Americans Forced To Work Job Just To Put Food On Table

Long Beach, California: A vast array of local, state and federal unemployment benefits is not enough to prevent some Americans from seeking remunerative work.

A husband and father to three children, Dan Allen has been receiving a vast array of city, state and federal unemployment benefits since being furloughed from his job when the COVID-19 crisis struck last March. Nevertheless, Mr. Allen and millions of Americans just like him are learning the hard way that government largesse just isn’t enough. Shortly after the initial lockdown last spring, Allen decided to swallow his pride and return to work.

“I’m not proud of it. But my wife and I sat down and crunched the numbers and there was no way around it: I was going to have to begin earning again” he said.

Policymakers in Washington are struggling to deal with a problem which has been perplexing public officials since the New Deal: how to keep people from relying on work to support themselves?

True, some Americans do better than others on social welfare programs. Some, particularly in America’s most progressive cities and states, even seem to thrive on them. Others, however, have difficulty escaping an endless cycle of dependency on hard work, saving and investment. And it is these Americans whom policymakers are most concerned about.

“Our studies suggest that there’s a cultural component,” said Theodore M. Stanley, a research fellow at the Center For The Emerging Majority, a progressive think tank. “It’s breaking that cycle of work-paycheck-work-paycheck which gets passed down through generations which presents the greatest challenge to policymakers.” Mr. Stanley advocates, among other things, a gradual reduction in the retirement age.

While total dependency on government may be the ideal, some planners look to compromises made in countries such a Greece, where those who insist on working are given largely harmless positions in government.

Munchkin Coroner: Wicked Witch Died Of Covid

Munchkinland – According to Munchkinland coroner Dweebnic McPhallanx III, the hated Wicked Witch of the East died of complications related to COVID-19. At an impromptu press conference where the old bat’s corpse was prominently displayed, the 712-year old McPhallanx stated “As coroner, I must aver, having thoroughly examined her that she’s not only merely dead she’s really quite sincerely dead.”

As the county seat of the Land of Oz, Munchkinland officials reserved the right to ensure that the daft shrew from hell – who was frequently seen without a mask – was legally, morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.

The coroner’s announcement put to rest a widely-held conspiracy theory that the death of the vicious hag had to do with a frigging house landing on her dome.

Though Munchkindland was previously thought to be free of the virus, the coroner’s determination meant an automatic return to the lockdown policies imposed last March by the city’s absolutely adorable public health officials. Mayor Alperoo Vercingetorix IV added that in addition to a reimposition of mask requirements and social distancing mandates, Munchkin children would have to remain in their nests until further notice.

The old battle-ax’s funeral arrangements have not yet been made public, though the mayor assured the citizenry that “It’ll be a real rager.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Uber-Airbnb Merger Enables Users To Sleep In Stranger’s Car

The Federal Trade Commission has approved a merger between Airbnb and the ride-sharing app Uber, allowing users to sack out on the backseat of stranger’s Buick Lesabre.

According to Airbnb CEO Derrick LaSalle, the merger will represent to consumers the best of both worlds: a moderately clean backseat/bed to go along with the sleep-inducing whoosh of a car traveling an average of 35 miles an hour.

Uber executives denied reports of a third merger with Chuck E. Cheese.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Governor Calls On Californians To Limit Ventilator Use During Peak Hours

Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.

Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

Mayor Awards Portland Resident Key To What’s Left Of City

Mayor Ted Wheeler today awarded lifelong Portland resident Bob Underwood the key to what’s left of the city. As a mob of Antifa and BLM activists set fire to local businesses to protest capitalism and system racism, Underwood paid homage to the city of his birth, describing the City of Roses as “a great place to grow up until about 1970.”

Mayor Wheeler concluded the event by apologizing to the mob for any inconvenience created by the ceremony.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Nashville Bomber’s Remains Shipped To Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Jacksonville, Mobile, Charlotte

Having completed the first phase of the investigation into the Christmas morning bombing in downtown Nashville, authorities have shipped the remains of the suspect to Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Charlotte, Wilmington, Tupelo and both Minneapolis and St. Paul.

After matching the DNA found at the scene to that of Anthony Quinn Warner, the Nashville coroner concluded that the suspect had died of coronavirus.

Services for Mr. Warner will be held Saturday at the Church of Scientology and Celebrity Centre of Nashville (open casket).

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Miss Swimsuit USA To Drop Swimsuit Segment

Miss Swimsuit USA, widely considered the country’s premier beach-body competition, is eliminating its swimsuit segment and will therefore cease to exist altogether. “Miss Swimsuit USA is a long-cherished American tradition which we intend to bring into the modern era by cancelling it forever” according to CEO Dawn Easterbrook.

The competition, which highlighted feminine beauty, grace, and confidence for nearly 100 years, will be replaced by an Antifa-sponsored poetry slam about the perils of being a pregnant man in Trump’s America.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave