Dear XXXXX XXXXXXXXX (name of cruise line redacted) – I want to personally apologize for the coffee machine being out of order. I was completely out of line and give you my word that I won’t again do… whatever it was that I did.

It wasn’t until I read the “Out Of Order” sign that I understood the gravity of my nebulous misdeed. As one of your loyal customers I have a special responsibility to ensure that your coffee machine – indeed, everything on the ship – is operating smoothly.

Speaking of which, I took the liberty of repairing the security cameras in the ceiling of the buffet. I am aware that historically one expects to find cruise ship security cameras only at the front desk, the casino and possibly the shower of my cabin. But in today’s day and age when large white males are routinely seen drinking gravy directly from the ladle, I’m sure you appreciate my proactive approach.

As long as I have your ear, I want to express my appreciation that my stateroom t.v. has both a front-of-the-ship and a back-of-the-ship channel. I even watch them at night. Personally, I find the back-of-the-ship channel a little too stimulating but I appreciate having both options.

As one who lives on “the passenger street”, there are certain trends I’ve noticed and I believe I possess certain insights that will enhance your product.

First, a suggestion for the photography department: I think pictures of ugly people should cost less money than the other photographs. Develop some kind of sliding-scale fee.

Also, I have noticed that there are two types of passengers onboard: those who understand that there will always be another elevator and those who act as if the elevator is the last helicopter leaving Vietnam. Given the extreme reluctance of passengers to use the stairs, I humbly suggest that you experiment with lacing the stairwells with bacon.

I’m sure you know that as a guest entertainer, I am guaranteed an outside cabin. However, the one I am situated in currently is particularly windy. Can this issue be resolved? (My cabin steward, on the other hand, is fantastic! He’s from India and each night when I return to my stateroom, right there in the middle of my pillow… is a dollop of chicken curry. At least I think it’s curry – then again I do sleep in the nude with a pillow between my legs. Anyway, it’s yummy).

One more thing: the foghorn is loud! I think even other ships can hear it. Please look into this.

Thank you for your time and again, my sincere apologies for the inconvenience.

– David Deeble