Newsom To Open California Beaches One Grain Of Sand At A Time

In response to his state’s increasing calls for a path back to normalcy, Governor Gavin Newsom (D) announced plans to allow California’s beaches to re-open one grain of sand at a time. “The process must begin now, as opening up our world-class beaches will be a long one. In fact, an eternity” said Newsom, who then smiled wryly in the way only petty tyrants can.

The announcement reflects a policy shift for Newsom, who just days ago had called for “Lockdown today, lockdown tomorrow, lockdown forever!”

Polls suggests that Californians have widely-panned the move as a cynical ploy to burnish Newsom’s presidential ambitions in anticipation of the the 2024 election. As a politically powerful white male, the California governor is uniquely situated to pat a minority lesbian on the head for the bottom of the Democratic ticket.

Police Break Up Large Gathering Outside Unemployment Office

Fairbanks, Alaska – Police officers broke up a large gathering of people outside an unemployment office on Monday. The assembled individuals, rendered jobless since the state instituted its social distancing policy, had formed an orderly line outside the office’s front door during the early morning hours in order to avoid a big crowd of people.

Fairbanks, just 4,300 miles from the heart of the U.S. outbreak in New York City, is located in central Alaska, a state which has banned gatherings of more than ten people per square mile. Joe Kleinsmith, who was laid off during government-mandated recession, was one of those detained by police. “I was surprised how safe I felt in jail,” said the newly-minted former construction worker, referring to the furloughing of violent criminals in order to make room for those exercising their right to earn a living wage.

Since the first-reported U.S. coronavirus case in early March, Alaska has reported more fatalities from from slipping on ice (10) than the novel coronavirus (9). As a result, state health officials have banned ice through August 15.