Munchkin Coroner: Wicked Witch Died Of Covid

Munchkinland – According to Munchkinland coroner Dweebnic McPhallanx III, the hated Wicked Witch of the East died of complications related to COVID-19. At an impromptu press conference where the old bat’s corpse was prominently displayed, the 712-year old McPhallanx stated “As coroner, I must aver, having thoroughly examined her that she’s not only merely dead she’s really quite sincerely dead.”

As the county seat of the Land of Oz, Munchkinland officials reserved the right to ensure that the daft shrew from hell – who was frequently seen without a mask – was legally, morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.

The coroner’s announcement put to rest a widely-held conspiracy theory that the death of the vicious hag had to do with a frigging house landing on her dome.

Though Munchkindland was previously thought to be free of the virus, the coroner’s determination meant an automatic return to the lockdown policies imposed last March by the city’s absolutely adorable public health officials. Mayor Alperoo Vercingetorix IV added that in addition to a reimposition of mask requirements and social distancing mandates, Munchkin children would have to remain in their nests until further notice.

The old battle-ax’s funeral arrangements have not yet been made public, though the mayor assured the citizenry that “It’ll be a real rager.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Uber-Airbnb Merger Enables Users To Sleep In Stranger’s Car

The Federal Trade Commission has approved a merger between Airbnb and the ride-sharing app Uber, allowing users to sack out on the backseat of stranger’s Buick Lesabre.

According to Airbnb CEO Derrick LaSalle, the merger will represent to consumers the best of both worlds: a moderately clean backseat/bed to go along with the sleep-inducing whoosh of a car traveling an average of 35 miles an hour.

Uber executives denied reports of a third merger with Chuck E. Cheese.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Governor Calls On Californians To Limit Ventilator Use During Peak Hours

Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.

Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

Mayor Awards Portland Resident Key To What’s Left Of City

Mayor Ted Wheeler today awarded lifelong Portland resident Bob Underwood the key to what’s left of the city. As a mob of Antifa and BLM activists set fire to local businesses to protest capitalism and system racism, Underwood paid homage to the city of his birth, describing the City of Roses as “a great place to grow up until about 1970.”

Mayor Wheeler concluded the event by apologizing to the mob for any inconvenience created by the ceremony.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave