Major League Baseball To Speed Up Play By Canceling Season

New York, N.Y. – Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced a series of rule changes on Monday designed to speed up the pace of play, including a pitch clock, stricter limits on mound visits by managers and cancellation of the entire 2020 season.

“Our great game cannot maintain its rarified status in the American imagination without appealing to a younger, less patient, and more-easily distracted generation of Americans who care nothing for the nuances of double steals, hit-and-runs and small ball. It’s my belief this is best achieved by a series of reforms to the game, principally cancelling the 2020 season outright.”

At press time the league was also considering a ban on 1-0 games.

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10 Worst-Named Kentucky Derby Winners

1876: Bad Bet

Bad Bet was a good bet in the debut of the Kentucky Derby. The longest-shot winner in the history of the race, its official odds were listed as “n/a”.

1894: Eisenstein’s Theory Of Film Montage

This horse has the distinction of being the only Derby winner to complete the race in less time than it takes to say his name. Oddly, this horse was named before Eisenstein developed his theory of film montage.

1901: Slow News Day 

Slow News Day was apparently born on Writers Block Day. Nothing entices gamblers to bet on a long shot like a horse with the word “slow” in its name.

1902: Slow-Developing Play In The Backfield

Not to be outdone by the owners of Slow News Day, the owners of Slow Developing Play In The Backfield managed to include in one name the word “slow” and an ill-advised short-yardage play from football. Kudos!

1910: Statistically Insignificant 

Difficult to pronounce and despised by broadcasters, this horse’s name was often simplified to “Plus-Or-Minus-Five-Percent”.

1921: The Clap

Over 70 years after the discovery of penicillin, this horses name still isn’t funny. After winning the triple crown, The Clap’s owner was imprisoned without charges or controversy.

1925: Niggardly Pissant

Let’s just say that Niggardly Pissant reached peak fitness during a more literate time than our own. The source of outrage among the uneducated, uninformed and – at the risk of repetition – Democrats, Niggardly Pissant was also the focus of protests that were as nebulous as they were passionate.

1960: Ill-advised

This self-describing horse name belonged to a 20-1 long-shot but won the Derby after every other horse in the race was famously disqualified at the request of Frank Sinatra.

1969: Ampers&nd

The arrival of Ampers&nd signified the mournful beginning of unpronounceable celebrity names. (Ampers&nd is also the sire of the 1965 Kentucky Derby winner, ♌).

1997: Fourskin

Even while leading from start to finish, dim-witted broadcasters gleefully described the 1997 winner of the Kentucky Derby as having been “cut off down the backstretch.”