Fauci: “Nothing stops. Or am I being obtuse?”

The nation’s highest-paid federal employee issued a stern warning to all Americans on Monday, stating that the long-awaited vaccines against COVID-19 won’t alter the longterm necessity of masks, school closures, lockdowns, and social distancing measures. 

Responding to a question from a reporter about the possibility of relaxing restrictions once a majority of Americans have been vaccinated against the coronavirus, Dr. Fauci replied “Nothing stops. Nothing! Or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protections from the Bill of Rights. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the New York nursing home residents. Wearing a mask is too onerous? I’ll make you wear three – and throw in a charcoal filter just for giggles.”

When asked about the prospect of again singing in church, Dr. Fauci replied “Churches? Gone. Sealed off brick by brick. We’ll have us a little hymnal barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. Elites will dance around it like wild Injuns, er, I mean Native Americans. Do you understand me? Are you catching my drift? Or am I being obtuse?” Dr. Fauci then held up his Ph.D and said “Put your trust in The Word. Your ass belongs to me.”

The press conference concluded with Dr. Fauci instructing President Biden to “Give ’em another year to think about it.” 

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