Edgy Comic Refers To Audience As “Ladies and Gentlemen”

David Deeble, a standup comedian referred to by his critics as an “insult comic,” brazenly opened up his set at Sarah Lawrence College by addressing the audience as “Ladies and gentlemen.” “Discomfort in the room was immediate and palpable” said booker Gwynyd Simms (she/her, Bachelor of Arts in English.) “In hindsight, the absence of pronouns on his résumé was the first red flag,” she added. (Simms would later embark on a month-long listening tour after being reminded that the term “red flag” is deemed offensive to indigenous peoples.)

According to witnesses, tension in the room only increased after Deeble claimed to have gotten married “old school – to a woman.” Undeterred, Deeble went on to say that he had “three children – one of each,” according an audience member who wished not to be identified as their identity is currently in transition. The edgy comic then went on to tell a story of the year he spent in San Francisco where he was not only president of the Bay Area Republicans Club but that he was also “the member.” (A spokeswoman for Sara Lawrence stated that an investigation by the college concluded that no such organization exists.)

Event organizers ultimately turned off Deeble’s microphone after launching into into a bit about being vaccinated but un-boosted. According to a statement on Deeble’s website he will now focus his career on church shows where at least taboo topics and language remain the same from day to day.


Miss Swimsuit USA To Drop Swimsuit Segment

Miss Swimsuit USA, widely considered the country’s premier beach-body competition, is eliminating its swimsuit segment and will therefore cease to exist altogether. “Miss Swimsuit USA is a long-cherished American tradition which we intend to bring into the modern era by cancelling it forever” according to CEO Dawn Easterbrook.

The competition, which highlighted feminine beauty, grace, and confidence for nearly 100 years, will be replaced by an Antifa-sponsored poetry slam about the perils of being a pregnant man in Trump’s America.

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