My Statements About Trans Fats Were Wrong And Hurtful

Recently I wrote a (since deleted) blogpost about my experience on the “keto” diet. In it, I wrote that a diet rich in fats was both healthful and useful for weight loss. However, I also made a distinction between “healthy fats such as those found in nuts and fish” and so-called “trans fats, which raise cholesterol and increase the risk of heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes.”

These words were not merely clinically inaccurate but hurtful acts of violence. It pains me terribly to think of the danger in which I put the readers of my reckless words. That I am an older man who grew up in a much fitter and more active era than today’s slackers and 24/7 social-media users is no excuse. I now know that my words constituted an act of violence against tater tots, nondairy creamer, women, pre-prepared cake frosting, microwave popcorn, people of color, vegetable shortening, fried fast food, the undocumented, frozen pizza, stick margarin, Muslims, pie crusts, fried chicken, the differently abled, cookie dough, onion rings, and the gays.

My thoughtless words were not only wrong from a scientific perspective but from a moral one. Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell, the director of the Food and Drug Administration, the leadership at the National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance and more than two-hundred thousand (and counting) Twitter users have helped me to understand what should have been obvious to me at the time: trans fats are fats, full-stop.

I am also learning that apologizing and promising to do better, while necessary, is not sufficient. That is why I am going on an “listening tour” of the United States. No, I won’t be performing my standup comedy or dispensing hateful nutritional facts. In fact, I won’t be speaking at all, but listening to those whose lives will never be the same after reading my irresponsible words.

Some in Hollywood have privately suggested that I ignore what they call the “clinically-insane mob” for the approximately 72 hours it takes for them to get bored and move onto new and easier targets, like Seth Rogen. I reject this. Instead, I will be taking time to stay quiet, away from social media, and refraining from all press interviews. If and when I return to public life it will only be after I have listened, learned and atoned.

Some will say that I don’t deserve the opportunity at redemption, let alone resumption of my weekly gig emceeing New Material Mondays at the Chuckle Hut in Garden Grove.

To such people I can only say “I feel your pain.”

Sometimes A Strip Poker Invite Is Just A Strip Poker Invite

Even Freud recognized that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

As embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) fights off allegations ranging from the unserious (covering up the number of Covid deaths in state nursing homes) to the very serious (complimenting a woman’s haircut), it’s time our culture readdressed power dynamics, sexual harassment, and the #MeToo movement. 

According to an AP report, a former member of the governor’s administration said that Cuomo suggested that they should play strip poker. Many readers, including myself, are asking the question has that ever worked?

Our era is one in which everything is fraught with a hidden meaning, usually of a sexual nature. Long gone are the days when a man can innocently invite an unpaid female intern who’s young enough to be his daughter to play strip poker without it being interpreted as something inappropriate. Men have been reminded repeatedly that No means no. This is as it should be. But shouldn’t it be equally clear that “Would you like to play a form of poker with me in which the player with the losing hand forfeits an item of clothing until we’re both naked?” means exactly that and nothing else? Why does everything have to be seen through a sexual lens? 

Frankly I don’t even see the connection. What – is the idea that proposing to a subordinate that repairing to a cozy place where we can enjoy little privacy and play some cards in the nude somehow has sexual overtones? I honestly don’t get it. 

Now don’t get me wrong: one should never make such a proposal. Not because of any alleged sexual connotation but because it’s a cliché. What could be more hackneyed than me, a 50-year old man living on a juggler’s salary trying to earn a little a few bucks off the new hire with an all-night round of strip poker? 

If the people of New York believe Cuomo should resign, then he should do so. I have nothing personal against him. In fact, some of my best friends have made utterly counterintuitive decisions which cost the lives of thousands of people and then attempted to cover it up. 

This just in: Cuomo has received a special Granny Award™ for his handling of the Covid crisis.

Fauci: “Nothing stops. Or am I being obtuse?”

The nation’s highest-paid federal employee issued a stern warning to all Americans on Monday, stating that the long-awaited vaccines against COVID-19 won’t alter the longterm necessity of masks, school closures, lockdowns, and social distancing measures. 

Responding to a question from a reporter about the possibility of relaxing restrictions once a majority of Americans have been vaccinated against the coronavirus, Dr. Fauci replied “Nothing stops. Nothing! Or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protections from the Bill of Rights. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the New York nursing home residents. Wearing a mask is too onerous? I’ll make you wear three – and throw in a charcoal filter just for giggles.”

When asked about the prospect of again singing in church, Dr. Fauci replied “Churches? Gone. Sealed off brick by brick. We’ll have us a little hymnal barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. Elites will dance around it like wild Injuns, er, I mean Native Americans. Do you understand me? Are you catching my drift? Or am I being obtuse?” Dr. Fauci then held up his Ph.D and said “Put your trust in The Word. Your ass belongs to me.”

The press conference concluded with Dr. Fauci instructing President Biden to “Give ’em another year to think about it.” 

Massive Thunderstorm Leaves North Korea With Electricity, Running Water

A large thunderstorm stalled over the Korean Peninsula on Friday leaving North Koreans with more than a day’s supply of electricity and running water. Citzens across the country seized the opportunity to turn on their space heaters, take showers and read government propaganda from light emanating from naked overhead bulbs. Elites in the tonier sections of Pyongyang even took the opportunity to charge their iPhones.

At press time the storm had passed and North Koreans were again drying their laundry using wind and solar.

Zoom Panel Featuring Clinton, Toobin, Weiner Goes About As Well Expected

A highly-touted online panel purportedly addressing climate change featuring Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin and Anthony Weiner went about as well as could be expected on Tuesday as all three men ended up in varying degrees of undress.

Approximately 20 minutes into the conference Mr. Weiner seemed to lose interest when Mr. Clinton was discussing the merits of a carbon tax. Shortly thereafter the former representative for New York’s 9th district proceeded to remove his shirt in order to send selfie to an individual he referred to as “AngelSlut22@yahoo.”

During the question-and-answer portion of the panel a viewer submitted a question to Mr. Toobin regarding the legal complexities of cap-and-trade. Mr. Toobin, however, apparently unaware that his camera was on and functioning, was taking the opportunity the opportunity to engage in an act of such disgusting sexual depravity that even The New Yorker felt compelled to fire him.

Toward the end of the conference Mr. Clinton was in the act of removing his tie when he was asked a question about green energy subsidies. The former president ignored the question, however, and instead called on Mr. Weiner to “send me her pic” – an apparent reference to Ms. AngelSlut. Mr. Weiner ignored the request, however, stating simply that he’d like to be addressed as “Carlos Danger.”

Many of the more than 5,000 individuals who paid $100 to gain entry to the online conference later complained about the poor sound quality of the three panelists’ microphones. In response, Messrs. Clinton, Toobin and Weiner agreed that moving forward they would login from an indoor location.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave