

Services for Mr. Warner will be held Saturday at the Church of Scientology and Celebrity Centre of Nashville (open casket).

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Miss Swimsuit USA To Drop Swimsuit Segment

Miss Swimsuit USA, widely considered the country’s premier beach-body competition, is eliminating its swimsuit segment and will therefore cease to exist altogether. “Miss Swimsuit USA is a long-cherished American tradition which we intend to bring into the modern era by cancelling it forever” according to CEO Dawn Easterbrook.

The competition, which highlighted feminine beauty, grace and confidence for nearly 100 years, will be replaced by an Antifa-sponsored poetry slam about the perils of being a pregnant man in Trump’s America.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Romney To Consult Conscience Before Rejecting Trump SCOTUS Nominee

Senator Mitt Romney (R., Utah) announced today that he is not opposed in principle to moving forward with voting for a replacement for the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, stating that “If it comes to a vote, I’ll consult my conscience and my Creator and before voting a firm ‘nay’.”

Romney was lauded by political operatives on both sides of the aisle in Washington establishment for seeking to “turn down the country’s political temperature,” in the words of David French. “Both parties need to compromise,” said 99-year old former Secretary of State George P. Shultz, adding that “cynically putting it to a vote before handing over a huge political victory to the Democrats is what has historically made America great.”

At press time The Bulwark was calling for Romney to face a primary opponent for enabling Trump in exercising his constitutional duty.

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Tesla Unveils Sailboat Powered Exclusively By Wind Power

Tesla CEO Elon Musk introduced a sailboat powered entirely by renewable wind energy today to a group of journalists and high-tech insiders. Retailing at one-billion dollars, the Sailster is marketed primarily for tooling around the Mediterranean, trans-Atlantic voyages between Nice and Manhattan and house-shopping along the Rhode Island coast.

“Imagine sailing from San Francisco to Los Angeles, your arrival governed entirely by the the currents, the wind, and the local longshoreman unions,” said Musk, adding “Thanks to the Sailster, the dream of transiting the Atlantic with zero emissions will become a reality.”

Musk went on to challenge his audience to consider the implications of being able to sail from California the following Monday, arrive in Hawaii less than three weeks later, and then be back in California in time for the fall mudslide season.

At press time Musk was expressing concern that rising sea levels generated by global warming might add four or five months to the Hawaii journey.

Did you enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Biden Warns Mob: You’re Crushing My Nuts In Wisconsin

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden issued a stern warning to those engaging looting, arson, destruction of property and unlawful violence in cities across America: “You’re crushing my nuts in Wisconsin.”

Biden went further than his previous, more generic condemnation of the violence in calling out key parts of his own constituency by name, namely, Antifa and Black Lives Matter activists. “Listen son,” said the former Vice President, “the mayhem and unrest you’re causing from Portland to Kenosha is criminal, un-American, immoral and absolutely killing me in the battleground states.”

Biden assured the violent faction of his coalition that if elected he would revert to the status quo ante and “you kids can again get your ya-yas out on day one of my presidency.”

Biden concluded his comments by reminding voters where they can donate to raise bail money for the violent demonstrators.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave