Biden Warns Mob: You’re Crushing My Nuts In Wisconsin

Posted on by
Reply

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden issued a stern warning to those engaging looting, arson, destruction of property and unlawful violence in cities across America: “You’re crushing my nuts in Wisconsin.”

Biden went further than his previous, more generic condemnation of the violence in calling out key parts of his own constituency by name, namely, Antifa and Black Lives Matter activists. “Listen son,” said the former Vice President, “the mayhem and unrest you’re causing from Portland to Kenosha is criminal, un-American, immoral and absolutely killing me in the battleground states.”

Biden assured the violent faction of his coalition that if elected he would revert to the status quo ante and “you kids can again get your ya-yas out on day one of my presidency.”

Biden concluded his comments by reminding voters where they can donate to raise bail money for the violent demonstrators.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Blue State Governors Extend Lockdown Against Law Abiders

Posted on by
Reply

Progressive governors from New York to California extended their states’ respective lockdown orders against all law-abiding citizens on Friday. The new extended orders apply to a wide-array of lawful businesses, from barber shops and restaurants as well as institutions such as churches. Individuals committing unlawful acts such as arson, looting and blinding police officers are exempt from the extension and may continue to operate provided masks and social distancing are more-or-less in evidence.

Several law-abiding organizations expressed dismay at the lockdown extension, arguing that it should be the law breakers who should be targeted for shutdown. “All I want to do is provide for my family by providing quality grooming for my clients,” said downtown Portland barber Sal Inhendt, who proceeded to ponder what laws are for if not to protect law-abiders from those practicing violence in order to destroy his livelihood. “It’s almost like our governor has it backwards” he added.

Some groups cheered the so-called blue state model, however, inviting all Americans to come see the violence within the system.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Push Someone Over The Edge Today

Posted on by
1

We’ve all heard of the proverbial individual who needs just one more thing to go wrong before he snaps; the person on a knife’s edge for whom something as simple as a spilled drink, a minor snub or a misinterpreted social cue is more than enough to cause her to “lose it.”

Many of us, myself included, have been that person. We’ve all had days where nothing seems to go right and you reach a boiling point.

But seldom do we think about those in the opposite boat: those around us who need only the slightest positive provocation – a smile from a stranger, for example – to make their day.

We all wear masks throughout the day, which is as it should be. I wouldn’t want to live in a world in which everyone is an open book from moment to moment. But sometimes I like to imagine that holding a door open for someone – even if doing so means giving them your place in line – might just place you in that person’s pantheon of individuals who pushed over the edge into faith in the goodness of others.

Did you enjoy this blog post? Then share it with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Trump Outlines Plan For Moving Election To Cruise Ships

Posted on by
Reply

President Trump introduced at a White House press conference on Monday a plan to move the 2020 general to cruise ships anchored off the coast of Florida. “Imagine,” said Trump “popping by any of the numerous water taxis operating on both coasts of Florida, enjoying a 15- to 20-minute skiff ride to a big, beautiful cruise ship, and then voting for the candidate of your choice in any of the densely-populated buffet areas on Lido deck.”

When asked how handicapped voters would access Lido deck on the ship’s 14th floor, Trump suggested that voters would enter the midship elevators, wait until maximum occupancy had been met, “and then press “Lido deck” with your index finger, just like everybody else.” When asked why no cruises would be docked off the West Coast, Trump replied “You’re fake news.”

The president concluded the press conference by adding that the ships’ voters would then retire to their cabins overnight while the cruise set sail for Mar-a-Lago.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Americans Reminded To Wash Hands, Wear Masks, Be Under 60

Posted on by
Reply

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Anthony Fauci reminded Americans at a press conference today to take commonsense precautions against coronavirus, including washing hands, wearing masks and being under 60 years of age.

“The evidence is clear,” said Fauci, “there is little fear from the coronavirus if one practices good hygiene, socially distances is assiduously in the prime of life.”

Fauci was accused of hypocrisy last week when he attended a Washington Nationals baseball game where he removed his mask, failed to socially distance himself and was 79 years of age. In response to the accusations Fauci waved his resume and post-graduate degree in the air and said “Deal with it.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already – and thank you! – Dave

Mogadishu Withdraws From Sister City Agreement With Minneapolis

Posted on by
6

Mogadishu, Somalia – Mogadishu mayor Omar Muhamoud Finnish announced at a press conference today that his city will be ending its diplomatic ties with the city of Minneapolis, citing the violence, anarchy and general lawlessness of America’s 46th largest city.

“Mogadishu is a world-wide destination for both tourists and business travelers, not a Woke Mecca of Bay-Area wannabes with a reasonably good ball team” said Mr. Finnish, adding “It is with regret that we must withdraw from our sister-city agreement until Minneapolis gets its personal thing together and decides what it wants to do with its life.”

The mayor concluded his remarks by extending jobs to any Minneapolis law enforcement laid off due to the defund the police movement.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Governor Sends In National Guard To Burn Down Portland Courthouse

Posted on by
2

After more than two months of unsuccessful attempts by Antifa radicals to burn down the Mark O. Hatfield Federal Courthouse in downtown Portland, Oregon governor Kate Brown announced her decision to deploy her state’s national guard to finish the job.

“The people of Oregon will not tolerate the chaos and incompetence thriving in the heart of our largest city any longer. If socialist-anarchists can’t burn the whole system down and replace it with a workers paradise akin to Venezuela, then it is my duty as Oregon governor to do so myself.” Governor Brown then added that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler applauded the governor’s announcement, stating that he would award the prestigious key to the city to the first Antifa radical to throw a Molotov cocktail into an occupied police vehicle.

At press time Portland’s Chief of Police Chuck Levell was asking the governor if he would be eligible for the highly-coveted key.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend! – Dave

Company Stock Soars After CEO Tells Mob To Fuck Off

Posted on by
1

Stocks for the pharmaceutical giant Xancorp, Inc. (+8.4%) soared on Monday after CEO Hal Maffis told activists to “Fuck off” in response to repeated calls for his firm to make an official statement in support of Antifa and Black Lives Matter.

Over the weekend Maffis bypassed his firm’s staid Twitter feed to establish his own account on the social media platform, tweeting “Our company is committed to its mission of researching and developing life-saving pharmaceuticals. Any entity demanding that do anything else can suck it.” The tweet was pinned to the top of Maffis’ Twitter feed, which features an avatar of the smiling CEO extending his middle finger.

When Pulitzer-prize winning founder of the 1619 Project Nikole Hannah-Jones replied to Maffis’s tweet that “Xancorp’s silence is violence,” the CEO replied “Fuck you, nobody owns our silence,” followed by twenty-seven piles-of-shit icons.

Later, Maffis replied to a tweet by a Portland area Antifa member which called the CEO a fascist for failing to make a full-throated condemnation of capitalism by tweeting “Xancorp is committed to making huge profits by saving lives and by reinvesting those huge profits to save even more lives. If you don’t like it you can eat a bag of dicks, my friend.”

At press time Xancorp’s stock was up 184%.

Enjoy this satire? Share it with a friend! – Dave