Sometimes A Strip Poker Invite Is Just A Strip Poker Invite

Even Freud recognized that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

As embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) fights off allegations ranging from the unserious (covering up the number of Covid deaths in state nursing homes) to the very serious (complimenting a woman’s haircut), it’s time our culture readdressed power dynamics, sexual harassment, and the #MeToo movement. 

According to an AP report, a former member of the governor’s administration said that Cuomo suggested that they should play strip poker. Many readers, including myself, are asking the question has that ever worked?

Our era is one in which everything is fraught with a hidden meaning, usually of a sexual nature. Long gone are the days when a man can innocently invite an unpaid female intern who’s young enough to be his daughter to play strip poker without it being interpreted as something inappropriate. Men have been reminded repeatedly that No means no. This is as it should be. But shouldn’t it be equally clear that “Would you like to play a form of poker with me in which the player with the losing hand forfeits an item of clothing until we’re both naked?” means exactly that and nothing else? Why does everything have to be seen through a sexual lens? 

Frankly I don’t even see the connection. What – is the idea that proposing to a subordinate that repairing to a cozy place where we can enjoy little privacy and play some cards in the nude somehow has sexual overtones? I honestly don’t get it. 

Now don’t get me wrong: one should never make such a proposal. Not because of any alleged sexual connotation but because it’s a cliché. What could be more hackneyed than me, a 50-year old man living on a juggler’s salary trying to earn a little a few bucks off the new hire with an all-night round of strip poker? 

If the people of New York believe Cuomo should resign, then he should do so. I have nothing personal against him. In fact, some of my best friends have made utterly counterintuitive decisions which cost the lives of thousands of people and then attempted to cover it up. 

This just in: Cuomo has received a special Granny Award™ for his handling of the Covid crisis.

Fauci: “Nothing stops. Or am I being obtuse?”

The nation’s highest-paid federal employee issued a stern warning to all Americans on Monday, stating that the long-awaited vaccines against COVID-19 won’t alter the longterm necessity of masks, school closures, lockdowns, and social distancing measures. 

Responding to a question from a reporter about the possibility of relaxing restrictions once a majority of Americans have been vaccinated against the coronavirus, Dr. Fauci replied “Nothing stops. Nothing! Or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protections from the Bill of Rights. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the New York nursing home residents. Wearing a mask is too onerous? I’ll make you wear three – and throw in a charcoal filter just for giggles.”

When asked about the prospect of again singing in church, Dr. Fauci replied “Churches? Gone. Sealed off brick by brick. We’ll have us a little hymnal barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. Elites will dance around it like wild Injuns, er, I mean Native Americans. Do you understand me? Are you catching my drift? Or am I being obtuse?” Dr. Fauci then held up his Ph.D and said “Put your trust in The Word. Your ass belongs to me.”

The press conference concluded with Dr. Fauci instructing President Biden to “Give ’em another year to think about it.” 

Cuomo Receives Special Emmy For Nursing Home Cover Up

Having become the first politician receive the Emmy’s coveted Founders Award for his 111 press briefing in 2020, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will receive a second Emmy for his role as a tough-as-nails Democrat of immense probity who in reality was covering up the fatal consequences of his decision to send Covid-positive patients to recover in upstate nursing homes.

On March 2, 2020, Cuomo conducted a media briefing from Manhattan to delude New Yorkers and the public at large about the coronavirus outbreak that was just starting to be recognized as a massive public health threat. The 110 briefings that followed would be aired on CNN, MSNBC and other fake news outlets.

Cuomo’s lies, angry deflections and refusal to take any responsibility for policy mistakes have reinforced his image as the kind of governor New Yorkers deserve. Cuomo is especially popular in the state’s urban areas: on Thursday approximately 10,000 people gathered in Central Park chanting “Thank you sir may I have another” while supporters in Buffalo marched downtown carrying banners which read “Cuomo-Spitzer 2024.”

At press time the Pulitzer Prize Board was hastily creating a special award for Cuomo’s book American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the Covid-19 Pandemic.

Munchkin Coroner: Wicked Witch Died Of Covid

Munchkinland – According to Munchkinland coroner Dweebnic McPhallanx III, the hated Wicked Witch of the East died of complications related to COVID-19. At an impromptu press conference where the old bat’s corpse was prominently displayed, the 712-year old McPhallanx stated “As coroner, I must aver, having thoroughly examined her that she’s not only merely dead she’s really quite sincerely dead.”

As the county seat of the Land of Oz, Munchkinland officials reserved the right to ensure that the daft shrew from hell – who was frequently seen without a mask – was legally, morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.

The coroner’s announcement put to rest a widely-held conspiracy theory that the death of the vicious hag had to do with a frigging house landing on her dome.

Though Munchkindland was previously thought to be free of the virus, the coroner’s determination meant an automatic return to the lockdown policies imposed last March by the city’s absolutely adorable public health officials. Mayor Alperoo Vercingetorix IV added that in addition to a reimposition of mask requirements and social distancing mandates, Munchkin children would have to remain in their nests until further notice.

The old battle-ax’s funeral arrangements have not yet been made public, though the mayor assured the citizenry that “It’ll be a real rager.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Governor Calls On Californians To Limit Ventilator Use During Peak Hours

Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.

Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

Illinois Flooded With Ex-Governors As Prisons Emptied Over Coronavirus Concerns

Illinois has been inundated with a rising tide of former governors as federal penitentiaries released hundreds of convicts over coronavirus concerns. In Chicago, residents were forced to evacuate their homes as basements became flooded with the likes of George Ryan (R., racketeering) and Rod Blogojevich (D., lying to federal agents.)

Downstate in Cairo, residents were forced onto rooftops as the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers overflowed their banks with the addition of former Illinois governors Otto Kerner (D., mail fraud, conspiracy, perjury) and Dan Walker (D., bank fraud, filing false financial statements.)

At press time current Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker was purchasing a new home on high ground using funds donated to his re-election campaign.

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Newsom To Open California Beaches One Grain Of Sand At A Time

In response to his state’s increasing calls for a path back to normalcy, Governor Gavin Newsom (D) announced plans to allow California’s beaches to re-open one grain of sand at a time. “The process must begin now, as opening up our world-class beaches will be a long one. In fact, an eternity” said Newsom, who then smiled wryly in the way only petty tyrants can.

The announcement reflects a policy shift for Newsom, who just days ago had called for “Lockdown today, lockdown tomorrow, lockdown forever!”

Polls suggests that Californians have widely-panned the move as a cynical ploy to burnish Newsom’s presidential ambitions in anticipation of the the 2024 election. As a politically powerful white male, the California governor is uniquely situated to pat a minority lesbian on the head for the bottom of the Democratic ticket.