Monthly Archives: September 2020

Romney To Consult Conscience Before Rejecting Trump SCOTUS Nominee

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Senator Mitt Romney (R., Utah) announced today that he is not opposed in principle to moving forward with voting for a replacement for the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, stating that “If it comes to a vote, I’ll consult my conscience and my Creator and before voting a firm ‘nay’.”

Romney was lauded by political operatives on both sides of the aisle in Washington establishment for seeking to “turn down the country’s political temperature,” in the words of David French. “Both parties need to compromise,” said 99-year old former Secretary of State George P. Shultz, adding that “cynically putting it to a vote before handing over a huge political victory to the Democrats is what has historically made America great.”

At press time The Bulwark was calling for Romney to face a primary opponent for enabling Trump in exercising his constitutional duty.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Tesla Unveils Sailboat Powered Exclusively By Wind Power

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Tesla CEO Elon Musk introduced a sailboat powered entirely by renewable wind energy today to a group of journalists and high-tech insiders. Retailing at one-billion dollars, the Sailster is marketed primarily for tooling around the Mediterranean, trans-Atlantic voyages between Nice and Manhattan and house-shopping along the Rhode Island coast.

“Imagine sailing from San Francisco to Los Angeles, your arrival governed entirely by the the currents, the wind, and the local longshoreman unions,” said Musk, adding “Thanks to the Sailster, the dream of transiting the Atlantic with zero emissions will become a reality.”

Musk went on to challenge his audience to consider the implications of being able to sail from California the following Monday, arrive in Hawaii less than three weeks later, and then be back in California in time for the fall mudslide season.

At press time Musk was expressing concern that rising sea levels generated by global warming might add four or five months to the Hawaii journey.

Did you enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Biden Warns Mob: You’re Crushing My Nuts In Wisconsin

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Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden issued a stern warning to those engaging looting, arson, destruction of property and unlawful violence in cities across America: “You’re crushing my nuts in Wisconsin.”

Biden went further than his previous, more generic condemnation of the violence in calling out key parts of his own constituency by name, namely, Antifa and Black Lives Matter activists. “Listen son,” said the former Vice President, “the mayhem and unrest you’re causing from Portland to Kenosha is criminal, un-American, immoral and absolutely killing me in the battleground states.”

Biden assured the violent faction of his coalition that if elected he would revert to the status quo ante and “you kids can again get your ya-yas out on day one of my presidency.”

Biden concluded his comments by reminding voters where they can donate to raise bail money for the violent demonstrators.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave