Biden Makes Unscheduled Campaign Stop In Pantry

Joe Biden made an impromptu campaign stop in the pantry of his home on Wednesday, where the presumptive Democratic nominee addressed healthcare, the coronavirus crisis and trying to recall why he had entered the pantry in the first place.

The former Vice President, taking questions from reporters over Skype, again dismissed allegations made by his former staffer Tara Reade that he had digitally penetrated her against her will in 1993, stating “I don’t know the first thing about computers.” Biden then proceeded to accidentally mute the Skype app while repeating the words “Next question” with increasing stridency.

When asked if he had ruled out either Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams, Amy Klobuchar or Elizabeth Warren as a potential running mate, Biden responded that he had great confidence in them all, adding “I’d feel confident tapping any one of those gals.”

Finally escorted out of the pantry without procuring anything, the visibly tired candidate puttered around the house for ten minutes before touching down in the hotly-contested battleground of the den.

Biden Vows Running Mate To Be “Real classy broad”

"The next Vice President will be cute as a button" - Joe Biden
Joe Biden tracing an hourglass figure with his hands.

Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden vowed in an interview on Monday that his running mate will be a “real classy broad,” presumably eliminating Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris and especially Stacey Abrams from consideration.

“She’ll be smart as a whip, committed to improving Obamacare, and have a full set of curves,” added Biden, tracing an hourglass shape with his hands.

Highlighting his commitment to gender equality, Biden emphasized that under no circumstances would he tap a male running mate, no matter how well-qualified.

If you enjoyed this post please consider sharing it with a friend, loved one or colleague.

I Translated My Stand-Up Into Buttigieg-Speak And The Results Were Amazing

Former Indiana mayor and professional teacher’s pet Pete Buttigieg is running for president. Known for his soaring rhetoric, perfect curriculum vitae and being married to another dude, Mayor Pete’s carefully cultivated image makes Barack Obama’s look like Nick Nolte’s.

With his support base of fellow white, affluent, urban, overeducated tone police, Buttigieg seems incapable of being funny even by accident. All of this had me thinking: what if I ran my standup comedy through Mayor Pete’s empty-suit rhetoric machine? Judge for yourself.

Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg speaks at the Iowa State Fair, Tuesday, Aug. 13, 2019, in Des Moines, Iowa. (AP Photo/John Locher)

The Satisfactions Of Task Completion

Man Forging Steel
Don’t discount small tasks: they’re the building blocks of accomplishment.

Why do we take inordinate satisfaction from having made the bed? Yes, the room becomes tidier. And yes, we look forward to crawling into a bed that has been made. But there’s even more to it than that, namely: the knowledge that if you can accomplish something – and something mildly tedious at that – first thing out of bed then what you can achieve after a cup of coffee is essentially limitless.

If you commit to making the bed upon waking waking then imagine what what you can accomplish after a cup of coffee.
Click to Share

A made bed, then, isn’t just nice to look at: it’s a good omen.

I feel like a superhero when making the bed. Not because super heroic to do so, but because I’d so much rather skip it and go directly to coffee. But performing this little task first provides just enough momentum for me to accomplish much more difficult things (like writing this blog post.)

Completing smallest tasks provides the tailwind for completing great ones.
Click to Share

Genuine accomplishment, whether it’s exercising daily or ridding Europe of totalitarianism, is comprised of smaller (much smaller!) tasks.

For the record, I am by nature a scatterbrain for whom seeing a task through to its conclusion often requires summoning what seems to be a superhuman degree of concentration. Also, I’ve always been enamored of ease, which is a nice way of saying that I’m lazy.

That’s not to say I haven’t accomplished things which have required a certain degree of tenacity and patience. I can get into the flow like most others. I can even be singleminded in my focus, as when a neurological problem robbed me of my juggling act (I had been winner of the International Jugglers Association’s junior championship) and I eventually succeeded in accomplishing what many of my colleagues dream of doing: I became a successful stand-up comedian.

Whenever I lament the inordinate amount of focus required to accomplish things things that need to get done, I like to remind myself of what I’ve accomplished thus far as an entertainer. (Sometimes I indulge a fantasy in which I am formally charged with laziness, to which I respond “Then explain this!,” at which point I do 90-minutes of comedy.)

Finally, some self-awareness comes in handy. If you’re unable to concentrate, going in circles and starting over and over, don’t kick yourself over it. You know who never complains about an inability to focus? People sitting around watching tv all day. (My apologies if tv is no longer a thing.)

In such instances, set the task aside and work on something else, preferably something completely different. If you’re engaged in cerebral work, do something physical like tidying up (I love tidying up as – like a shaved head – it provides a physical reminder that that you’ve accomplished something.) There’s usually something else that needs to be done – do it. When you return to the original task you’ll often find that shift in gears has served you well.

So with New Years resolutions dancing in our heads, don’t overlook the importance of getting started. Even if it means taking a single step.

How do you commit to getting things done? Let me know in a comment below. – D.

People Need To Laugh

magic live pictureEntertainers never tire of compliments. Sure, many are are generic or perfunctory, typically “Good show.” But in the main, compliments, rote or otherwise, are sincere expressions of appreciation.

But from time to time I receive a compliment that really brings home the good I do not only as a comedian but as a man. The compliment goes like this: “I really needed to laugh tonight.”

There’s a moral dimension to comedy. People have problems and many people have serious problems. And many of those people are in the audience. I find it useful to remind myself that doing a good show means I’m doing good. 

It’s easy to get bogged down in the details of doing the best show possible: reading the audience, adapting the show, not to mention flights, logistics and technical challenges. These and many more details go into making people laugh. Delivering the bang for your clients’ buck is, after all, what pays the bills.

But as a comedian I find it a useful reminder that people don’t just want to laugh – they *need* to laugh.

 

There’s Genius In Getting Started

aaaaa“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.”

Goethe no doubt knew this from personal experience, as we all do. We’ve all experienced the magic in the moment when you forgo making a third cup of coffee, decline to login to Facebook and instead start getting shit done.

Whether it’s tidying up your workspace, designing an app or writing a short story, actually doing the work is an illuminating moment, one that reminds us that nothing else matters. No number of motivational magnets on your fridge, daily inspiration in your inbox or personal growth courses will make a difference. What matters is doing the work.

What about improv class? Or that screenwriting seminar? Or film school? Please. You’ll learn more and spend less by improvising, screenwriting and filming. Who knows? There might even be a platform ready to distribute your movie for free to millions around the world.

But no one’s going to make the movie for you. You have to make it yourself.

Visit daviDDeeble.com or watch a clip (4:30s) about my talk, Winning With A Bad Hand.

Friendly Relationships Are Not Friendships

IMG_1411The difference between a friendly relationship and a friendship is easily understood. You and your landlord have a friendly relationship. You and Doug have a friendship. For most people, friendly relationships aren’t hard to come by. They’re everywhere: the mailman, the barista at your local Starbucks, the kid at the Apple Store who tries to explain to you the purpose of the cloud, etc.

But would you call any of them friends? For many people in our mindbogglingly fast-paced age of one-day news cycles and social media, the answer is “Yes.” But I want to ask: are they really your friends? Do you have their phone number? Can you name one of their hobbies? Do you open up to them about your marriage or finances, or they you?

Don’t get me wrong: friendly relationships aren’t to be discounted. Nobody gets more satisfaction than me from somebody’s secretary who issues a “Pip, pip cheerio and a top of the day to you, sir!” each morning. But can you count on her taking your call at any hour of the night?

I don’t doubt that Facebook has contributed to the confusion surrounding what constitutes a friendship. But I also believe that to some extent it is a product of it. For some time before Facebook we would casually refer to someone as “my friend” when she is, in fact, she is no such thing.

I get it, “friend” is just easy to say: “This is my friend Gladys.” What else are you going to say, “This is Gladys with whom I have a friendly relationship”? Of course not. Way too suggestive. But what’s wrong with “This is Gladys. She fits me for all my running shoes,”?

I’m as guilty as anyone of blurring the distinction. In truth, owing largely to my family and career, my circle of true-blue friends has become vanishingly small. And I’m not sanguine about it: I don’t think it’s possible to have too many friends. On the other hand, the difference between having one friend and no friends is immeasurably greater than the difference between having one friend or two friends.

But no matter how many friends you have, never forget the difference between friendship and friendliness and that with only latter you’re subsisting on the icing without the cake.

Visit daviDDeeble.com or watch me perform the Flaming Marshmallow Balance of Mystery  on the Late Late Show with James Corden.