I’m all about two things: making the world a better place and learning how to count cards when playing blackjack for money against my mom. Today’s blog is about the former: 15 things I’m doing to make my world – and therefore the world – a better place.
1: Write the world’s first unauthorized autobiography, sue self.
2: Take 10 minutes each day to think of something other than broads and jazz bands.
3: When boarding plane, politely ask man in seat behind me if he would mind swapping seats so that his wife and I could sit together.
4: Write management at the Denver Zoo re: the proliferation of uncaged squirrels.
5: Install urinal in home bathroom, subtly remind wife who really calls the shots.
6: Write to Major League Baseball re: my ideas (bunt derby!)
7: Explain to mom that not knowing how to operate a fax machine doesn’t mean you’re out of touch – simply owning one does.
8: Write cease-and-desist letter to my Turkish barber.
9: End drug war, turn nation’s energy against people who crowd the feeder belt of the airport baggage carousel.
10: Build an airplane navigation system that isn’t compromised by someone playing “Angry Birds” during take-off.
11: Create list (for future reference) of all the reasons I am unfit to stand trial.
12: When listening to others, learn to overcome distractions like walls, floors, ceilings and all physical objects.
13: Talk with attorney re: possibility of witness tampering and point shaving charges against me being reduced to witness shaving.
14: Attend Burning Man, look for Dick Cheney.
15: Fig Newton bender!
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