Monthly Archives: June 2020

Company Stock Soars After CEO Tells Mob To Fuck Off

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Stocks for the pharmaceutical giant Xancorp, Inc. (+8.4%) soared on Monday after CEO Hal Maffis told activists to “Fuck off” in response to repeated calls for his firm to make an official statement in support of Antifa and Black Lives Matter.

Over the weekend Maffis bypassed his firm’s staid Twitter feed to establish his own account on the social media platform, tweeting “Our company is committed to its mission of researching and developing life-saving pharmaceuticals. Any entity demanding that do anything else can suck it.” The tweet was pinned to the top of Maffis’ Twitter feed, which features an avatar of the smiling CEO extending his middle finger.

When Pulitzer-prize winning founder of the 1619 Project Nikole Hannah-Jones replied to Maffis’s tweet that “Xancorp’s silence is violence,” the CEO replied “Fuck you, nobody owns our silence,” followed by twenty-seven piles-of-shit icons.

Later, Maffis replied to a tweet by a Portland area Antifa member which called the CEO a fascist for failing to make a full-throated condemnation of capitalism by tweeting “Xancorp is committed to making huge profits by saving lives and by reinvesting those huge profits to save even more lives. If you don’t like it you can eat a bag of dicks, my friend.”

At press time Xancorp’s stock was up 184%.

Enjoy this satire? Share it with a friend! – Dave

Newsroom Achieves Peak Diversity With Firing Of Final Dissenter

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The San Francisco Chronicle achieved peak diversity on Monday with the firing of its final dissenting employee. The Bay Area’s most influential newspaper is believed to the first in the country to eliminate from its newsroom any and all vestige of minority viewpoints, politically incorrect opinions or contrary positions.

In doing so, the overwhelmingly white employees of the newspaper achieved what consultants refer to as “peak diversity,” a reference to the extent to which all in-house writers, journalists, editors, publishers and staffers hold identical progressive views, even as those views are in flux.

The fired writer, a conservative African-American Muslim lesbian, was not available for comment.

Enjoy this satire? Leave a comment below and share with a friend! – Dave

Masked Looter Obviously Mitt Romney

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Washington D.C., – According to witnesses, a masked looter emerging from a Brooks Brothers store near the U.S. Capitol building is obviously Senator Mitt Romney (R-ish, Utah). Romney allegedly shattered the storefront window with an aluminum baseball bat and exited a few minutes later with a dark blue pinstriped suit, a handful of low-key red and blue ties and some extra-starched khakis for weekend wear.

When asked to how his violent and unlawful behavior squared with his religious convictions, Romney condemned President Trump’s divisive tone.

At press time Romney had re-entered the store for a handful of shoe horns before the dousing the premises with gasoline and torching it with a discarded cigarette.

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BREAKING NEWS: Woman Completely Satisfied

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Long Beach, CA. – According to reports, area woman Elizabeth Boyd is momentarily experiencing complete satisfaction, untainted by fear or concerns about her family, COVID-19, police brutality, race riots, when her kids will return to school, or her weight.

Boyd’s husband says his wife is also not currently fearful that he’ll lose his health insurance, dissatisfied with his salary, upset by the fact that he didn’t shaved today, the fresh coffee mug ring next to the kitchen sink, or her weight. Boyd’s children confirmed that their mother is not currently rattled by her son Connor’s scrapped knee, daughter McKenna’s lack of enthusiasm for math, son Jack’s A- in English, the small pile of clothes accumulated on the floors of their rooms, or her weight.

Boyd’s friends have further confirmed that Boyd appears, if only fleetingly, to be anticipating her children’s future, thrilled with the fit of her newly-purchased jeans and satisfied with her weight.

At press time Boyd’s emotional satisfaction was shattered by a stray thought about the 2020 election.

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Major League Baseball To Speed Up Play By Canceling Season

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New York, N.Y. – Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced a series of rule changes on Monday designed to speed up the pace of play, including a pitch clock, stricter limits on mound visits by managers and cancellation of the entire 2020 season.

“Our great game cannot maintain its rarified status in the American imagination without appealing to a younger, less patient, and more-easily distracted generation of Americans who care nothing for the nuances of double steals, hit-and-runs and small ball. It’s my belief this is best achieved by a series of reforms to the game, principally cancelling the 2020 season outright.”

At press time the league was also considering a ban on 1-0 games.

If you enjoyed this satire, kindly share it with others who might also. Thank you! – Dave