Fauci: “Nothing stops. Or am I being obtuse?”

The nation’s highest-paid federal employee issued a stern warning to all Americans on Monday, stating that the long-awaited vaccines against COVID-19 won’t alter the longterm necessity of masks, school closures, lockdowns, and social distancing measures. 

Responding to a question from a reporter about the possibility of relaxing restrictions once a majority of Americans have been vaccinated against the coronavirus, Dr. Fauci replied “Nothing stops. Nothing! Or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protections from the Bill of Rights. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the New York nursing home residents. Wearing a mask is too onerous? I’ll make you wear three – and throw in a charcoal filter just for giggles.”

When asked about the prospect of again singing in church, Dr. Fauci replied “Churches? Gone. Sealed off brick by brick. We’ll have us a little hymnal barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. Elites will dance around it like wild Injuns, er, I mean Native Americans. Do you understand me? Are you catching my drift? Or am I being obtuse?” Dr. Fauci then held up his Ph.D and said “Put your trust in The Word. Your ass belongs to me.”

The press conference concluded with Dr. Fauci instructing President Biden to “Give ’em another year to think about it.” 

Massive Thunderstorm Leaves North Korea With Electricity, Running Water

A large thunderstorm stalled over the Korean Peninsula on Friday leaving North Koreans with more than a day’s supply of electricity and running water. Citzens across the country seized the opportunity to turn on their space heaters, take showers and read government propaganda from light emanating from naked overhead bulbs. Elites in the tonier sections of Pyongyang even took the opportunity to charge their iPhones.

At press time the storm had passed and North Koreans were again drying their laundry using wind and solar.

Zoom Panel Featuring Clinton, Toobin, Weiner Goes About As Well Expected

A highly-touted online panel purportedly addressing climate change featuring Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin and Anthony Weiner went about as well as could be expected on Tuesday as all three men ended up in varying degrees of undress.

Approximately 20 minutes into the conference Mr. Weiner seemed to lose interest when Mr. Clinton was discussing the merits of a carbon tax. Shortly thereafter the former representative for New York’s 9th district proceeded to remove his shirt in order to send selfie to an individual he referred to as “AngelSlut22@yahoo.”

During the question-and-answer portion of the panel a viewer submitted a question to Mr. Toobin regarding the legal complexities of cap-and-trade. Mr. Toobin, however, apparently unaware that his camera was on and functioning, was taking the opportunity the opportunity to engage in an act of such disgusting sexual depravity that even The New Yorker felt compelled to fire him.

Toward the end of the conference Mr. Clinton was in the act of removing his tie when he was asked a question about green energy subsidies. The former president ignored the question, however, and instead called on Mr. Weiner to “send me her pic” – an apparent reference to Ms. AngelSlut. Mr. Weiner ignored the request, however, stating simply that he’d like to be addressed as “Carlos Danger.”

Many of the more than 5,000 individuals who paid $100 to gain entry to the online conference later complained about the poor sound quality of the three panelists’ microphones. In response, Messrs. Clinton, Toobin and Weiner agreed that moving forward they would login from an indoor location.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Americans Forced To Work Job Just To Put Food On Table

Long Beach, California: A vast array of local, state and federal unemployment benefits is not enough to prevent some Americans from seeking remunerative work.

A husband and father to three children, Dan Allen has been receiving a vast array of city, state and federal unemployment benefits since being furloughed from his job when the COVID-19 crisis struck last March. Nevertheless, Mr. Allen and millions of Americans just like him are learning the hard way that government largesse just isn’t enough. Shortly after the initial lockdown last spring, Allen decided to swallow his pride and return to work.

“I’m not proud of it. But my wife and I sat down and crunched the numbers and there was no way around it: I was going to have to begin earning again” he said.

Policymakers in Washington are struggling to deal with a problem which has been perplexing public officials since the New Deal: how to keep people from relying on work to support themselves?

True, some Americans do better than others on social welfare programs. Some, particularly in America’s most progressive cities and states, even seem to thrive on them. Others, however, have difficulty escaping an endless cycle of dependency on hard work, saving and investment. And it is these Americans whom policymakers are most concerned about.

“Our studies suggest that there’s a cultural component,” said Theodore M. Stanley, a research fellow at the Center For The Emerging Majority, a progressive think tank. “It’s breaking that cycle of work-paycheck-work-paycheck which gets passed down through generations which presents the greatest challenge to policymakers.” Mr. Stanley advocates, among other things, a gradual reduction in the retirement age.

While total dependency on government may be the ideal, some planners look to compromises made in countries such a Greece, where those who insist on working are given largely harmless positions in government.

Cuomo Receives Special Emmy For Nursing Home Cover Up

Having become the first politician receive the Emmy’s coveted Founders Award for his 111 press briefing in 2020, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will receive a second Emmy for his role as a tough-as-nails Democrat of immense probity who in reality was covering up the fatal consequences of his decision to send Covid-positive patients to recover in upstate nursing homes.

On March 2, 2020, Cuomo conducted a media briefing from Manhattan to delude New Yorkers and the public at large about the coronavirus outbreak that was just starting to be recognized as a massive public health threat. The 110 briefings that followed would be aired on CNN, MSNBC and other fake news outlets.

Cuomo’s lies, angry deflections and refusal to take any responsibility for policy mistakes have reinforced his image as the kind of governor New Yorkers deserve. Cuomo is especially popular in the state’s urban areas: on Thursday approximately 10,000 people gathered in Central Park chanting “Thank you sir may I have another” while supporters in Buffalo marched downtown carrying banners which read “Cuomo-Spitzer 2024.”

At press time the Pulitzer Prize Board was hastily creating a special award for Cuomo’s book American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the Covid-19 Pandemic.