Joe Biden made an impromptu campaign stop in the pantry of his home on Wednesday, where the presumptive Democratic nominee addressed healthcare, the coronavirus crisis and trying to recall why he had entered the pantry in the first place.
The former Vice President, taking questions from reporters over Skype, again dismissed allegations made by his former staffer Tara Reade that he had digitally penetrated her against her will in 1993, stating “I don’t know the first thing about computers.” Biden then proceeded to accidentally mute the Skype app while repeating the words “Next question” with increasing stridency.
When asked if he had ruled out either Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams, Amy Klobuchar or Elizabeth Warren as a potential running mate, Biden responded that he had great confidence in them all, adding “I’d feel confident tapping any one of those gals.”
Finally escorted out of the pantry without procuring anything, the visibly tired candidate puttered around the house for ten minutes before touching down in the hotly-contested battleground of the den.
Joe Biden tracing an hourglass figure with his hands.
Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden vowed in an interview on Monday that his running mate will be a “real classy broad,” presumably eliminating Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris and especially Stacey Abrams from consideration.
“She’ll be smart as a whip, committed to improving Obamacare, and have a full set of curves,” added Biden, tracing an hourglass shape with his hands.
Highlighting his commitment to gender equality, Biden emphasized that under no circumstances would he tap a male running mate, no matter how well-qualified.
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Fairbanks,Alaska – Police officers broke up a large gathering of people outside an unemployment office on Monday. The assembled individuals, rendered jobless since the state instituted its social distancing policy, had formed an orderly line outside the office’s front door during the early morning hours in order to avoid a big crowd of people.
Fairbanks, just 4,300 miles from the heart of the U.S. outbreak in New York City, is located in central Alaska, a state which has banned gatherings of more than ten people per square mile. Joe Kleinsmith, who was laid off during government-mandated recession, was one of those detained by police. “I was surprised how safe I felt in jail,” said the newly-minted former construction worker, referring to the furloughing of violent criminals in order to make room for those exercising their right to earn a living wage.
Since the first-reported U.S. coronavirus case in early March, Alaska has reported more fatalities from from slipping on ice (10) than the novel coronavirus (9). As a result, state health officials have banned ice through August 15.
Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY): “I beg you: stop sending us ventilators.”
At today’s press briefing New York governor Andrew Cuomo issued a rousing call to his fellow Americans to stop sending his state ventilators: “Seriously, it’s getting out of hand. Let me be clear: stop sending New York ventilators already.”
The governor, who spoke flanked by his lieutenant governor, three state health officials and more than two-thousand just-arrived ventilators from Texas, at times showed flashes of anger at the rest of the country. “To reiterate,” he said, “the Empire State is up to its eyeballs in ventilators.”
At the conclusion of the briefing the governor became briefly lost attempting to negotiate his way to the exit through the maze of ventilators before turning around and shouting at his staffers “The other way! The other way!”
At press time, more than a dozen Airbus A380s were approaching the runway at Albany International Airport, each containing more than one-thousand ventilators from Washington state.
Former Indiana mayor and professional teacher’s pet Pete Buttigieg is running for president. Known for his soaring rhetoric, perfect curriculum vitae and being married to another dude, Mayor Pete’s carefully cultivated image makes Barack Obama’s look like Nick Nolte’s.
With his support base of fellow white, affluent, urban, overeducated tone police, Buttigieg seems incapable of being funny even by accident. All of this had me thinking: what if I ran my standup comedy through Mayor Pete’s empty-suit rhetoric machine? Judge for yourself.
Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg speaks at the Iowa State Fair, Tuesday, Aug. 13, 2019, in Des Moines, Iowa. (AP Photo/John Locher)
Don’t discount small tasks: they’re the building blocks of accomplishment.
Why do we take inordinate satisfaction from having made the bed? Yes, the room becomes tidier. And yes, we look forward to crawling into a bed that has been made. But there’s even more to it than that, namely: the knowledge that if you can accomplish something – and something mildly tedious at that – first thing out of bed then what you can achieve after a cup of coffee is essentially limitless.
If you commit to making the bed upon waking waking then imagine what what you can accomplish after a cup of coffee.
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A made bed, then, isn’t just nice to look at: it’s a good omen.
I feel like a superhero when making the bed. Not because super heroic to do so, but because I’d so much rather skip it and go directly to coffee. But performing this little task first provides just enough momentum for me to accomplish much more difficult things (like writing this blog post.)
Completing smallest tasks provides the tailwind for completing great ones.
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Genuine accomplishment, whether it’s exercising daily or ridding Europe of totalitarianism, is comprised of smaller (much smaller!) tasks.
For the record, I am by nature a scatterbrain for whom seeing a task through to its conclusion often requires summoning what seems to be a superhuman degree of concentration. Also, I’ve always been enamored of ease, which is a nice way of saying that I’m lazy.
That’s not to say I haven’t accomplished things which have required a certain degree of tenacity and patience. I can get into the flow like most others. I can even be singleminded in my focus, as when a neurological problem robbed me of my juggling act (I had been winner of the International Jugglers Association’s junior championship) and I eventually succeeded in accomplishing what many of my colleagues dream of doing: I became a successful stand-up comedian.
Whenever I lament the inordinate amount of focus required to accomplish things things that need to get done, I like to remind myself of what I’ve accomplished thus far as an entertainer. (Sometimes I indulge a fantasy in which I am formally charged with laziness, to which I respond “Then explain this!,” at which point I do 90-minutes of comedy.)
Finally, some self-awareness comes in handy. If you’re unable to concentrate, going in circles and starting over and over, don’t kick yourself over it. You know who never complains about an inability to focus? People sitting around watching tv all day. (My apologies if tv is no longer a thing.)
In such instances, set the task aside and work on something else, preferably something completely different. If you’re engaged in cerebral work, do something physical like tidying up (I love tidying up as – like a shaved head – it provides a physical reminder that that you’ve accomplished something.) There’s usually something else that needs to be done – do it. When you return to the original task you’ll often find that shift in gears has served you well.
So with New Years resolutions dancing in our heads, don’t overlook the importance of getting started. Even if it means taking a single step.
How do you commit to getting things done? Let me know in a comment below. – D.
Why do we daily forget what makes us happy – and unhappy?
Sometimes I like to imagine a little bell going off in my ear when I’m about to do something that will make me less happy. In my mind, it doesn’t happen before making momentous decisions such as weighing whether to quit a job or drop out of college: those decisions are usually accompanied by an extensive weighing of the pros and cons. Instead, this little bell I imagine goes off when our eyes or tastebuds are preoccupied with getting what they want: “Hey! A Cuervo golden margarita!” (bell rings.) “Wow! A meaningless, soon-to-be-forgotten, one-off affair with a beautiful woman trying to seduce me thousands of miles from home! (bell rings.)
In other words, the bell would be ringing when you least expect – and perhaps more often.
As the internet wisely points out, getting drunk is like borrowing happiness from tomorrow. Each day we must make decisions pertaining to everything from what we eat to whom we associate with – and these decisions and countless others impact our happiness.
And we often choose wrong. This is most clearly illustrated in children. Left to their own devices – literally – most kids would rather play video games or watch Netflix all day. Yet how do these children feel when they must invariably cease doing so? They’re miserable. My own kids provide numerous examples. Here’s one: taking baths. They hate it. The very prospect of a bath prompts them to adopt an intolerable whine. A funny thing happens, though, when they’re actually taking a bath: non-stop shrieks of laughter and joy.
It’s a kind of happiness amnesia.
Conversely, the things we find most satisfying are precisely those things which we tend to avoid: getting work done, eating healthfully, making new friends, visiting the sick and lonely.
So there’s a disconnect between what we want and what makes us happy. Importantly, merely being aware of this this disconnect isn’t sufficient to overcome it – it requires vigilance. Adults aren’t much better than children, as you can see from the countless examples of people who can’t get out of their own way when it comes to their weight, their work, their lives.
So the next time you must make a seemingly mundane decision, ask yourself which path would make you happiest, and with practice you may find you’ve develop your own little bell – and that it tends to go off when you least expect it.
