Masked Looter Obviously Mitt Romney

Washington D.C., – According to witnesses, a masked looter emerging from a Brooks Brothers store near the U.S. Capitol building is obviously Senator Mitt Romney (R-ish, Utah). Romney allegedly shattered the storefront window with an aluminum baseball bat and exited a few minutes later with a dark blue pinstriped suit, a handful of low-key red and blue ties and some extra-starched khakis for weekend wear.

When asked to how his violent and unlawful behavior squared with his religious convictions, Romney condemned President Trump’s divisive tone.

At press time Romney had re-entered the store for a handful of shoe horns before the dousing the premises with gasoline and torching it with a discarded cigarette.

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BREAKING NEWS: Woman Completely Satisfied

Long Beach, CA. – According to reports, area woman Elizabeth Boyd is momentarily experiencing complete satisfaction, untainted by fear or concerns about her family, COVID-19, police brutality, race riots, when her kids will return to school, or her weight.

Boyd’s husband says his wife is also not currently fearful that he’ll lose his health insurance, dissatisfied with his salary, upset by the fact that he didn’t shaved today, the fresh coffee mug ring next to the kitchen sink, or her weight. Boyd’s children confirmed that their mother is not currently rattled by her son Connor’s scrapped knee, daughter McKenna’s lack of enthusiasm for math, son Jack’s A- in English, the small pile of clothes accumulated on the floors of their rooms, or her weight.

Boyd’s friends have further confirmed that Boyd appears, if only fleetingly, to be anticipating her children’s future, thrilled with the fit of her newly-purchased jeans and satisfied with her weight.

At press time Boyd’s emotional satisfaction was shattered by a stray thought about the 2020 election.

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Major League Baseball To Speed Up Play By Canceling Season

New York, N.Y. – Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced a series of rule changes on Monday designed to speed up the pace of play, including a pitch clock, stricter limits on mound visits by managers and cancellation of the entire 2020 season.

“Our great game cannot maintain its rarified status in the American imagination without appealing to a younger, less patient, and more-easily distracted generation of Americans who care nothing for the nuances of double steals, hit-and-runs and small ball. It’s my belief this is best achieved by a series of reforms to the game, principally cancelling the 2020 season outright.”

At press time the league was also considering a ban on 1-0 games.

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Law And Order Polling At All-time High

In a remarkable shift from just a week ago when law and order were deemed less popular than the coronavirus, pollsters across the country are now reporting that traditional concepts such as “lawfulness” have now surged in popularity across the country, particularly among minorities.

As sociologists struggled to explain what could be motivating a record number of Americans of all backgrounds to support peaceful protesters over violent mobs, firemen over arsonists and the police over looters, public officials at every level of government scrambled to signal to their constituents their support for the rule of law.

The rise in the popularity of lawfulness transcended all political, race, gender and socioeconomic lines and coincides with a period of joyful anarchy in American cities. The spike in the popularity for the enforcement of laws was most stark among owners and employees of minority-owned businesses, which coincidentally tend to proliferate in America’s urban areas.

Working-class African-Americans, who’ve been disproportionately affected by the recent spate of indoor fireworks, the unauthorized borrowing of unsold stereo equipment and a have demonstrated the starkest spike in support for the rule of law. Speaking in front of the smoldering ruins of the small grocery store that had been owned by his family for three generations, one Atlanta resident spoke for many when he said that these new norms actually hurt his community. “I always figured that if we lost the business I could go to work at Target” said the lifelong Georgian, apparently unaware that his local Target is also now a hole in the ground.

At press time the resident, who wished to remain anonymous because of his anti-crime stance, was wondering what impact the burning down of the local police station would have on his property values.

Illinois Flooded With Ex-Governors As Prisons Emptied Over Coronavirus Concerns

Illinois has been inundated with a rising tide of former governors as federal penitentiaries released hundreds of convicts over coronavirus concerns. In Chicago, residents were forced to evacuate their homes as basements became flooded with the likes of George Ryan (R., racketeering) and Rod Blogojevich (D., lying to federal agents.)

Downstate in Cairo, residents were forced onto rooftops as the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers overflowed their banks with the addition of former Illinois governors Otto Kerner (D., mail fraud, conspiracy, perjury) and Dan Walker (D., bank fraud, filing false financial statements.)

At press time current Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker was purchasing a new home on high ground using funds donated to his re-election campaign.

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Newsom To Open California Beaches One Grain Of Sand At A Time

In response to his state’s increasing calls for a path back to normalcy, Governor Gavin Newsom (D) announced plans to allow California’s beaches to re-open one grain of sand at a time. “The process must begin now, as opening up our world-class beaches will be a long one. In fact, an eternity” said Newsom, who then smiled wryly in the way only petty tyrants can.

The announcement reflects a policy shift for Newsom, who just days ago had called for “Lockdown today, lockdown tomorrow, lockdown forever!”

Polls suggests that Californians have widely-panned the move as a cynical ploy to burnish Newsom’s presidential ambitions in anticipation of the the 2024 election. As a politically powerful white male, the California governor is uniquely situated to pat a minority lesbian on the head for the bottom of the Democratic ticket.

Imperial College Researchers Model Likely Impact Of Weekend Booty Calls

Imperial College researchers released a study on Monday weighing the likely impact on the spread of COVID-19 of having your married, mother-of-two mistress pop by from the other side of London for a quick shag.

Disgraced former Imperial College lead researcher Niall Ferguson said that the results were inconclusive and that further study was required.

Nation Urged To Remain Calm, Consider Eating One Meal A Day

President Trump today called on Americans to “remain calm, exercise commonsense social distancing and consider eating just one meal a day.”

The comments were given in response to concerns that the U.S. food supply chains might be strained to the point of breaking. Trump went on to encourage citizens to “go on about your lives, get plenty of fresh, beautiful air and think about grazing on nuts for a majority of your daily caloric needs.”

When asked if Americans should be concerned that McDonalds has limited all customers to six-piece McNuggets, the president began to sob violently on Vice President Pence’s shoulder.

Trump Orders My Pillow® Guy To Manufacture McNuggets

Citing concern over the U.S. food supply chain and his own penchant for McDonalds, President Trump on Friday invoked the National Defense Act ordering My Pillow® founder and CEO Mike Lindell to place his factories on McNugget footing by the end of May.

Lindell, whose pillow facilities had only just completed the arduous task of transitioning to manufacturing masks, expressed confidence that his company can begin cranking out McDonalds-quality McNuggets by the president’s May 31 deadline. Lindell added that he expects by mid-June his 1,500 employees will also be able to produce Tangy BBQ, Sweet ‘n Sour, Hot Mustard, Honey Mustard and Trump-favorite Habanero Ranch dipping sauces.

When asked about concerns that his Executive Order might create a scarcity of soft sleeping surfaces stuffed with interlocking fill which adjusts to Americans’ widely-varying sleep positions, President Trump issued another Executive Order requiring that KFC begin manufacturing My Pillows®.

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Biden Makes Unscheduled Campaign Stop In Pantry

Joe Biden made an impromptu campaign stop in the pantry of his home on Wednesday, where the presumptive Democratic nominee addressed healthcare, the coronavirus crisis and trying to recall why he had entered the pantry in the first place.

The former Vice President, taking questions from reporters over Skype, again dismissed allegations made by his former staffer Tara Reade that he had digitally penetrated her against her will in 1993, stating “I don’t know the first thing about computers.” Biden then proceeded to accidentally mute the Skype app while repeating the words “Next question” with increasing stridency.

When asked if he had ruled out either Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams, Amy Klobuchar or Elizabeth Warren as a potential running mate, Biden responded that he had great confidence in them all, adding “I’d feel confident tapping any one of those gals.”

Finally escorted out of the pantry without procuring anything, the visibly tired candidate puttered around the house for ten minutes before touching down in the hotly-contested battleground of the den.