10 Worst-Named Kentucky Derby Winners

1876: Bad Bet

Bad Bet was a good bet in the debut of the Kentucky Derby. The longest-shot winner in the history of the race, its official odds were listed as “n/a”.

1894: Eisenstein’s Theory Of Film Montage

This horse has the distinction of being the only Derby winner to complete the race in less time than it takes to say his name. Oddly, this horse was named before Eisenstein developed his theory of film montage.

1901: Slow News Day 

Slow News Day was apparently born on Writers Block Day. Nothing entices gamblers to bet on a long shot like a horse with the word “slow” in its name.

1902: Slow-Developing Play In The Backfield

Not to be outdone by the owners of Slow News Day, the owners of Slow Developing Play In The Backfield managed to include in one name the word “slow” and an ill-advised short-yardage play from football. Kudos!

1910: Statistically Insignificant 

Difficult to pronounce and despised by broadcasters, this horse’s name was often simplified to “Plus-Or-Minus-Five-Percent”.

1921: The Clap

Over 70 years after the discovery of penicillin, this horses name still isn’t funny. After winning the triple crown, The Clap’s owner was imprisoned without charges or controversy.

1925: Niggardly Pissant

Let’s just say that Niggardly Pissant reached peak fitness during a more literate time than our own. The source of outrage among the uneducated, uninformed and – at the risk of repetition – Democrats, Niggardly Pissant was also the focus of protests that were as nebulous as they were passionate.

1960: Ill-advised

This self-describing horse name belonged to a 20-1 long-shot but won the Derby after every other horse in the race was famously disqualified at the request of Frank Sinatra.

1969: Ampers&nd

The arrival of Ampers&nd signified the mournful beginning of unpronounceable celebrity names. (Ampers&nd is also the sire of the 1965 Kentucky Derby winner, ♌).

1997: Fourskin

Even while leading from start to finish, dim-witted broadcasters gleefully described the 1997 winner of the Kentucky Derby as having been “cut off down the backstretch.”



18 Reasons I’m Unfit To Stand Trial

Last year I published an unauthorized autobiography. Enraged at page after page of lies, I sued myself for libel, won, and settled with myself out of court for an undisclosed sum.

When my wife informed me that she’s always been attracted to the “strong, silent type” I happily informed her that I’ve always been attracted to “the silent type.”

I believe that I can remove creases from my suit by caressing them with the back of my hand.

I secretly relish that the word “lisp” has an “s” in it.

On the issue of waterboarding, I am situationalist, not an absolutist: I acknowledge that there are instances, however rare, in which it is indeed wrong.

When arguing with my German wife, I am often outwardly conciliatory but inside I become Winston Churchill: “We will fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the hills and we shall NEVER SURRENDER!”

I find the word “titillating” more than a little titillating.

I found losing my virginity to be more difficult than finding Dick Cheney at Burning Man.

I like to leave little notes in my kids’ school lunches. Nothing profound – just little remiders like “Lucas, remember that while you are in math class I will be at home getting quietly hammered.”

10 I recently attempted to plea-bargain with the Los Angeles District Attorney to have my witness tampering and point shaving charges reduced to what I called “witness shaving”.

11 Around my wife I tend to make things sound more manly than they really are. For example, I don’t “go fishing”, I go “hunting for fish”. Then I throw in an “Uga! Uga! Me go trout farm!”

12 Boarding a plane recently, I approached the man in the seat behind me and asked if he would mind swapping seats with me so that his wife and I could be together.

13 In a recent letter to the editor of the New York Times, I mistakenly stated that in Negro Leagues Baseball, home runs were referred to as “homie runs”. This is inaccurate and I regret the mistake.

14 Far from understanding that there will always be another elevator, I tend to react to the arrival of each one as if it’s the last helicopter leaving Vietnam.

15 After reading that rectal thermometers are the most accurate, my first thought was “A bonus!”

16 When I was a kid I couldn’t decide weather to be a cowboy or an Indian. One minute I’d want to be the Lone Ranger and the next, Indira Gandhi.

17 I am always tricked into opening junk mail with the misleading subject line “Small Pen Is”.

18 I am clinically insane.


Dear WikiLeaks: 20 Unsavory Facts About Me The Public Has A Right To Know


1: Once, while boarding a flight to Los Angeles, I politely asked the man in the seat behind me if he would mind swapping seats with me so that his wife and I could sit together.

2: I once participated in a ménage à trois. It wasn’t exactly the ratio of women-to-men that I had been hoping for. In fact, it was just us three guys, but still…

3: At New York La Guardia, airport security tried to confiscate my hair gel from my carry-on bag. I didn’t let them take it – I just put it in my hair, where, apparently it’s legal.

4: After opting out of the full body scanner in favor of the “enhanced pat-down”, it was patiently explained to me that the entire area was “for ticketed passengers only”.

5: I recently took the Internet Addiction Test (which, curiously, is only available online) and immediately posted the results on my Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, LinkedIn, Plaxo-Pulse, StumbleUpon, Tumblr, MySpace and Burpalicious accounts.


6: Physically, I most resemble a cross between Elvis Presley and a Keebler Elf.

7: At 5’5″, I’m not just “shorter than average” – I damn near represent the Lollipop Guild.

8: As a result of my small physical stature, my friends often ask me to help assemble those ships inside the bottle.

9: One of my previous jobs was at a men’s big and tall clothing store. My job was to stand around while my boss pointed me out to customers while saying “Hey look! Pinocchio is a real boy!”


10: I am not only president of the Bay Area Republicans Club – I’m also the member.

11: While many criticize the government’s stimulus spending because it’s our children and grandchildren who have to pay for it, as far as I’m concerned that’s the only thing I like about it.

12: Try though I might, I still don’t understand how an entity that can print its own money cannot maintain a perfect credit rating.


13: As my parents are well into their 80’s, I have mentally re-classified them from “energetic” to “spry”.

14: When on a cruise with my wife I always reserve a stateroom with a balcony as she often locks me out of the bathroom.

15: My wife and I have three children (one of each).

16: We actually planned all of our children (although I should point out that we didn’t actually get any of the ones we planned).


17: I am the author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Self-Esteem” and “Facetious: The Greek Goddess of Sarcasm.” I am currently researching a book on how to develop assertiveness (if that’s okay with you).


18: While I believe that no man is an island, I fully acknowledge that Orson Welles came pretty damn close toward the end.

19: I have calculated the odds that Larry King and Elizibeth Taylor never marry each other at over 8-million-to-one.

20: I believe that I can remove creases from my suit by gently caressing them with the back of my hand.

Thank you, WikiLeaks, for the good work that you do. “Transparency uber alles!”

15 Things I’m Doing To Make The World A Better Place – And You Can Too

I’m all about two things: making the world a better place and learning how to count cards when playing blackjack for money against my mom. Today’s blog is about the former: 15 things I’m doing to make my world – and therefore the world – a better place.

1: Write the world’s first unauthorized autobiography, sue self.

2: Take 10 minutes each day to think of something other than broads and jazz bands.

3: When boarding plane, politely ask man in seat behind me if he would mind swapping seats so that his wife and I could sit together.

4: Write management at the Denver Zoo re: the proliferation of uncaged squirrels.

5: Install urinal in home bathroom, subtly remind wife who really calls the shots.

6: Write to Major League Baseball re: my ideas (bunt derby!)

7: Explain to mom that not knowing how to operate a fax machine doesn’t mean you’re out of touch – simply owning one does.

8: Write cease-and-desist letter to my Turkish barber.

9: End drug war, turn nation’s energy against people who crowd the feeder belt of the airport baggage carousel.

10: Build an airplane navigation system that isn’t compromised by someone playing “Angry Birds” during take-off.

11: Create list (for future reference) of all the reasons I am unfit to stand trial.

12: When listening to others, learn to overcome distractions like walls, floors, ceilings and all physical objects.

13: Talk with attorney re: possibility of witness tampering and point shaving charges against me being reduced to witness shaving.

14: Attend Burning Man, look for Dick Cheney.

15: Fig Newton bender!

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