NASA’s Juno Spacecraft Detects Hillary’s Cackle From Jupiter

All I asked for was a a federal minimum wage with a frickin' laser beam attached to its forehead.

“All I asked for was a college tuition plan with a frickin’ laser beam attached to its forehead.”

The investigation into Hillary Clinton’s email practices while Secretary of State has finally come to its foregone conclusion. Attorney General Loretta Lynch, as expected, has kept her promise to abide by the recommendation of Bill Clinton the FBI.

FBI Director James Comey, America’s only silk-tie-wearing cop, possesses the risible lack of self-awareness Americans have come to associate with “high-ranking government officials” (formerly public servants). Of his decision not to recommend prosecution he said “This is not to suggest that in similar circumstances a person who engaged in this activity would face no consequences. To the contrary, those individuals are often subject to security or administrative sanctions.”

Similar circumstances.

Clinton, for whom identity politics comes natural, has adeptly exploited Comey’s comments to burnish her credentials as the history-making candidate: the first President of the United States to be denied access to classified materials.

Reduced to plain English, of course, Comey’s message is that Clinton is protected from prosecution by a kind of establishment immunity. Put bluntly, she’s too-connected to indict. The subtext of Comey’s statement could hardly be clearer: while Clinton’s gross negligience does not constitute a criminal act, the prospect of Trump presidency does.

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Clinton, whose incredulity rivals Dr. Evil’s upon learning that a million dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to, had already issued her go-to, I-regret-the-error-but-it’s-time-to-move-on statement, designed to reassure voters that the awesome power and privileges of the presidency would somehow humble her into greater respect for the law.

Legally in the clear, Ms. Clinton can now focus all her attention on the campaign trail, where she is attempting to energize her base by calling for a ban on gun sales to those who appear on no-call lists.

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