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Shark Braves Cuban-Infested Waters… Pete Rose Inducted Into Gambling Hall Of Fame… Storm Leaves Millions Of Afghans With Electricity, Running Water… Alabama To Join The Dollar… Man Pleads Insanity In Marrying Stripper… Preparations For 2004 Athens Olympics Now Complete… Tiger Woods Attends Black Thai Event… Politician Takes Break From Messaging To Utter Single, Verifiable Fact… U.N. Downgrades Syrian Conflict To “Spat”… Fourth Draft Of Elevator Speech Runs Ten Minutes, 42 Seconds… Paul Krugman Wins Academy Award For Economics… POLL: Obama 46, Bush 52… Robinson Cano Finishes Triple, Double, Single, Homerun Shy Of Cycle… Syria Announces Austerity Measures… The Hague Unveils International Small Claims Court… Woman At Crowded Bar “Saved As Unread”… Kansas Declared State Of Normalcy… Al Qaida: “We’re Confident The Olympics Will Come Off With A Hitch”… Area Man Only Drinks A-socially… Drunken Treasury Prints Enough Dollars To Pay Off National Debt By “Friday, At The Latest”… POLL: Entire Nation In Contempt Of Congress… Hollywood Screenwriter Successfully Makes 7-Year Old Actor Sound Like Hollywood Screenwriter…