Company Stock Soars After CEO Tells Mob To Fuck Off

Stocks for the pharmaceutical giant Xancorp, Inc. (+8.4%) soared on Monday after CEO Hal Maffis told activists to “Fuck off” in response to repeated calls for his firm to make an official statement in support of Antifa and Black Lives Matter.

Over the weekend Maffis bypassed his firm’s staid Twitter feed to establish his own account on the social media platform, tweeting “Our company is committed to its mission of researching and developing life-saving pharmaceuticals. Any entity demanding that do anything else can suck it.” The tweet was pinned to the top of Maffis’ Twitter feed, which features an avatar of the smiling CEO extending his middle finger.

When Pulitzer-prize winning founder of the 1619 Project Nikole Hannah-Jones replied to Maffis’s tweet that “Xancorp’s silence is violence,” the CEO replied “Fuck you, nobody owns our silence,” followed by twenty-seven piles-of-shit icons.

Later, Maffis replied to a tweet by a Portland area Antifa member which called the CEO a fascist for failing to make a full-throated condemnation of capitalism by tweeting “Xancorp is committed to making huge profits by saving lives and by reinvesting those huge profits to save even more lives. If you don’t like it you can eat a bag of dicks, my friend.”

At press time Xancorp’s stock was up 184%.

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Masked Looter Obviously Mitt Romney

Washington D.C., – According to witnesses, a masked looter emerging from a Brooks Brothers store near the U.S. Capitol building is obviously Senator Mitt Romney (R-ish, Utah). Romney allegedly shattered the storefront window with an aluminum baseball bat and exited a few minutes later with a dark blue pinstriped suit, a handful of low-key red and blue ties and some extra-starched khakis for weekend wear.

When asked to how his violent and unlawful behavior squared with his religious convictions, Romney condemned President Trump’s divisive tone.

At press time Romney had re-entered the store for a handful of shoe horns before the dousing the premises with gasoline and torching it with a discarded cigarette.

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Law And Order Polling At All-time High

In a remarkable shift from just a week ago when law and order were deemed less popular than the coronavirus, pollsters across the country are now reporting that traditional concepts such as “lawfulness” have now surged in popularity across the country, particularly among minorities.

As sociologists struggled to explain what could be motivating a record number of Americans of all backgrounds to support peaceful protesters over violent mobs, firemen over arsonists and the police over looters, public officials at every level of government scrambled to signal to their constituents their support for the rule of law.

The rise in the popularity of lawfulness transcended all political, race, gender and socioeconomic lines and coincides with a period of joyful anarchy in American cities. The spike in the popularity for the enforcement of laws was most stark among owners and employees of minority-owned businesses, which coincidentally tend to proliferate in America’s urban areas.

Working-class African-Americans, who’ve been disproportionately affected by the recent spate of indoor fireworks, the unauthorized borrowing of unsold stereo equipment and a have demonstrated the starkest spike in support for the rule of law. Speaking in front of the smoldering ruins of the small grocery store that had been owned by his family for three generations, one Atlanta resident spoke for many when he said that these new norms actually hurt his community. “I always figured that if we lost the business I could go to work at Target” said the lifelong Georgian, apparently unaware that his local Target is also now a hole in the ground.

At press time the resident, who wished to remain anonymous because of his anti-crime stance, was wondering what impact the burning down of the local police station would have on his property values.