Zoom Panel Featuring Clinton, Toobin, Weiner Goes About As Well Expected

A highly-touted online panel purportedly addressing climate change featuring Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin and Anthony Weiner went about as well as could be expected on Tuesday as all three men ended up in varying degrees of undress.

Approximately 20 minutes into the conference Mr. Weiner seemed to lose interest when Mr. Clinton was discussing the merits of a carbon tax. Shortly thereafter the former representative for New York’s 9th district proceeded to remove his shirt in order to send selfie to an individual he referred to as “AngelSlut22@yahoo.”

During the question-and-answer portion of the panel a viewer submitted a question to Mr. Toobin regarding the legal complexities of cap-and-trade. Mr. Toobin, however, apparently unaware that his camera was on and functioning, was taking the opportunity the opportunity to engage in an act of such disgusting sexual depravity that even The New Yorker felt compelled to fire him.

Toward the end of the conference Mr. Clinton was in the act of removing his tie when he was asked a question about green energy subsidies. The former president ignored the question, however, and instead called on Mr. Weiner to “send me her pic” – an apparent reference to Ms. AngelSlut. Mr. Weiner ignored the request, however, stating simply that he’d like to be addressed as “Carlos Danger.”

Many of the more than 5,000 individuals who paid $100 to gain entry to the online conference later complained about the poor sound quality of the three panelists’ microphones. In response, Messrs. Clinton, Toobin and Weiner agreed that moving forward they would login from an indoor location.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Uber-Airbnb Merger Enables Users To Sleep In Stranger’s Car

The Federal Trade Commission has approved a merger between Airbnb and the ride-sharing app Uber, allowing users to sack out on the backseat of stranger’s Buick Lesabre.

According to Airbnb CEO Derrick LaSalle, the merger will represent to consumers the best of both worlds: a moderately clean backseat/bed to go along with the sleep-inducing whoosh of a car traveling an average of 35 miles an hour.

Uber executives denied reports of a third merger with Chuck E. Cheese.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

The Mills Of The Gods Grind Slowly, If Ever So Fine

Lebron

Imagine for a moment that you are the best in the world at what you do. So good, in fact, that employers don’t choose you, you choose them. After several years with a particular company (in which you brought it unprecedented success), you decide to leave the company in order to test opportunities elsewhere.

Then something unexpected happens: your boss publishes on the company website an angry, highly-personal letter condemning your decision, the manner in which you made it, and you personally. (You are called, among other things, a “former hero”).

Six years pass. Your former boss becomes aware that you are again seeking to bring your unparalleled expertise elsewhere and, despite the anger expressed in the letter (which inscrutably remains on the company website), passions have since cooled and – perhaps more importantly –  your former boss is keen on retaining your services once again.

Then another ten days pass before the letter is finally taken down from the company’s website.

What would you think of your former boss? Would you be inclined to return to your former employer? Even after the letter is taken down? Despite the blatantly cynical (if incredibly tardy) reason it was taken down?

More to the point: does your boss think you’re some kind of primitive to fail to see through your ploy?

Welcome to the world of Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert and his former-employee, LeBron James.

On June 25 of this year, LeBron James declared free agency (from the Miami Heat). On July 7 – six years after publishing the letter and ten days after LeBron again declared free-agency, Gilbert began to see the importance of taking down the angry, resentful, highly-personal letter. 

If you were in LeBron’s powerful position, would you inclined to return to your former employer? Do Dan Gilbert’s actions exhibit the qualities one seeks in a franchise owner such as prudence, maturity and foresight? (Note that Gilbert has made no apology for the letter).

It just goes to show you that being highly successful doesn’t mean you know a damn thing about the internet, social media or public relations, let alone screen-capture technology. More importantly, being successful doesn’t mean you understand that what goes around comes around.

It’s said that the mills of the gods grind slowly, but ever so fine. It’s a lesson Dan Gilbert will soon learn when LeBron chooses his next employer.

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