Miss Swimsuit USA To Drop Swimsuit Segment

Miss Swimsuit USA, widely considered the country’s premier beach-body competition, is eliminating its swimsuit segment and will therefore cease to exist altogether. “Miss Swimsuit USA is a long-cherished American tradition which we intend to bring into the modern era by cancelling it forever” according to CEO Dawn Easterbrook.

The competition, which highlighted feminine beauty, grace and confidence for nearly 100 years, will be replaced by an Antifa-sponsored poetry slam about the perils of being a pregnant man in Trump’s America.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Romney To Consult Conscience Before Rejecting Trump SCOTUS Nominee

Senator Mitt Romney (R., Utah) announced today that he is not opposed in principle to moving forward with voting for a replacement for the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, stating that “If it comes to a vote, I’ll consult my conscience and my Creator and before voting a firm ‘nay’.”

Romney was lauded by political operatives on both sides of the aisle in Washington establishment for seeking to “turn down the country’s political temperature,” in the words of David French. “Both parties need to compromise,” said 99-year old former Secretary of State George P. Shultz, adding that “cynically putting it to a vote before handing over a huge political victory to the Democrats is what has historically made America great.”

At press time The Bulwark was calling for Romney to face a primary opponent for enabling Trump in exercising his constitutional duty.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Tesla Unveils Sailboat Powered Exclusively By Wind Power

Tesla CEO Elon Musk introduced a sailboat powered entirely by renewable wind energy today to a group of journalists and high-tech insiders. Retailing at one-billion dollars, the Sailster is marketed primarily for tooling around the Mediterranean, trans-Atlantic voyages between Nice and Manhattan and house-shopping along the Rhode Island coast.

“Imagine sailing from San Francisco to Los Angeles, your arrival governed entirely by the the currents, the wind, and the local longshoreman unions,” said Musk, adding “Thanks to the Sailster, the dream of transiting the Atlantic with zero emissions will become a reality.”

Musk went on to challenge his audience to consider the implications of being able to sail from California the following Monday, arrive in Hawaii less than three weeks later, and then be back in California in time for the fall mudslide season.

At press time Musk was expressing concern that rising sea levels generated by global warming might add four or five months to the Hawaii journey.

Did you enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Biden Warns Mob: You’re Crushing My Nuts In Wisconsin

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden issued a stern warning to those engaging looting, arson, destruction of property and unlawful violence in cities across America: “You’re crushing my nuts in Wisconsin.”

Biden went further than his previous, more generic condemnation of the violence in calling out key parts of his own constituency by name, namely, Antifa and Black Lives Matter activists. “Listen son,” said the former Vice President, “the mayhem and unrest you’re causing from Portland to Kenosha is criminal, un-American, immoral and absolutely killing me in the battleground states.”

Biden assured the violent faction of his coalition that if elected he would revert to the status quo ante and “you kids can again get your ya-yas out on day one of my presidency.”

Biden concluded his comments by reminding voters where they can donate to raise bail money for the violent demonstrators.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Trump Outlines Plan For Moving Election To Cruise Ships

President Trump introduced at a White House press conference on Monday a plan to move the 2020 general to cruise ships anchored off the coast of Florida. “Imagine,” said Trump “popping by any of the numerous water taxis operating on both coasts of Florida, enjoying a 15- to 20-minute skiff ride to a big, beautiful cruise ship, and then voting for the candidate of your choice in any of the densely-populated buffet areas on Lido deck.”

When asked how handicapped voters would access Lido deck on the ship’s 14th floor, Trump suggested that voters would enter the midship elevators, wait until maximum occupancy had been met, “and then press “Lido deck” with your index finger, just like everybody else.” When asked why no cruises would be docked off the West Coast, Trump replied “You’re fake news.”

The president concluded the press conference by adding that the ships’ voters would then retire to their cabins overnight while the cruise set sail for Mar-a-Lago.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Americans Reminded To Wash Hands, Wear Masks, Be Under 60

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Anthony Fauci reminded Americans at a press conference today to take commonsense precautions against coronavirus, including washing hands, wearing masks and being under 60 years of age.

“The evidence is clear,” said Fauci, “there is little fear from the coronavirus if one practices good hygiene, socially distances is assiduously in the prime of life.”

Fauci was accused of hypocrisy last week when he attended a Washington Nationals baseball game where he removed his mask, failed to socially distance himself and was 79 years of age. In response to the accusations Fauci waved his resume and post-graduate degree in the air and said “Deal with it.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already – and thank you! – Dave

Governor Sends In National Guard To Burn Down Portland Courthouse

After more than two months of unsuccessful attempts by Antifa radicals to burn down the Mark O. Hatfield Federal Courthouse in downtown Portland, Oregon governor Kate Brown announced her decision to deploy her state’s national guard to finish the job.

“The people of Oregon will not tolerate the chaos and incompetence thriving in the heart of our largest city any longer. If socialist-anarchists can’t burn the whole system down and replace it with a workers paradise akin to Venezuela, then it is my duty as Oregon governor to do so myself.” Governor Brown then added that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler applauded the governor’s announcement, stating that he would award the prestigious key to the city to the first Antifa radical to throw a Molotov cocktail into an occupied police vehicle.

At press time Portland’s Chief of Police Chuck Levell was asking the governor if he would be eligible for the highly-coveted key.

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Company Stock Soars After CEO Tells Mob To Fuck Off

Stocks for the pharmaceutical giant Xancorp, Inc. (+8.4%) soared on Monday after CEO Hal Maffis told activists to “Fuck off” in response to repeated calls for his firm to make an official statement in support of Antifa and Black Lives Matter.

Over the weekend Maffis bypassed his firm’s staid Twitter feed to establish his own account on the social media platform, tweeting “Our company is committed to its mission of researching and developing life-saving pharmaceuticals. Any entity demanding that do anything else can suck it.” The tweet was pinned to the top of Maffis’ Twitter feed, which features an avatar of the smiling CEO extending his middle finger.

When Pulitzer-prize winning founder of the 1619 Project Nikole Hannah-Jones replied to Maffis’s tweet that “Xancorp’s silence is violence,” the CEO replied “Fuck you, nobody owns our silence,” followed by twenty-seven piles-of-shit icons.

Later, Maffis replied to a tweet by a Portland area Antifa member which called the CEO a fascist for failing to make a full-throated condemnation of capitalism by tweeting “Xancorp is committed to making huge profits by saving lives and by reinvesting those huge profits to save even more lives. If you don’t like it you can eat a bag of dicks, my friend.”

At press time Xancorp’s stock was up 184%.

Enjoy this satire? Share it with a friend! – Dave