In an unprecedented development, two Native American tribes have issued public acknowledgments recognizing the other’s original stewardship of the land upon which their respective gaming establishments are built.
Sioux Nation’s popular Slot Land has transformed Cree’s ancient hunting grounds into a popular gaming destination for locals and tourists alike. Similarly, Cree Nation’s Gaming Palace is built on the Sioux’s holiest burial site.
Sioux Nation’s land acknowledgment expresses sorrow for building North America’s largest Let-It-Ride tournament where Cree civilization thrived for more than a thousand years before the birth of George Washington. For its part, Cree Nation’s land acknowledgement specifically expresses regret for hosting the incredibly profitable World Series of Poker directly above the grave of the Sioux’s most revered chief, Sitting Bull.
At time of writing both tribes are claiming to have the loosest slots west of the Mississippi River.
David Deeble, a standup comedian referred to by his critics as an “insult comic,” brazenly opened up his set at Sarah Lawrence College by addressing the audience as “Ladies and gentlemen.” “Discomfort in the room was immediate and palpable” said booker Gwynyd Simms (she/her, Bachelor of Arts in English.) “In hindsight, the absence of pronouns on his résumé was the first red flag,” she added. (Simms would later embark on a month-long listening tour after being reminded that the term “red flag” is deemed offensive to indigenous peoples.)
According to witnesses, tension in the room only increased after Deeble claimed to have gotten married “old school – to a woman.” Undeterred, Deeble went on to say that he had “three children – one of each,” according an audience member who wished not to be identified as their identity is currently in transition. The edgy comic then went on to tell a story of the year he spent in San Francisco where he was not only president of the Bay Area Republicans Club but that he was also “the member.” (A spokeswoman for Sara Lawrence stated that an investigation by the college concluded that no such organization exists.)
Event organizers ultimately turned off Deeble’s microphone after launching into into a bit about being vaccinated but un-boosted. According to a statement on Deeble’s website he will now focus his career on church shows where at least taboo topics and language remain the same from day to day.
President Biden conceded on Friday that the search for mishandled classified documents may turn up additional homes. After searches of his homes in both Wilmington and Rehoboth Beach, Delaware as well as his offices at the Penn Biden Center in Washington, Biden stated that he “can’t rule out the possibility” that more homes will be found.
When pressed by Fox News reporter Peter Doocy, Biden appeared to enter a fugue-like state, saying “Let’s see, there’s the mansion in Greenville I bought from the DuPonts – no joke… we called it The Station. Anyway, sources and methods pertaining to the Taliban might just turn up there… then we flipped The Station and bought the place in Wilmington, which has been searched top to bottom by my fixers, er, I mean officials from Justice Department… ditto my bachelor pad in Rehoboth…”
The President then appeared to nod off again before acknowledging that classified documents may in fact turn up at the five-bedroom property they rented in McClean, Virginia, where former first lady Jackie Kennedy grew up.
After 15-minute nap at the podium Biden appeared to regain his energy, stating “Then there’s my corner booth at Johnny’s Half Shell where between the cushions you might just find a list of CIA black op sites… best crab cakes in the country, Johnny’s… beneath my table at the Old Ebbitt Grill might just turn up some info about the Sandanistas that’ll blow your frickin’ mind… Jesus but that waitress at Old Ebbitts, she’s probably my age now… I also bet you two bits that in one of the toilet stalls at The Monocle you’ll find transcripts of phone conversations between Jimmy Carter and the Shah.”
At the time of this writing Biden was being escorted from the podium by a staffer in an Easter Bunny costume.
A woman’s last name was discovered butchered last week by a man believe to be a serial killer. The suspected murderer, who has yet to be identified, variously pronounced Amanda Jonigkeit’s (pronounced YAH-nik-kite) last name as “John-ig-keit,” “Yahn-ich-keet,” and “Johnson.”
Witnesses at the scene expressed exasperation at how anyone could so utterly mangle a woman’s last name in the prime of her life. “This was Amanda’s big night” said Jonigkeit’s friend and colleague Sara Tiller. “She was being introduced a Saleswoman Of The Year when the emcee and suspected serial killer left the podium having slaughtered Jonigkeit’s last name over the course of more than two minutes before finally settling on “Amanda.”
“It was horrific” said another witness who wished not to be identified lest the serial killer seek revenge by mutilating their last name. Local authorities are working with state officials and the FBI in order to identify the man who is also believed to have also bungled Barack Obama’s last name while discussing the Osama bin Laden assassination, referring to the former president as “Barack Osama” before quickly attempting to cover up his malapropism.
A person familiar with the investigation says that authorities believe the killer will continue to butcher last names until he is apprehended or starts doing his homework.
Sam Brinton, the disgraced Department of Energy official fired for serial theft of luggage and not for being non-binary, has found new employment at Washington, D.C.’s Dulles International Airport. “At Dulles, diversity is our strength” said the airport’s Operations Director Mike Stewart.
Upon hiring Brinton, airport management and the Service Employees International Union quickly renegotiated their collective bargaining agreement, creating a carve-out for Brinton against rules that prohibit high heels and long dresses from being worn in the workplace. (Dress regulations still apply to cis-gendered female employees.)
According to Brinton, whose pronouns are they/them, he is enjoying his exciting new career path. “The pace can be frantic for sure,” he said, adding that “Sometimes I can hardly steal a moment for myself.”
The engaged Brinton arrives at his new job just as Dulles is experiencing a marked surge in missing luggage, bringing greater pressure to the job. “Secretary of Transportation Buttigieg is doing a tremendous job on that front I can tell you” he said as he attempted to extricate the train of his wedding gown from the conveyer belt before it swallowed him alive and endangered those around him.
According to shift forewoman Stephanie Grouser, “Sam has his sights set on becoming an airline pilot, where he’d bring a lot of diversity.” In the U.S., female pilots currently outnumber non-binary ones by just over 29,000 to zero.
By David Deeble. See David’s YouTube channel here.