The 20 Most-Overlooked Newspaper Headlines Of 2013


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Younger readers may not be aware that the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and other news sources have offline editions, typically printed on paper and sometimes even delivered to your doorstep. Many of the print-edition headlines of 2013 grabbed us by the lapels and demanded our attention. However, several important developments disappeared down the memory hole almost as soon as they became breaking news. Below are the large headlines of 2013 which should make conservatives cheer, weep or don a onesie and move back with their parents.

1: Congress Deems Man’s Liver Too Big To Fail (NYT)

2: Constitution Dubbed “Obstructionist” (San Jose Mercury News)

3: Paul Krugman Wins Academy Award For Economics (Boston Globe)

4: Budget Shortfalls Force States To Choose Between Boondoggles (NYT)

5: Car Insurance Companies Made To Cover Pre-Existing Damage (LAT)

6: Planned Economy Not Going As Planned

7: Term-Limits Platform Launches Candidate To Decades-Long Career In Congress (USA Today)

8: Captain America Found Broke, Living Off Children And Cheap Loans From China (WAPO)

9: Discarded Climate Model Halfway Decent At Predicting American League East (Chicago Sun-Times)

10: Physicists Awed By Complexity Of U.S. Tax Code

11: Pentagon: Second Half Of Afghan War To Be “Even Better” Than First

12: Would-Be Mugging Victim Pleads The Second (Investors Business Daily)

13: American Dream Now Selling A Home (Tampa Bay Times)

14: Nation Braces For Next Act Of Bipartisanship

15: Grievance Industry Records Record Profits

16: Liberal Golfer Demands Second Mulligan

17: Millennials Demand Reparations For National Debt

18: Family Man Works Tirelessly To Provide For IRS (Dallas Morning News)

19: Entire Generation Staring Up At Social Safety Net (Boston Globe)

20: Career Politician Considers Going Legit (Seattle Times)

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary – Driving me home commented in a not Dear Diary – Driving me home from the airport this afternoon my wife commented to in a not-unfriendly way that I stink. unfriendly way that I stink. I pretended to ignore it and changed the subject but it bristled. When we arrived home I called her on it.

“I stink?”

“I didn’t say that. I said you smell.”

“Oh,” I said. There was a pause. “By that, of course, you mean of lemon and myrrh?”

Then she did that thing where she kicks me between the legs.

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How To Catch An Olive On A Toothpick Clenched Between Your Teeth

This is the only trick for which I have a mantra, inspired by boastful NFL wide receivers: “Just get it in my area”. By “my” area, I mean, of course, the toothpick’s area. “Why not aim for it to land specifically on the toothpick?” For one thing, this trick is aScreen Shot 2013-08-12 at 5.12.03 PM fickle one and the olive landing on the toothpick is no guarantor that it will stick. More importantly, it’s too much pressure: actually stating my ultimate aim in black-and-white that takes my focus off the process, which, if executed well, usually takes care of the objective.

Again, when I stick to the process, the result usually follows. Mechanically, there are only three things I focus on: clenching the toothpick at a 90 degree angle, tossing the olive in a relaxed, moderate arc and positioning my mouth (not the toothpick!) beneath the descending olive. Accomplish those three things  and it’s more likely than not you’ll havesuccess.

And if you fail, best have something funny to say and nail it on the next try.

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The Time I Grabbed The Wrong Luggage At Singapore Airport

(Note: The NYT Business Travel section picked up on the adventure I describe below. Forward the story to your friends who fly.)

I was exhausted from the flight to Singapore. Having arrived at the airport, taken a cab to the hotel and checked into my room, all I could think about was removing my suit from my bag, hanging it and sleeping for ten or twelve hours. When I opened my bag, however, I couldn’t find my suit. Could I have forgotten to pack it? And where did this carton of Russian cigarettes come from? And this English-translation dictionary?

I contacted the front desk and told them about the situation. As expected, I was on my own. I returned to my room, zipped up the bag and took a cab back to the airport. There, a helpful representative escorted me through to arrivals and the baggage office. In front of the office was a large assortment of bags – I spotted mine immediately. I explained to the representative that I had accidentally taken the wrong bag from the carousel, that I was terribly sorry, and would she please help me sort it out?

I filled out a small amount of paperwork indemnifying the airplane for the poor Russian’s bag, exchanged it for my own and headed toward the airport exit. Because Singapore is the most paternal city in the world, I had to pass through security before exiting the airport to ensure I didn’t have any gum, pornography and other assorted forbidden items. The problem was, you see, that I had packed a Brian Dubè juggling machete, which is not a machete at all but a remarkable facsimile. The blade’s beveled edge looks sharp and it has the perfect balance for juggling but in fact it’s not much sharper than today’s thinnest laptops (not yet banned). I explained that I was a professional juggler performing in Singapore and that the item (that word!) was part of my show. They were surprisingly sympathetic to this and, after a little more back and forth, I was given a written authorization to bring it into the city, provided I did not remove it from the hotel.

Looking back, I was lucky that the Russian did’t end up walking away with my bag. For that matter, so was he, as I am certain he would have more difficulty explaining to the authorities why he was traveling with a machete, a garden hoe and a stuffed rabbit.

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