Jewish Comedian To Break Out New Material For Congress
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Category Archives: Politics
Newsom Shutters Vaccine Distribution Centers Over Coronavirus Concerns
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave
Biden Warns Mob: You’re Crushing My Nuts In Wisconsin
Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden issued a stern warning to those engaging looting, arson, destruction of property and unlawful violence in cities across America: “You’re crushing my nuts in Wisconsin.”
Biden went further than his previous, more generic condemnation of the violence in calling out key parts of his own constituency by name, namely, Antifa and Black Lives Matter activists. “Listen son,” said the former Vice President, “the mayhem and unrest you’re causing from Portland to Kenosha is criminal, un-American, immoral and absolutely killing me in the battleground states.”
Biden assured the violent faction of his coalition that if elected he would revert to the status quo ante and “you kids can again get your ya-yas out on day one of my presidency.”
Biden concluded his comments by reminding voters where they can donate to raise bail money for the violent demonstrators.
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave
Trump Outlines Plan For Moving Election To Cruise Ships
President Trump introduced at a White House press conference on Monday a plan to move the 2020 general to cruise ships anchored off the coast of Florida. “Imagine,” said Trump “popping by any of the numerous water taxis operating on both coasts of Florida, enjoying a 15- to 20-minute skiff ride to a big, beautiful cruise ship, and then voting for the candidate of your choice in any of the densely-populated buffet areas on Lido deck.”
When asked how handicapped voters would access Lido deck on the ship’s 14th floor, Trump suggested that voters would enter the midship elevators, wait until maximum occupancy had been met, “and then press “Lido deck” with your index finger, just like everybody else.” When asked why no cruises would be docked off the West Coast, Trump replied “You’re fake news.”
The president concluded the press conference by adding that the ships’ voters would then retire to their cabins overnight while the cruise set sail for Mar-a-Lago.
Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave
Gorgeous Rainbow Straddles America As Trump, Clinton Step Down
Look – it could happen. And Hurricane Matthew could pull out of North Carolina over that state’s bathroom law.
Before the emergence of Trump vulgar comments about women on Access Hollywood dominated the news cycle, Bill Clinton’s characterization of Obamacare as “the craziest thing in the world” was making headlines. To put Bill Clinton’s statement into perspective, he’s married to Hillary Clinton.
Trump – the gift who keeps on giving – has ensured the former president’s comments about Obama’s signature legislation are ancient history. So grave did the Trump camp deem their candidate’s comments on Access Hollywood that Trump deigned to fax in a characteristic pseudo-apology when The Donalnd does his best thinking/seething: at midnight.
[Tweet theme=”basic-border”]Remember when the New York Times was publishing all those stories about Bill Clinton groping women? Neither do I.[/Tweet]
Only time will tell if Trump, the most under-estimated presidential candidate of all time, can survive. Remember when the New York Times was publishing all those stories about Bill Clinton groping women? Neither do I.
Bill Clinton, of course, was the embodiment of a conventional politician while Trump is not, although few can doubt that had Trump rapped his comments about women he might have received an invitation to the White House.
Meanwhile, the seasoned Clinton machine is attempting to seize advantage with a top-to-bottom re-branding of their candidate:
Return to daviDDeeble.com or learn more about my talk, Winning With A Bad Hand.
Stop Pining For A Clinton-Trump Dream Ticket
Change You Can Believe In, Okay?
Look, I get it: the American people face a difficult choice. Now that both parties’ primaries are over and the general election is finally upon us, it seems unfair that we must choose between Clinton or Trump.
But talk about a good problem to have!
Sure, it’d be nice to have a candidate on the ticket who embodied both the unbridled ambition of Clinton and the unmoored political philosophy of Trump – like Joseph Stalin, say. But instead of losing sleep over this decision, be grateful that God has blessed America with such a bountiful general election!
Don’t get me wrong: I’m conflicted just like everybody else. On the one hand, Hillary would be our first woman president. I think we can all agree that the last thing this country needs is another George Washington or Abraham Lincoln: BOR-ing! On the other hand, in Trump we have the kind of candidate who would protect America’s interests as only a true authoritarian can.
I understand why some are losing sleep lose sleep over this election. One minute I’m leaning Hillary: from the reset with Russia, the invasion of Libya and her handling of the difficult situation in Benghazi to the fact that she’s never been indicted, Hillary’s résumé speaks for itself. Talk about an ability to think inside the box! But hen I fluff my pillow and suddenly I’m leaning Trump, who understands that it’s the Constitution that’s obstructionist, not Republicans or Democrats as such.
Like many Americans, I was hoping that once the primaries were over that the choice before us would be a clear one rather than the current embarrassment of riches. The Republican primary showcased its remarkable depth of talented and young politicians, from Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Scott Walker to Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry and Chris Christie. And while the Democrats’ primary was a cozier affair, who couldn’t help but be impressed by candidates like Bernie Sanders, Martin O’Malley and something called Lincoln Chaffee.
But now we must make the most difficult choice of all: the jingoistic nativism of the unpredictable Trump or the corrupt cronyism of the all-too predictable Hillary. I hear you: [tweetthis]Why can’t we have a Clinton-Trump dream ticket?[/tweetthis] Well wish all you want but as Trump would say, it’s time to think white and get real. Maybe when Clinton and Trump debate one candidate will clearly stand out as less cover-your-eyes-awful than the other. But until that happens, I feel like the proverbial donkey who starves to death because it can’t decide which pile of hay to eat from because they both look so appetizing.
Return to daviDDeeble.com or see me perform the Flaming Marshmallow of Mystery on the Late Late Show.
Progressive Peanuts Specials
It’s A Gluten-Free Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown
The gang has its awareness raised of Woodstock’s dubious gluten allergy while learning that shared sacrifice isn’t always delicious.
It’s A Hetero-Normative Valentine’s Day, Charlie Brown
Charlie learns that the valentine he receives from a classmate is only the expression of the dominant, heteronormative society in which he lives and that in any event love, unlike tenure, is merely a social construct.
Eat Your Spinach, Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown learns that in nutrition as in everything else, government scolds know best. (Viewer discretion advised: frank portrayals of gluten.)
Check Your Privilege, Charlie Brown
Charlie learns that his incredible career success has come at the expense of women, minorities, gays, bisexuals, bigendered, transgendered, cisgendered, queer and other government-favored groups.
It’s An Culturally Sensitive Halloween, Charlie Brown
Lucy takes offense at Charlie Brown’s Halloween costume only to learn that he’s not actually wearing one, then flies into a rage over his failure to do so. (Viewer discretion advised: stereotyping).
It’s The Grievance Sweepstakes, Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown learns that rights inhere in groups and are to be unsheathed and used to hit opposing groups on the head.
Linus Seeks A Safe Space
Linus’ first day at college goes poorly when he’s informed that entering the nearest safe space requires passing through buildings inspired by Greek and Roman architecture.
Charlie Brown Identifies As Black
No sooner does Charlie Brown identify as African-American that he begins to feel the oppressive scourge of institutional racism.
You’re Part Of The Problem, Charlie Brown
Peppermint Patty gets angry when Charlie Brown expresses reluctance to identify as the sister she never had.
Life Is A Trigger Warning, Charlie Brown
Life for the gang quickly becomes complicated upon learning that everyone is entitled to feel offended at anything and at anytime.
Return to daviDDeeble.com or see how I reinvented myself after a head injury cost me the coordination in my right arm.