How To Ruin Your Event

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Screen Shot 2013-02-18 at 11.21.34 AMThere’s lots of ways to ruin an event. Let’s talk about ruining the entertainment portion, especially if you have gone with comedy.

With any type of live entertainment there is a relationship between the audience and the performer. And nowhere is this more pronounced than with comedy entertainment which, when performed at the highest level, is much more like a dialogue than a monologue. The audience might be able to chat amongst themselves and still enjoy a rock band, but not so with, say stand-up: to be successful the craft requires an audience that is totally engaged.

A professional, experienced and talented comedian knows when an audience isn’t with her and will prattle, prod and engage an audience until she knows they are focused and only then will he get to the heart of her act and the business of making them laugh.

But how, you may ask, can I make a comedy entertainer’s job as difficult as possible?

Let’s say you’re a professional event planner or someone who is otherwise responsible for planning an event for your company. You’ve done your homework and found an comedian who is accomplished, a pleasure to work with and perfectly suits your needs. Now the question is, what can you do to thwart this his remarkable talents and years of experience and make everyone in attendance uncomfortable at the same time?

Here are a few simple things you can do to ensure that the delicate, essential bond between an audience and a comedian is tenuous at best or, better yet, never established in the first place.

Schedule The Entertainer Immediately After A Break

The room is pumped. The most-popular, hardest-working guy or gal in the company has just received his well-deserved award from the CEO and the energy in the room is at its peak. Whatever you do, don’t harness the audience’s energy by immediately introducing to the stage the entertainer you’ve budgeted a sizable sum to procure. Instead, have the CEO, emcee or whoever has the floor to announce a break “of about 15 minutes”. That should be enough time for the room to deflate, the energy vanish and allow the stragglers to head back into the room and settle into their seats while chatting with their fellow fellow employees about golf plans for the following weekend.

Seat The Audience At Round Banquet Tables

For the love of God, you’re not going to ensure that all the seats in the audience are facing the stage, are you? No, no, no. When an entertainer walks on stage you want roughly half the audience facing the back of the room. That way more people will be able to tell when the line for the open bar is down to only a few people. You might also consider leaving the doors in the back of the room open, allowing those seated with their backs to the stage to “people watch” the smokers, stragglers and maybe even catch a glimpse of that woman from the coat check with the ineffable aura about her. Ideally, you want these people who face the back of the room to be completely unaware of what is going on on the stage. Think muzak.

Serve Food During The Show

When a world-class comedy entertainer and a mediocre salad go head to head, the salad wins every time. Anything requiring utensils is best – after all, people are capable of enjoying a comedian with finger food like popcorn just as they are capable of enjoying a movie. Of course, it never hurts to have hard-working servers bustling from table to table pouring water, grinding pepper and sending that steak back to the kitchen until it’s done right.

Arrange For A Large, Empty Space Between The Stage And The Front Row

Nothing is more conducive to an attentive, engaged audience like seating them as close to the stage as possible. There’s an intimacy to this seating arrangement that mimics the openness and rapport of an private conversation. This is why you want a large empty space surrounding the stage. Many venues place a small stage against the wall of a large banquet hall and surround it with a large, empty dance floor: this is the ideal way to ensure your money and reputation go to waste. Nothing sends the the audience the signal “You have nothing to do with this performance” quite like seating everyone no less than a metric mile of the edge of the stage. This way audience members can chat with each other throughout the show while feeling – wrongly – that it has no impact on the overall performance.

The above are just a few basic, feng-shui examples of how to ruin the entertainment portion of your event. The truth is, there are almost as many ways to ruin it as there are second-rate entertainers to ruin it for you.

Do you know other ways to ensure that entertaining at your event is as uphill a battle as possible?

Governor Calls On Californians To Limit Ventilator Use During Peak Hours

Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.

Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

Mayor Awards Portland Resident Key To What’s Left Of City

Mayor Ted Wheeler today awarded lifelong Portland resident Bob Underwood the key to what’s left of the city. As a mob of Antifa and BLM activists set fire to local businesses to protest capitalism and system racism, Underwood paid homage to the city of his birth, describing the City of Roses as “a great place to grow up until about 1970.”

Mayor Wheeler concluded the event by apologizing to the mob for any inconvenience created by the ceremony.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Nashville Bomber’s Remains Shipped To Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Jacksonville, Mobile, Charlotte

Having completed the first phase of the investigation into the Christmas morning bombing in downtown Nashville, authorities have shipped the remains of the suspect to Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Charlotte, Wilmington, Tupelo and both Minneapolis and St. Paul.

After matching the DNA found at the scene to that of Anthony Quinn Warner, the Nashville coroner concluded that the suspect had died of coronavirus.

Services for Mr. Warner will be held Saturday at the Church of Scientology and Celebrity Centre of Nashville (open casket).

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Israel Vows To Follow The Scientists

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced on Tuesday that amidst a fury of international criticism over recent foreign policy decisions, Israel would continue to follow the scientists, especially of the Iranian variety.

In the aftermath of the assassination of Iranian scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, Netanyahu promised that Israel would continue to act as a “100% effective vaccine against a nuclear Tehran.”

Netanyahu also advised that if former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is looking for his index finger that went missing last night, he might want to check on the floor behind his bookshelf.

Amidst what he described as “an epidemic of religious totalitarianism,” Netanyahu reminded Israeli citizens to continue practicing good hygiene and wearing masks before cutting away to a livestream of a highly aroused Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, perusing various porn sites.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

McConnell Confirms Twelve More Judges During ACB Swearing-In Ceremony

A triumphant Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell emerges after a three-day bender reshaping the federal judiciary.

As the rest of America watched Amy Coney Barrett sworn-in to the nation’s highest court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was wrapping up cocaine-fueled confirmation of three more federal judges.

At the conclusion the week-long confirmation bender, a bleary-eyed McConnell emerged pantless from the Senate chamber, gave reporters a thumbs-up and then collapsed into the back of a black SUV before catching the next flight to Louisville. A McConnell spokesman said that the senator had no intentions of resting for very long as he intends before the election to confirm a textualist to the 11th Circuit, three originalists to the appellate courts and three strict constitutionalists to the D.C. Circuit.

McConnell also stated his intention to confirm two conservative judges at one time, which he referred to as “a judicial menage a trois.”

Harry Reid was unavailable for comment.

Miss Swimsuit USA To Drop Swimsuit Segment

Miss Swimsuit USA, widely considered the country’s premier beach-body competition, is eliminating its swimsuit segment and will therefore cease to exist altogether. “Miss Swimsuit USA is a long-cherished American tradition which we intend to bring into the modern era by cancelling it forever” according to CEO Dawn Easterbrook.

The competition, which highlighted feminine beauty, grace and confidence for nearly 100 years, will be replaced by an Antifa-sponsored poetry slam about the perils of being a pregnant man in Trump’s America.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Romney To Consult Conscience Before Rejecting Trump SCOTUS Nominee

Senator Mitt Romney (R., Utah) announced today that he is not opposed in principle to moving forward with voting for a replacement for the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, stating that “If it comes to a vote, I’ll consult my conscience and my Creator and before voting a firm ‘nay’.”

Romney was lauded by political operatives on both sides of the aisle in Washington establishment for seeking to “turn down the country’s political temperature,” in the words of David French. “Both parties need to compromise,” said 99-year old former Secretary of State George P. Shultz, adding that “cynically putting it to a vote before handing over a huge political victory to the Democrats is what has historically made America great.”

At press time The Bulwark was calling for Romney to face a primary opponent for enabling Trump in exercising his constitutional duty.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave