Illinois Flooded With Ex-Governors As Prisons Emptied Over Coronavirus Concerns

Illinois has been inundated with a rising tide of former governors as federal penitentiaries released hundreds of convicts over coronavirus concerns. In Chicago, residents were forced to evacuate their homes as basements became flooded with the likes of George Ryan (R., racketeering) and Rod Blogojevich (D., lying to federal agents.)

Downstate in Cairo, residents were forced onto rooftops as the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers overflowed their banks with the addition of former Illinois governors Otto Kerner (D., mail fraud, conspiracy, perjury) and Dan Walker (D., bank fraud, filing false financial statements.)

At press time current Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker was purchasing a new home on high ground using funds donated to his re-election campaign.

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Newsom To Open California Beaches One Grain Of Sand At A Time

In response to his state’s increasing calls for a path back to normalcy, Governor Gavin Newsom (D) announced plans to allow California’s beaches to re-open one grain of sand at a time. “The process must begin now, as opening up our world-class beaches will be a long one. In fact, an eternity” said Newsom, who then smiled wryly in the way only petty tyrants can.

The announcement reflects a policy shift for Newsom, who just days ago had called for “Lockdown today, lockdown tomorrow, lockdown forever!”

Polls suggests that Californians have widely-panned the move as a cynical ploy to burnish Newsom’s presidential ambitions in anticipation of the the 2024 election. As a politically powerful white male, the California governor is uniquely situated to pat a minority lesbian on the head for the bottom of the Democratic ticket.

Imperial College Researchers Model Likely Impact Of Weekend Booty Calls

Imperial College researchers released a study on Monday weighing the likely impact on the spread of COVID-19 of having your married, mother-of-two mistress pop by from the other side of London for a quick shag.

Disgraced former Imperial College lead researcher Niall Ferguson said that the results were inconclusive and that further study was required.

Nation Urged To Remain Calm, Consider Eating One Meal A Day

President Trump today called on Americans to “remain calm, exercise commonsense social distancing and consider eating just one meal a day.”

The comments were given in response to concerns that the U.S. food supply chains might be strained to the point of breaking. Trump went on to encourage citizens to “go on about your lives, get plenty of fresh, beautiful air and think about grazing on nuts for a majority of your daily caloric needs.”

When asked if Americans should be concerned that McDonalds has limited all customers to six-piece McNuggets, the president began to sob violently on Vice President Pence’s shoulder.

Trump Orders My Pillow® Guy To Manufacture McNuggets

Citing concern over the U.S. food supply chain and his own penchant for McDonalds, President Trump on Friday invoked the National Defense Act ordering My Pillow® founder and CEO Mike Lindell to place his factories on McNugget footing by the end of May.

Lindell, whose pillow facilities had only just completed the arduous task of transitioning to manufacturing masks, expressed confidence that his company can begin cranking out McDonalds-quality McNuggets by the president’s May 31 deadline. Lindell added that he expects by mid-June his 1,500 employees will also be able to produce Tangy BBQ, Sweet ‘n Sour, Hot Mustard, Honey Mustard and Trump-favorite Habanero Ranch dipping sauces.

When asked about concerns that his Executive Order might create a scarcity of soft sleeping surfaces stuffed with interlocking fill which adjusts to Americans’ widely-varying sleep positions, President Trump issued another Executive Order requiring that KFC begin manufacturing My Pillows®.

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Biden Makes Unscheduled Campaign Stop In Pantry

Joe Biden made an impromptu campaign stop in the pantry of his home on Wednesday, where the presumptive Democratic nominee addressed healthcare, the coronavirus crisis and trying to recall why he had entered the pantry in the first place.

The former Vice President, taking questions from reporters over Skype, again dismissed allegations made by his former staffer Tara Reade that he had digitally penetrated her against her will in 1993, stating “I don’t know the first thing about computers.” Biden then proceeded to accidentally mute the Skype app while repeating the words “Next question” with increasing stridency.

When asked if he had ruled out either Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams, Amy Klobuchar or Elizabeth Warren as a potential running mate, Biden responded that he had great confidence in them all, adding “I’d feel confident tapping any one of those gals.”

Finally escorted out of the pantry without procuring anything, the visibly tired candidate puttered around the house for ten minutes before touching down in the hotly-contested battleground of the den.

Police Break Up Large Gathering Outside Unemployment Office

Fairbanks, Alaska – Police officers broke up a large gathering of people outside an unemployment office on Monday. The assembled individuals, rendered jobless since the state instituted its social distancing policy, had formed an orderly line outside the office’s front door during the early morning hours in order to avoid a big crowd of people.

Fairbanks, just 4,300 miles from the heart of the U.S. outbreak in New York City, is located in central Alaska, a state which has banned gatherings of more than ten people per square mile. Joe Kleinsmith, who was laid off during government-mandated recession, was one of those detained by police. “I was surprised how safe I felt in jail,” said the newly-minted former construction worker, referring to the furloughing of violent criminals in order to make room for those exercising their right to earn a living wage.

Since the first-reported U.S. coronavirus case in early March, Alaska has reported more fatalities from from slipping on ice (10) than the novel coronavirus (9). As a result, state health officials have banned ice through August 15.

Cuomo: Enough With The Ventilators Already

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY): “I beg you: stop sending us ventilators.”

At today’s press briefing New York governor Andrew Cuomo issued a rousing call to his fellow Americans to stop sending his state ventilators: “Seriously, it’s getting out of hand. Let me be clear: stop sending New York ventilators already.”

The governor, who spoke flanked by his lieutenant governor, three state health officials and more than two-thousand just-arrived ventilators from Texas, at times showed flashes of anger at the rest of the country. “To reiterate,” he said, “the Empire State is up to its eyeballs in ventilators.”

At the conclusion of the briefing the governor became briefly lost attempting to negotiate his way to the exit through the maze of ventilators before turning around and shouting at his staffers “The other way! The other way!”

At press time, more than a dozen Airbus A380s were approaching the runway at Albany International Airport, each containing more than one-thousand ventilators from Washington state.