How To Ruin Your Event

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Screen Shot 2013-02-18 at 11.21.34 AMThere’s lots of ways to ruin an event. Let’s talk about ruining the entertainment portion, especially if you have gone with comedy.

With any type of live entertainment there is a relationship between the audience and the performer. And nowhere is this more pronounced than with comedy entertainment which, when performed at the highest level, is much more like a dialogue than a monologue. The audience might be able to chat amongst themselves and still enjoy a rock band, but not so with, say stand-up: to be successful the craft requires an audience that is totally engaged.

A professional, experienced and talented comedian knows when an audience isn’t with her and will prattle, prod and engage an audience until she knows they are focused and only then will he get to the heart of her act and the business of making them laugh.

But how, you may ask, can I make a comedy entertainer’s job as difficult as possible?

Let’s say you’re a professional event planner or someone who is otherwise responsible for planning an event for your company. You’ve done your homework and found an comedian who is accomplished, a pleasure to work with and perfectly suits your needs. Now the question is, what can you do to thwart this his remarkable talents and years of experience and make everyone in attendance uncomfortable at the same time?

Here are a few simple things you can do to ensure that the delicate, essential bond between an audience and a comedian is tenuous at best or, better yet, never established in the first place.

Schedule The Entertainer Immediately After A Break

The room is pumped. The most-popular, hardest-working guy or gal in the company has just received his well-deserved award from the CEO and the energy in the room is at its peak. Whatever you do, don’t harness the audience’s energy by immediately introducing to the stage the entertainer you’ve budgeted a sizable sum to procure. Instead, have the CEO, emcee or whoever has the floor to announce a break “of about 15 minutes”. That should be enough time for the room to deflate, the energy vanish and allow the stragglers to head back into the room and settle into their seats while chatting with their fellow fellow employees about golf plans for the following weekend.

Seat The Audience At Round Banquet Tables

For the love of God, you’re not going to ensure that all the seats in the audience are facing the stage, are you? No, no, no. When an entertainer walks on stage you want roughly half the audience facing the back of the room. That way more people will be able to tell when the line for the open bar is down to only a few people. You might also consider leaving the doors in the back of the room open, allowing those seated with their backs to the stage to “people watch” the smokers, stragglers and maybe even catch a glimpse of that woman from the coat check with the ineffable aura about her. Ideally, you want these people who face the back of the room to be completely unaware of what is going on on the stage. Think muzak.

Serve Food During The Show

When a world-class comedy entertainer and a mediocre salad go head to head, the salad wins every time. Anything requiring utensils is best – after all, people are capable of enjoying a comedian with finger food like popcorn just as they are capable of enjoying a movie. Of course, it never hurts to have hard-working servers bustling from table to table pouring water, grinding pepper and sending that steak back to the kitchen until it’s done right.

Arrange For A Large, Empty Space Between The Stage And The Front Row

Nothing is more conducive to an attentive, engaged audience like seating them as close to the stage as possible. There’s an intimacy to this seating arrangement that mimics the openness and rapport of an private conversation. This is why you want a large empty space surrounding the stage. Many venues place a small stage against the wall of a large banquet hall and surround it with a large, empty dance floor: this is the ideal way to ensure your money and reputation go to waste. Nothing sends the the audience the signal “You have nothing to do with this performance” quite like seating everyone no less than a metric mile of the edge of the stage. This way audience members can chat with each other throughout the show while feeling – wrongly – that it has no impact on the overall performance.

The above are just a few basic, feng-shui examples of how to ruin the entertainment portion of your event. The truth is, there are almost as many ways to ruin it as there are second-rate entertainers to ruin it for you.

Do you know other ways to ensure that entertaining at your event is as uphill a battle as possible?

Romney To Consult Conscience Before Rejecting Trump SCOTUS Nominee

Senator Mitt Romney (R., Utah) announced today that he is not opposed in principle to moving forward with voting for a replacement for the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, stating that “If it comes to a vote, I’ll consult my conscience and my Creator and before voting a firm ‘nay’.”

Romney was lauded by political operatives on both sides of the aisle in Washington establishment for seeking to “turn down the country’s political temperature,” in the words of David French. “Both parties need to compromise,” said 99-year old former Secretary of State George P. Shultz, adding that “cynically putting it to a vote before handing over a huge political victory to the Democrats is what has historically made America great.”

At press time The Bulwark was calling for Romney to face a primary opponent for enabling Trump in exercising his constitutional duty.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Tesla Unveils Sailboat Powered Exclusively By Wind Power

Tesla CEO Elon Musk introduced a sailboat powered entirely by renewable wind energy today to a group of journalists and high-tech insiders. Retailing at one-billion dollars, the Sailster is marketed primarily for tooling around the Mediterranean, trans-Atlantic voyages between Nice and Manhattan and house-shopping along the Rhode Island coast.

“Imagine sailing from San Francisco to Los Angeles, your arrival governed entirely by the the currents, the wind, and the local longshoreman unions,” said Musk, adding “Thanks to the Sailster, the dream of transiting the Atlantic with zero emissions will become a reality.”

Musk went on to challenge his audience to consider the implications of being able to sail from California the following Monday, arrive in Hawaii less than three weeks later, and then be back in California in time for the fall mudslide season.

At press time Musk was expressing concern that rising sea levels generated by global warming might add four or five months to the Hawaii journey.

Did you enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Biden Warns Mob: You’re Crushing My Nuts In Wisconsin

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden issued a stern warning to those engaging looting, arson, destruction of property and unlawful violence in cities across America: “You’re crushing my nuts in Wisconsin.”

Biden went further than his previous, more generic condemnation of the violence in calling out key parts of his own constituency by name, namely, Antifa and Black Lives Matter activists. “Listen son,” said the former Vice President, “the mayhem and unrest you’re causing from Portland to Kenosha is criminal, un-American, immoral and absolutely killing me in the battleground states.”

Biden assured the violent faction of his coalition that if elected he would revert to the status quo ante and “you kids can again get your ya-yas out on day one of my presidency.”

Biden concluded his comments by reminding voters where they can donate to raise bail money for the violent demonstrators.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Blue State Governors Extend Lockdown Against Law Abiders

Progressive governors from New York to California extended their states’ respective lockdown orders against all law-abiding citizens on Friday. The new extended orders apply to a wide-array of lawful businesses, from barber shops and restaurants as well as institutions such as churches. Individuals committing unlawful acts such as arson, looting and blinding police officers are exempt from the extension and may continue to operate provided masks and social distancing are more-or-less in evidence.

Several law-abiding organizations expressed dismay at the lockdown extension, arguing that it should be the law breakers who should be targeted for shutdown. “All I want to do is provide for my family by providing quality grooming for my clients,” said downtown Portland barber Sal Inhendt, who proceeded to ponder what laws are for if not to protect law-abiders from those practicing violence in order to destroy his livelihood. “It’s almost like our governor has it backwards” he added.

Some groups cheered the so-called blue state model, however, inviting all Americans to come see the violence within the system.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Push Someone Over The Edge Today

We’ve all heard of the proverbial individual who needs just one more thing to go wrong before he snaps; the person on a knife’s edge for whom something as simple as a spilled drink, a minor snub or a misinterpreted social cue is more than enough to cause her to “lose it.”

Many of us, myself included, have been that person. We’ve all had days where nothing seems to go right and you reach a boiling point.

But seldom do we think about those in the opposite boat: those around us who need only the slightest positive provocation – a smile from a stranger, for example – to make their day.

We all wear masks throughout the day, which is as it should be. I wouldn’t want to live in a world in which everyone is an open book from moment to moment. But sometimes I like to imagine that holding a door open for someone – even if doing so means giving them your place in line – might just place you in that person’s pantheon of individuals who pushed over the edge into faith in the goodness of others.

Did you enjoy this blog post? Then share it with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Trump Outlines Plan For Moving Election To Cruise Ships

President Trump introduced at a White House press conference on Monday a plan to move the 2020 general to cruise ships anchored off the coast of Florida. “Imagine,” said Trump “popping by any of the numerous water taxis operating on both coasts of Florida, enjoying a 15- to 20-minute skiff ride to a big, beautiful cruise ship, and then voting for the candidate of your choice in any of the densely-populated buffet areas on Lido deck.”

When asked how handicapped voters would access Lido deck on the ship’s 14th floor, Trump suggested that voters would enter the midship elevators, wait until maximum occupancy had been met, “and then press “Lido deck” with your index finger, just like everybody else.” When asked why no cruises would be docked off the West Coast, Trump replied “You’re fake news.”

The president concluded the press conference by adding that the ships’ voters would then retire to their cabins overnight while the cruise set sail for Mar-a-Lago.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Americans Reminded To Wash Hands, Wear Masks, Be Under 60

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Anthony Fauci reminded Americans at a press conference today to take commonsense precautions against coronavirus, including washing hands, wearing masks and being under 60 years of age.

“The evidence is clear,” said Fauci, “there is little fear from the coronavirus if one practices good hygiene, socially distances is assiduously in the prime of life.”

Fauci was accused of hypocrisy last week when he attended a Washington Nationals baseball game where he removed his mask, failed to socially distance himself and was 79 years of age. In response to the accusations Fauci waved his resume and post-graduate degree in the air and said “Deal with it.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already – and thank you! – Dave

Mogadishu Withdraws From Sister City Agreement With Portland

Mogadishu, Somalia – Mogadishu mayor Omar Muhamoud Finnish announced at a press conference today that his city will be ending its diplomatic ties with the city of Portland, citing the violence, anarchy and general lawlessness of America’s 25th largest city.

“Mogadishu is a world-class destination for tourists and business travelers, not a rudderless Wild West with a drug problem and a decent track team” said Mr. Finnish, adding “It is with regret that we must withdraw from our sister-city agreement until Portland gets its personal thing together and decides what it wants to do with its life.”

The mayor concluded his remarks by extending jobs to any Portland law enforcement laid off due to the defund the police movement.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Governor Sends In National Guard To Burn Down Portland Courthouse

After more than two months of unsuccessful attempts by Antifa radicals to burn down the Mark O. Hatfield Federal Courthouse in downtown Portland, Oregon governor Kate Brown announced her decision to deploy her state’s national guard to finish the job.

“The people of Oregon will not tolerate the chaos and incompetence thriving in the heart of our largest city any longer. If socialist-anarchists can’t burn the whole system down and replace it with a workers paradise akin to Venezuela, then it is my duty as Oregon governor to do so myself.” Governor Brown then added that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler applauded the governor’s announcement, stating that he would award the prestigious key to the city to the first Antifa radical to throw a Molotov cocktail into an occupied police vehicle.

At press time Portland’s Chief of Police Chuck Levell was asking the governor if he would be eligible for the highly-coveted key.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend! – Dave