Massive Thunderstorm Leaves North Korea With Electricity, Running Water

A large thunderstorm stalled over the Korean Peninsula on Friday leaving North Koreans with more than a day’s supply of electricity and running water. Citzens across the country seized the opportunity to turn on their space heaters, take showers and read government propaganda from light emanating from naked overhead bulbs. Elites in the tonier sections of Pyongyang even took the opportunity to charge their iPhones.

At press time the storm had passed and North Koreans were again drying their laundry using wind and solar.

Zoom Panel Featuring Clinton, Toobin, Weiner Goes About As Well As Expected

A highly-touted online panel purportedly addressing climate change featuring Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Toobin and Anthony Weiner went about as well as could be expected on Tuesday as all three men ended up in varying degrees of undress.

Approximately 20 minutes into the conference Mr. Weiner seemed to lose interest when Mr. Clinton was discussing the merits of a carbon tax. Shortly thereafter the former representative for New York’s 9th district proceeded to remove his shirt in order to send selfie to an individual he referred to as “AngelSlut22@yahoo.”

During the question-and-answer portion of the panel a viewer submitted a question to Mr. Toobin regarding the legal complexities of cap-and-trade. Mr. Toobin, however, apparently unaware that his camera was on and functioning, was taking the opportunity the opportunity to engage in an act of such disgusting sexual depravity that even The New Yorker felt compelled to fire him.

Toward the end of the conference Mr. Clinton was in the act of removing his tie when he was asked a question about green energy subsidies. The former president ignored the question, however, and instead called on Mr. Weiner to “send me her pic” – an apparent reference to Ms. AngelSlut. Mr. Weiner ignored the request, however, stating simply that he’d like to be addressed as “Carlos Danger.”

Many of the more than 5,000 individuals who paid $100 to gain entry to the online conference later complained about the poor sound quality of the three panelists’ microphones. In response, Messrs. Clinton, Toobin and Weiner agreed that moving forward they would login from an indoor location.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Americans Forced To Work Job Just To Put Food On Table

Long Beach, California: A vast array of local, state and federal unemployment benefits is not enough to prevent some Americans from seeking remunerative work.

A husband and father to three children, Dan Allen has been receiving a vast array of city, state and federal unemployment benefits since being furloughed from his job when the COVID-19 crisis struck last March. Nevertheless, Mr. Allen and millions of Americans just like him are learning the hard way that government largesse just isn’t enough. Shortly after the initial lockdown last spring, Allen decided to swallow his pride and return to work.

“I’m not proud of it. But my wife and I sat down and crunched the numbers and there was no way around it: I was going to have to begin earning again” he said.

Policymakers in Washington are struggling to deal with a problem which has been perplexing public officials since the New Deal: how to keep people from relying on work to support themselves?

True, some Americans do better than others on social welfare programs. Some, particularly in America’s most progressive cities and states, even seem to thrive on them. Others, however, have difficulty escaping an endless cycle of dependency on hard work, saving and investment. And it is these Americans whom policymakers are most concerned about.

“Our studies suggest that there’s a cultural component,” said Theodore M. Stanley, a research fellow at the Center For The Emerging Majority, a progressive think tank. “It’s breaking that cycle of work-paycheck-work-paycheck which gets passed down through generations which presents the greatest challenge to policymakers.” Mr. Stanley advocates, among other things, a gradual reduction in the retirement age.

While total dependency on government may be the ideal, some planners look to compromises made in countries such a Greece, where those who insist on working are given largely harmless positions in government.

Munchkin Coroner: Wicked Witch Died Of Covid

Munchkinland – According to Munchkinland coroner Dweebnic McPhallanx III, the hated Wicked Witch of the East died of complications related to COVID-19. At an impromptu press conference where the old bat’s corpse was prominently displayed, the 712-year old McPhallanx stated “As coroner, I must aver, having thoroughly examined her that she’s not only merely dead she’s really quite sincerely dead.”

As the county seat of the Land of Oz, Munchkinland officials reserved the right to ensure that the daft shrew from hell – who was frequently seen without a mask – was legally, morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.

The coroner’s announcement put to rest a widely-held conspiracy theory that the death of the vicious hag had to do with a frigging house landing on her dome.

Though Munchkindland was previously thought to be free of the virus, the coroner’s determination meant an automatic return to the lockdown policies imposed last March by the city’s absolutely adorable public health officials. Mayor Alperoo Vercingetorix IV added that in addition to a reimposition of mask requirements and social distancing mandates, Munchkin children would have to remain in their nests until further notice.

The old battle-ax’s funeral arrangements have not yet been made public, though the mayor assured the citizenry that “It’ll be a real rager.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Uber-Airbnb Merger Enables Users To Sleep In Stranger’s Car

The Federal Trade Commission has approved a merger between Airbnb and the ride-sharing app Uber, allowing users to sack out on the backseat of stranger’s Buick Lesabre.

According to Airbnb CEO Derrick LaSalle, the merger will represent to consumers the best of both worlds: a moderately clean backseat/bed to go along with the sleep-inducing whoosh of a car traveling an average of 35 miles an hour.

Uber executives denied reports of a third merger with Chuck E. Cheese.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave