Americans Reminded To Wash Hands, Wear Masks, Be Under 60

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Anthony Fauci reminded Americans at a press conference today to take commonsense precautions against coronavirus, including washing hands, wearing masks and being under 60 years of age.

“The evidence is clear,” said Fauci, “there is little fear from the coronavirus if one practices good hygiene, socially distances is assiduously in the prime of life.”

Fauci was accused of hypocrisy last week when he attended a Washington Nationals baseball game where he removed his mask, failed to socially distance himself and was 79 years of age. In response to the accusations Fauci waved his resume and post-graduate degree in the air and said “Deal with it.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already – and thank you! – Dave

Governor Sends In National Guard To Burn Down Portland Courthouse

After more than two months of unsuccessful attempts by Antifa radicals to burn down the Mark O. Hatfield Federal Courthouse in downtown Portland, Oregon governor Kate Brown announced her decision to deploy her state’s national guard to finish the job.

“The people of Oregon will not tolerate the chaos and incompetence thriving in the heart of our largest city any longer. If socialist-anarchists can’t burn the whole system down and replace it with a workers paradise akin to Venezuela, then it is my duty as Oregon governor to do so myself.” Governor Brown then added that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler applauded the governor’s announcement, stating that he would award the prestigious key to the city to the first Antifa radical to throw a Molotov cocktail into an occupied police vehicle.

At press time Portland’s Chief of Police Chuck Levell was asking the governor if he would be eligible for the highly-coveted key.

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Company Stock Soars After CEO Tells Mob To Fuck Off

Stocks for the pharmaceutical giant Xancorp, Inc. (+8.4%) soared on Monday after CEO Hal Maffis told activists to “Fuck off” in response to repeated calls for his firm to make an official statement in support of Antifa and Black Lives Matter.

Over the weekend Maffis bypassed his firm’s staid Twitter feed to establish his own account on the social media platform, tweeting “Our company is committed to its mission of researching and developing life-saving pharmaceuticals. Any entity demanding that do anything else can suck it.” The tweet was pinned to the top of Maffis’ Twitter feed, which features an avatar of the smiling CEO extending his middle finger.

When Pulitzer-prize winning founder of the 1619 Project Nikole Hannah-Jones replied to Maffis’s tweet that “Xancorp’s silence is violence,” the CEO replied “Fuck you, nobody owns our silence,” followed by twenty-seven piles-of-shit icons.

Later, Maffis replied to a tweet by a Portland area Antifa member which called the CEO a fascist for failing to make a full-throated condemnation of capitalism by tweeting “Xancorp is committed to making huge profits by saving lives and by reinvesting those huge profits to save even more lives. If you don’t like it you can eat a bag of dicks, my friend.”

At press time Xancorp’s stock was up 184%.

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Newsroom Achieves Peak Diversity With Firing Of Final Dissenter

The San Francisco Chronicle achieved peak diversity on Monday with the firing of its final dissenting employee. The Bay Area’s most influential newspaper is believed to the first in the country to eliminate from its newsroom any and all vestige of minority viewpoints, politically incorrect opinions or contrary positions.

In doing so, the overwhelmingly white employees of the newspaper achieved what consultants refer to as “peak diversity,” a reference to the extent to which all in-house writers, journalists, editors, publishers and staffers hold identical progressive views, even as those views are in flux.

The fired writer, a conservative African-American Muslim lesbian, was not available for comment.

Enjoy this satire? Leave a comment below and share with a friend! – Dave

Masked Looter Obviously Mitt Romney

Washington D.C., – According to witnesses, a masked looter emerging from a Brooks Brothers store near the U.S. Capitol building is obviously Senator Mitt Romney (R-ish, Utah). Romney allegedly shattered the storefront window with an aluminum baseball bat and exited a few minutes later with a dark blue pinstriped suit, a handful of low-key red and blue ties and some extra-starched khakis for weekend wear.

When asked to how his violent and unlawful behavior squared with his religious convictions, Romney condemned President Trump’s divisive tone.

At press time Romney had re-entered the store for a handful of shoe horns before the dousing the premises with gasoline and torching it with a discarded cigarette.

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BREAKING NEWS: Woman Completely Satisfied

Long Beach, CA. – According to reports, area woman Elizabeth Boyd is momentarily experiencing complete satisfaction, untainted by fear or concerns about her family, COVID-19, police brutality, race riots, when her kids will return to school, or her weight.

Boyd’s husband says his wife is also not currently fearful that he’ll lose his health insurance, dissatisfied with his salary, upset by the fact that he didn’t shaved today, the fresh coffee mug ring next to the kitchen sink, or her weight. Boyd’s children confirmed that their mother is not currently rattled by her son Connor’s scrapped knee, daughter McKenna’s lack of enthusiasm for math, son Jack’s A- in English, the small pile of clothes accumulated on the floors of their rooms, or her weight.

Boyd’s friends have further confirmed that Boyd appears, if only fleetingly, to be anticipating her children’s future, thrilled with the fit of her newly-purchased jeans and satisfied with her weight.

At press time Boyd’s emotional satisfaction was shattered by a stray thought about the 2020 election.

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Major League Baseball To Speed Up Play By Canceling Season

New York, N.Y. – Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced a series of rule changes on Monday designed to speed up the pace of play, including a pitch clock, stricter limits on mound visits by managers and cancellation of the entire 2020 season.

“Our great game cannot maintain its rarified status in the American imagination without appealing to a younger, less patient, and more-easily distracted generation of Americans who care nothing for the nuances of double steals, hit-and-runs and small ball. It’s my belief this is best achieved by a series of reforms to the game, principally cancelling the 2020 season outright.”

At press time the league was also considering a ban on 1-0 games.

If you enjoyed this satire, kindly share it with others who might also. Thank you! – Dave

Law And Order Polling At All-time High

In a remarkable shift from just a week ago when law and order were deemed less popular than the coronavirus, pollsters across the country are now reporting that traditional concepts such as “lawfulness” have now surged in popularity across the country, particularly among minorities.

As sociologists struggled to explain what could be motivating a record number of Americans of all backgrounds to support peaceful protesters over violent mobs, firemen over arsonists and the police over looters, public officials at every level of government scrambled to signal to their constituents their support for the rule of law.

The rise in the popularity of lawfulness transcended all political, race, gender and socioeconomic lines and coincides with a period of joyful anarchy in American cities. The spike in the popularity for the enforcement of laws was most stark among owners and employees of minority-owned businesses, which coincidentally tend to proliferate in America’s urban areas.

Working-class African-Americans, who’ve been disproportionately affected by the recent spate of indoor fireworks, the unauthorized borrowing of unsold stereo equipment and a have demonstrated the starkest spike in support for the rule of law. Speaking in front of the smoldering ruins of the small grocery store that had been owned by his family for three generations, one Atlanta resident spoke for many when he said that these new norms actually hurt his community. “I always figured that if we lost the business I could go to work at Target” said the lifelong Georgian, apparently unaware that his local Target is also now a hole in the ground.

At press time the resident, who wished to remain anonymous because of his anti-crime stance, was wondering what impact the burning down of the local police station would have on his property values.