Fauci: “Nothing stops. Or am I being obtuse?”

The nation’s highest-paid federal employee issued a stern warning to all Americans on Monday, stating that the long-awaited vaccines against COVID-19 won’t alter the longterm necessity of masks, school closures, lockdowns, and social distancing measures. 

Responding to a question from a reporter about the possibility of relaxing restrictions once a majority of Americans have been vaccinated against the coronavirus, Dr. Fauci replied “Nothing stops. Nothing! Or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protections from the Bill of Rights. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the New York nursing home residents. Wearing a mask is too onerous? I’ll make you wear three – and throw in a charcoal filter just for giggles.”

When asked about the prospect of again singing in church, Dr. Fauci replied “Churches? Gone. Sealed off brick by brick. We’ll have us a little hymnal barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. Elites will dance around it like wild Injuns, er, I mean Native Americans. Do you understand me? Are you catching my drift? Or am I being obtuse?” Dr. Fauci then held up his Ph.D and said “Put your trust in The Word. Your ass belongs to me.”

The press conference concluded with Dr. Fauci instructing President Biden to “Give ’em another year to think about it.” 

Americans Forced To Work Job Just To Put Food On Table

Long Beach, California: A vast array of local, state and federal unemployment benefits is not enough to prevent some Americans from seeking remunerative work.

A husband and father to three children, Dan Allen has been receiving a vast array of city, state and federal unemployment benefits since being furloughed from his job when the COVID-19 crisis struck last March. Nevertheless, Mr. Allen and millions of Americans just like him are learning the hard way that government largesse just isn’t enough. Shortly after the initial lockdown last spring, Allen decided to swallow his pride and return to work.

“I’m not proud of it. But my wife and I sat down and crunched the numbers and there was no way around it: I was going to have to begin earning again” he said.

Policymakers in Washington are struggling to deal with a problem which has been perplexing public officials since the New Deal: how to keep people from relying on work to support themselves?

True, some Americans do better than others on social welfare programs. Some, particularly in America’s most progressive cities and states, even seem to thrive on them. Others, however, have difficulty escaping an endless cycle of dependency on hard work, saving and investment. And it is these Americans whom policymakers are most concerned about.

“Our studies suggest that there’s a cultural component,” said Theodore M. Stanley, a research fellow at the Center For The Emerging Majority, a progressive think tank. “It’s breaking that cycle of work-paycheck-work-paycheck which gets passed down through generations which presents the greatest challenge to policymakers.” Mr. Stanley advocates, among other things, a gradual reduction in the retirement age.

While total dependency on government may be the ideal, some planners look to compromises made in countries such a Greece, where those who insist on working are given largely harmless positions in government.

Cuomo Receives Special Emmy For Nursing Home Cover Up

Having become the first politician receive the Emmy’s coveted Founders Award for his 111 press briefing in 2020, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will receive a second Emmy for his role as a tough-as-nails Democrat of immense probity who in reality was covering up the fatal consequences of his decision to send Covid-positive patients to recover in upstate nursing homes.

On March 2, 2020, Cuomo conducted a media briefing from Manhattan to delude New Yorkers and the public at large about the coronavirus outbreak that was just starting to be recognized as a massive public health threat. The 110 briefings that followed would be aired on CNN, MSNBC and other fake news outlets.

Cuomo’s lies, angry deflections and refusal to take any responsibility for policy mistakes have reinforced his image as the kind of governor New Yorkers deserve. Cuomo is especially popular in the state’s urban areas: on Thursday approximately 10,000 people gathered in Central Park chanting “Thank you sir may I have another” while supporters in Buffalo marched downtown carrying banners which read “Cuomo-Spitzer 2024.”

At press time the Pulitzer Prize Board was hastily creating a special award for Cuomo’s book American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the Covid-19 Pandemic.

Americans Reminded To Wash Hands, Wear Masks, Be Under 60

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Anthony Fauci reminded Americans at a press conference today to take commonsense precautions against coronavirus, including washing hands, wearing masks and being under 60 years of age.

“The evidence is clear,” said Fauci, “there is little fear from the coronavirus if one practices good hygiene, socially distances is assiduously in the prime of life.”

Fauci was accused of hypocrisy last week when he attended a Washington Nationals baseball game where he removed his mask, failed to socially distance himself and was 79 years of age. In response to the accusations Fauci waved his resume and post-graduate degree in the air and said “Deal with it.”

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Newsom To Open California Beaches One Grain Of Sand At A Time

In response to his state’s increasing calls for a path back to normalcy, Governor Gavin Newsom (D) announced plans to allow California’s beaches to re-open one grain of sand at a time. “The process must begin now, as opening up our world-class beaches will be a long one. In fact, an eternity” said Newsom, who then smiled wryly in the way only petty tyrants can.

The announcement reflects a policy shift for Newsom, who just days ago had called for “Lockdown today, lockdown tomorrow, lockdown forever!”

Polls suggests that Californians have widely-panned the move as a cynical ploy to burnish Newsom’s presidential ambitions in anticipation of the the 2024 election. As a politically powerful white male, the California governor is uniquely situated to pat a minority lesbian on the head for the bottom of the Democratic ticket.

Imperial College Researchers Model Likely Impact Of Weekend Booty Calls

Imperial College researchers released a study on Monday weighing the likely impact on the spread of COVID-19 of having your married, mother-of-two mistress pop by from the other side of London for a quick shag.

Disgraced former Imperial College lead researcher Niall Ferguson said that the results were inconclusive and that further study was required.

Trump Orders My Pillow® Guy To Manufacture McNuggets

Citing concern over the U.S. food supply chain and his own penchant for McDonalds, President Trump on Friday invoked the National Defense Act ordering My Pillow® founder and CEO Mike Lindell to place his factories on McNugget footing by the end of May.

Lindell, whose pillow facilities had only just completed the arduous task of transitioning to manufacturing masks, expressed confidence that his company can begin cranking out McDonalds-quality McNuggets by the president’s May 31 deadline. Lindell added that he expects by mid-June his 1,500 employees will also be able to produce Tangy BBQ, Sweet ‘n Sour, Hot Mustard, Honey Mustard and Trump-favorite Habanero Ranch dipping sauces.

When asked about concerns that his Executive Order might create a scarcity of soft sleeping surfaces stuffed with interlocking fill which adjusts to Americans’ widely-varying sleep positions, President Trump issued another Executive Order requiring that KFC begin manufacturing My Pillows®.

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Police Break Up Large Gathering Outside Unemployment Office

Fairbanks, Alaska – Police officers broke up a large gathering of people outside an unemployment office on Monday. The assembled individuals, rendered jobless since the state instituted its social distancing policy, had formed an orderly line outside the office’s front door during the early morning hours in order to avoid a big crowd of people.

Fairbanks, just 4,300 miles from the heart of the U.S. outbreak in New York City, is located in central Alaska, a state which has banned gatherings of more than ten people per square mile. Joe Kleinsmith, who was laid off during government-mandated recession, was one of those detained by police. “I was surprised how safe I felt in jail,” said the newly-minted former construction worker, referring to the furloughing of violent criminals in order to make room for those exercising their right to earn a living wage.

Since the first-reported U.S. coronavirus case in early March, Alaska has reported more fatalities from from slipping on ice (10) than the novel coronavirus (9). As a result, state health officials have banned ice through August 15.

Cuomo: Enough With The Ventilators Already

Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY): “I beg you: stop sending us ventilators.”

At today’s press briefing New York governor Andrew Cuomo issued a rousing call to his fellow Americans to stop sending his state ventilators: “Seriously, it’s getting out of hand. Let me be clear: stop sending New York ventilators already.”

The governor, who spoke flanked by his lieutenant governor, three state health officials and more than two-thousand just-arrived ventilators from Texas, at times showed flashes of anger at the rest of the country. “To reiterate,” he said, “the Empire State is up to its eyeballs in ventilators.”

At the conclusion of the briefing the governor became briefly lost attempting to negotiate his way to the exit through the maze of ventilators before turning around and shouting at his staffers “The other way! The other way!”

At press time, more than a dozen Airbus A380s were approaching the runway at Albany International Airport, each containing more than one-thousand ventilators from Washington state.