NEWS CRAWL…

Tie-Dye Champion Forfeits Crown After Passing Drug Test… Shark Braves Cuban-Infested Waters… Something In Italy Happens On Time… Alabama To Join The Dollar… Area Man Only Drinks A-Socially… Area Parents Out Of Timeouts… Man Marries Stripper, Pleads Insanity… The Hague Unveils International Small Claims Court… POLL: Entire Nation In Contempt Of Congress… Storm Leaves Millions Of Afghans With Electricity, Running Water… Tiger Woods Attends Black Thai Event… Preparations For 2004 Athens Olympics Now Complete… Would-Be Mugging Victim Pleads The Second… Lance Armstrong: “I didn’t win 7 Tour Du Frances by being afraid of needles”… Man Flashes Woman “Come Hither” Wallet”… Paul Krugman Wins Academy Award for Economics…Latest Footage From Syria Looks A Hell Of A lot Like Yesterday’s Footage From Syria… Dutch Language Revealed To Be Just German On Heineken… Woman At Crowded Bar Saved As Unread… Power In India Restored To Colonial America Levels… POLL: Entire Nation Pissed Off At Last Undecided Voter… Boxer Tests Positive For Modesty… Nation Braces For Next Act Of Bipartisanship… Vodka And Red Bull Reminds Bill Bellichick Of Offsetting Penalties… Feds Deem Reverse Mortgages Too Sketchy To Fail… Man Forced To Watch “Glee” For Sex… Facebook Friend Mistaken For Actual Friend… Kansas Declared State Of Normalcy… Welfare Mother Has 9 Children With 12 Different Men… Rising Number Of Wealthy Seen As A Negative Trend… Sincerity Feigned… Plastic Utensils On Airplanes Send Al Qaida Back To Square One… Afghan Space Program To Launch Small Satellite Into Adulterer… Term-Limits Platform Launches Candidate To Decades-Long Career In Congress… Check To IRS Admonishes Government Not To Spend It All In One Place… Career Politician Regales Colleagues With Frightening Tale Of Inadvertent Trip Through Working-Class Zip Code… Man Achieves Full Self-Awareness , Demands Money Back… Woman Loses Battle With Emotions… Latest Humiliation At Airport Security Taken In Stride… NASA: “Mars is just Curiosity’s test run for Afghanistan”… OLYMPICS: Out-Of-Contention Diver Throws In Bellyflop Just For Hell Of It… STUDY: Majority Of Foreign Aid Goes To Florida… Chicago Mayor: “The GOP is trying to suppress our city’s dead voters”… Liberal Golfer Demands Second Mulligan… German Develops Sixth Sense For Humor… Completely Baked College Student Has Half-Baked Idea… German Spacebar Shows Remarkably Little Wear And Tear… Ponzi Schemer Takes Offense At Comparison To Social Security… Tax Accountant Guides IRS Commissioner Through Labyrinthine Tax Code… Renewed Vows Tweaked… New Name Etched Onto Trophy Wife… Steroids Test Positive For Barry Bonds… Oprah Gives Lance Armstrong Performance-Enhancing Hug… Nation’s Men March On Capitol In “Take Back The Remote Control” Rally… Man Recites From Memory First Six Ingredients Of Pie… Contentious Couple Can’t Even Agree If Last Fight Was A Doozy… Father Can’t Even Find One Goddamned USB Cable In Entire House… Congress Passes Subsidy For Light Rail, Encyclopedia Britannica… Sophisticated Parents Take Time To Explain The Birds, Bees And Undecideds… Jalapeño Regretted… Discarded Climate Model Halfway Decent At Predicting American League East… Congress Deems Its Ego Too Big To Fail… Eye Contact With Bartender Used For All It;s Worth… Stripper’s Name Really Is “Candy”… Consultant Pads Resume With More Than 500 Fortune 500 Companies… Air Quotes Used During Exchange Of Wedding Vows… AA Meeting Stupidly Held During Happy Hour… Clerical Error Strips Neil Armstrong’s Status As First Man On Moon, Awards Lance Armstrong 3 More Tour Du France Victories… Best Of Intentions Survived… Woman Discovers Way To Parlay Long Legs Into Male Attention… Restroom Tip Guy Serious… Constitution Dubbed “Obstructionist”… REPORT: 57 Government Agencies Responsible For Identifying Duplicate Programs… “Women Watching” Euphemised To “People Watching”…Congress Quietly Passes Medicare Parts E – Z… Term “New-Fangled” Old-Fashioned… Mini-Bar Gets Man Macro-Drunk…Pregnant Man Knocked Up With New Publicity Stunt… Long Layover In Amsterdam Not Long Enough… Venice More Fun With Wife; Amsterdam Less So… Casino On 47-Year Hot Streak…In Search Of Free Lunch, Economist Settles For Early-Bird Special At Denny’s…  Agnostic Thanks God, “If Any”… Congress Awards Itself Cost-Of-Giving Increase… Gambling Addict Awards Casino Oversize, Cardboard Check…An Abundance Of Cowardice Characterized As An Abundance Of Caution… Occupier Only Trusts Tea Partier To Babysit Toddler… Lonely, Friendless Porn Star Nonetheless Can’t Believe His Incredible Luck… Return Of Duel To Senate Floor Raises Congress’ Approval Rating To 100%… New Entitlement Free, You Just Pay Separate Shipping And Handling… Union Guy Simultaneously Clocks Out, Starts Giving A Shit… Foodie Seduced By Sexie… Family Man Works Tirelessly To Provide For IRS… Dolphin Tattoo Not Yet Regretted… Philosophy Professor Believes In Tenure More Than Own Existence…  Professional Tax Preparers Thrilled With Complexity Of Tax Code… Works Hard To Stay On Welfare… German Strike Starts And Ends Right On Schedule… States Seek Giant Nicotine Patch To Cure Addiction To Tobacco Taxes… Americans Shrug As TSA Begins Delousing Travelers Before Flights…Traveler Agreeing To Terms Of Emergency Exit Row Actually Means It For Once… Haitian Traveler Bumped Up To Economy… Tourist Awed By Greece’s History, Architecture, Utter Disregard For Future Generations… Hungry Researcher Grazes On Placebos… Sex Mistaken For Foreplay Again… Nation’s Wives Go On Fault-Finding Mission… Early Voter Now Undecided… NASCAR Bans Helmet-To-Helmet Contact… American Dream Now Selling A Home… Budget Shortfalls Force States To Choose Between Boondoggles… Climate Scientist’s Wife Peer Reviewed… Kid Would Love A Non-Educational Toy For Once… Man Proposes To Stripper On One Knee, 6 Gin And Tonics… Reversible Suicide Vest Dominates Islamic Fashion Scene… Atheist Convinces Spouse Of God’s Existence… Man Finally Earns Sufficient Income to Lose “Hard-Working” Label… German Job Title Longer Than Elevator Speech… Gross Negligence Upgraded To Totally Disgusting Negligence… Old-School Guy Thinks Area Broad Would Make First-Rate Cigarette Girl… Performing Card Trick At Cocktail Party Considered “Nuclear Option”… Adopted Man Seeks Biological Weapons… Vicious Circle Bitch Slaps Love Triangle… Congress Replaces Debt Ceiling With Debt Floor… Congress Totally Pumped About Latest Ban… Something In Italy Happens On Time… Highly-Paid NFL Analyst Predicts SuperBowl Will Be “Physical”… Man Tears Phonebook In Half While Explaining What Phonebooks Were… Congress Has “Great Idea” On Improving Internet… PENTAGON: Second Decade Of Afghan War To Be “Even Better” Than First… Novice Comedian Not Sure If Jokes About Congress Will Sit Well With Audiences… BREAKING: Woman Completely Satisfied…Improvised Explosive Device Only Creative Thing Man Has Ever Done… Gun Store Not Robbed Again…  Good Judge Of Character Least Popular Guy In Room… Thing More Boring Than X Games… Debt-Ceiling Now Retractable… Al Jazeera’s Credibility Takes Hit With Al Gore Affiliation…  Mount Everest Climber Loses Prized Nose… Taliban Applaud’s Pentagon Decision To Open Combat Roles To Women… Gun Stores Declared Gun-Free Zones… Former Supporter Of “Bringing The War Home” Now Advocating Strict Gun Control Laws…  Earthquake Best Thing To Hit Afghanistan In 3,00 Years… Workers Of The World Uniting Behind Capitalism…Montreal Man Pursues Canadian Dream Of Seeing Doctor In U.S… Congressman Reminds Constituent He Did Not Say “At Ease”… Tax Code Allows Write-Off For Kissing Ring Of Federal Employee… U.S. Establishes Democracy In Afghanistan, Taliban Wins Governing Majority… Weight Lifted From Man’s Shoulders As Weight Is Lifted From Man’s Shoulders… Counter-Cultural Architecture Impossible To Live With, In… Workout Successfully Postponed 12 Years And Counting.. Workout Successfully Postponed 12 Years And Counting… Riyadh Salesman Throws In Matching Blazer With Purchase Of Suicide Vest… Man Uses Salt Progressively… BREAKING: Non-Existant Debt Ceiling Raised Again… Greek Tourism Board Can Do No Better Than “Where Austerity Comes To Life”… Gridlocked Electorate Mystified At Source Of Congress’ Gridlock… Population Growth Keeps Pace With Unemployment… NFL: Kansas City Chiefs Fired… HURRICANE SANDY: Floodwaters Force U.N. Diplomats Into 3-Star Restaurants… Senator Accused Of Shortchanging Colombian Hooker… Graduate Student Still At That Awkward Age… Busy Woman Grateful For Premature Ejaculation… Prostitute Extrapolates To Determine Size Of Man’s Feet… Palestinian Acquires Nuclear Weapon, Asks How To Throw It… Really Lazy Guy Has Snap On Pocket Square… EGYPT: Radical Muslims Clash With Super-Duper Radical Muslims… Fiancé A Little Too Thrilled With Way Prenup Turned Out… Roger Ebert Gives “The Innocence Of Muslims” Two Thumbs Off… NFL:  Replacement Referees Return To Congress… Magician Specializes In Card Tricks, Puffery… SPAIN: Austerity Protesters Grateful Police Lack Funding For Riot Gear… SCOTUS: Justice Thomas Quietly Recuses Self In “Hooters vs. The United States Of America”… U.S. Tax Code Reduced To Bible Length… U.N: Iran’s Nuclear Program Less Than Two Years From Being Destroyed By Israel… Half Of Louisiana Without Power, Other Half Never Had It In The First Place… Magician’s Aura Beats The Hell Out Of Juggler’s Aura… New Diversity Hire Brings More Diversity Than Bargained ForNASA: Neil Armstrong Died Believing He Had Landed In India… Democrats Propose Cutting Reality In Half By 2017… Afghan Woman Being Stoned To Death Angry AT Republican’s “War on women”… Alcoholic Careful Not To Eat On Empty Stomach… Homeless Woman Home Schools Children… Physicists Awed By Complexity Of U.S. Tax Code… U.K: Royal Family Ordered To Pay 1,000 Years Of Back Taxes… Footage Described As “Disturbing” More Than A Little Arousing… Seething Blood Feud Downgraded To Spat…  EURO CRISIS: Greece Agrees To Mow Germany’s Lawn… STUDY: Job-Training Subsidies Create Thousands Of Jobs For Job Trainers. CHINA: Pregnant Woman Diagnosed With Girl….. .. Las Vegas, Amsterdam To Become Sister Cities, Raise Hell This Weekend… Politician Takes Break From Messaging To Utter Single, Verifiable Fact… Area Crack Addict Assures You Money Lent Him Will Go Toward Paying Off The National Debt… Russia’s Support For Syria Sounds About Right… L.A. Defeats Miami To Win Championship, Detroit Fans Riot… Colorado Fire Shortage Ends Overnight… Area Moron Digs Beneath Great Wall Of China – Lengthwise… American “Running Of The Bulls” Followed Immediately By American “Arrival Of The Lawyers”…

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