Edgy Comic Refers To Audience As “Ladies and Gentlemen”

David Deeble, a standup comedian referred to by his critics as an “insult comic,” brazenly opened up his set at Sarah Lawrence College by addressing the audience as “Ladies and gentlemen.” “Discomfort in the room was immediate and palpable” said booker Gwynyd Simms (she/her, Bachelor of Arts in English.) “In hindsight, the absence of pronouns on his résumé was the first red flag,” she added. (Simms would later embark on a month-long listening tour after being reminded that the term “red flag” is deemed offensive to indigenous peoples.)

According to witnesses, tension in the room only increased after Deeble claimed to have gotten married “old school – to a woman.” Undeterred, Deeble went on to say that he had “three children – one of each,” according an audience member who wished not to be identified as their identity is currently in transition. The edgy comic then went on to tell a story of the year he spent in San Francisco where he was not only president of the Bay Area Republicans Club but that he was also “the member.” (A spokeswoman for Sara Lawrence stated that an investigation by the college concluded that no such organization exists.)

Event organizers ultimately turned off Deeble’s microphone after launching into into a bit about being vaccinated but un-boosted. According to a statement on Deeble’s website he will now focus his career on church shows where at least taboo topics and language remain the same from day to day.


Biden: Search For Classified Documents May Turn Up More Homes

President Biden conceded on Friday that the search for mishandled classified documents may turn up additional homes. After searches of his homes in both Wilmington and Rehoboth Beach, Delaware as well as his offices at the Penn Biden Center in Washington, Biden stated that he “can’t rule out the possibility” that more homes will be found.

When pressed by Fox News reporter Peter Doocy, Biden appeared to enter a fugue-like state, saying “Let’s see, there’s the mansion in Greenville I bought from the DuPonts – no joke… we called it The Station. Anyway, sources and methods pertaining to the Taliban might just turn up there… then we flipped The Station and bought the place in Wilmington, which has been searched top to bottom by my fixers, er, I mean officials from Justice Department… ditto my bachelor pad in Rehoboth…”

The President then appeared to nod off again before acknowledging that classified documents may in fact turn up at the five-bedroom property they rented in McClean, Virginia, where former first lady Jackie Kennedy grew up.

After 15-minute nap at the podium Biden appeared to regain his energy, stating “Then there’s my corner booth at Johnny’s Half Shell where between the cushions you might just find a list of CIA black op sites… best crab cakes in the country, Johnny’s… beneath my table at the Old Ebbitt Grill might just turn up some info about the Sandanistas that’ll blow your frickin’ mind… Jesus but that waitress at Old Ebbitts, she’s probably my age now… I also bet you two bits that in one of the toilet stalls at The Monocle you’ll find transcripts of phone conversations between Jimmy Carter and the Shah.”

At the time of this writing Biden was being escorted from the podium by a staffer in an Easter Bunny costume.

Former Energy Official Lands Job As Baggage Handler

Sam Brinton, the disgraced Department of Energy official fired for serial theft of luggage and not for being non-binary, has found new employment at Washington, D.C.’s Dulles International Airport. “At Dulles, diversity is our strength” said the airport’s Operations Director Mike Stewart.

Upon hiring Brinton, airport management and the Service Employees International Union quickly renegotiated their collective bargaining agreement, creating a carve-out for Brinton against rules that prohibit high heels and long dresses from being worn in the workplace. (Dress regulations still apply to cis-gendered female employees.)

According to Brinton, whose pronouns are they/them, he is enjoying his exciting new career path. “The pace can be frantic for sure,” he said, adding that “Sometimes I can hardly steal a moment for myself.”

The engaged Brinton arrives at his new job just as Dulles is experiencing a marked surge in missing luggage, bringing greater pressure to the job. “Secretary of Transportation Buttigieg is doing a tremendous job on that front I can tell you” he said as he attempted to extricate the train of his wedding gown from the conveyer belt before it swallowed him alive and endangered those around him.

According to shift forewoman Stephanie Grouser, “Sam has his sights set on becoming an airline pilot, where he’d bring a lot of diversity.” In the U.S., female pilots currently outnumber non-binary ones by just over 29,000 to zero.

By David Deeble. See David’s YouTube channel here.

Mogadishu Withdraws From Sister City Agreement With Minneapolis

Mogadishu, Somalia – Mogadishu mayor Omar Muhamoud Finnish announced at a press conference today that his city will be ending its diplomatic ties with the city of Minneapolis, citing the violence, anarchy and general lawlessness of America’s 46th largest city.

“Mogadishu is a world-wide destination for both tourists and business travelers, not a Woke Mecca of Bay-Area wannabes with a reasonably good ball team” said Mr. Finnish, adding “It is with regret that we must withdraw from our sister-city agreement until Minneapolis gets its personal thing together and decides what it wants to do with its life.”

The mayor concluded his remarks by extending jobs to any Minneapolis law enforcement laid off due to the defund the police movement.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

NASA’s Juno Spacecraft Detects Hillary’s Cackle From Jupiter

All I asked for was a a federal minimum wage with a frickin' laser beam attached to its forehead.

“All I asked for was a college tuition plan with a frickin’ laser beam attached to its forehead.”

The investigation into Hillary Clinton’s email practices while Secretary of State has finally come to its foregone conclusion. Attorney General Loretta Lynch, as expected, has kept her promise to abide by the recommendation of Bill Clinton the FBI.

FBI Director James Comey, America’s only silk-tie-wearing cop, possesses the risible lack of self-awareness Americans have come to associate with “high-ranking government officials” (formerly public servants). Of his decision not to recommend prosecution he said “This is not to suggest that in similar circumstances a person who engaged in this activity would face no consequences. To the contrary, those individuals are often subject to security or administrative sanctions.”

Similar circumstances.

Clinton, for whom identity politics comes natural, has adeptly exploited Comey’s comments to burnish her credentials as the history-making candidate: the first President of the United States to be denied access to classified materials.

Reduced to plain English, of course, Comey’s message is that Clinton is protected from prosecution by a kind of establishment immunity. Put bluntly, she’s too-connected to indict. The subtext of Comey’s statement could hardly be clearer: while Clinton’s gross negligience does not constitute a criminal act, the prospect of Trump presidency does.

[tweetthis]When Obama calls Hillary the most-qualified person to run for President he’s referring to her smug sense of being above the law.[/tweetthis].

Clinton, whose incredulity rivals Dr. Evil’s upon learning that a million dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to, had already issued her go-to, I-regret-the-error-but-it’s-time-to-move-on statement, designed to reassure voters that the awesome power and privileges of the presidency would somehow humble her into greater respect for the law.

Legally in the clear, Ms. Clinton can now focus all her attention on the campaign trail, where she is attempting to energize her base by calling for a ban on gun sales to those who appear on no-call lists.

Return to daviDDeeble.com or watch me perform the Flaming Marshmallow Balance of Mystery on the Late Late Show.