Americans Forced To Work Job Just To Put Food On Table

Long Beach, California: A vast array of local, state and federal unemployment benefits is not enough to prevent some Americans from seeking remunerative work.

A husband and father to three children, Dan Allen has been receiving a vast array of city, state and federal unemployment benefits since being furloughed from his job when the COVID-19 crisis struck last March. Nevertheless, Mr. Allen and millions of Americans just like him are learning the hard way that government largesse just isn’t enough. Shortly after the initial lockdown last spring, Allen decided to swallow his pride and return to work.

“I’m not proud of it. But my wife and I sat down and crunched the numbers and there was no way around it: I was going to have to begin earning again” he said.

Policymakers in Washington are struggling to deal with a problem which has been perplexing public officials since the New Deal: how to keep people from relying on work to support themselves?

True, some Americans do better than others on social welfare programs. Some, particularly in America’s most progressive cities and states, even seem to thrive on them. Others, however, have difficulty escaping an endless cycle of dependency on hard work, saving and investment. And it is these Americans whom policymakers are most concerned about.

“Our studies suggest that there’s a cultural component,” said Theodore M. Stanley, a research fellow at the Center For The Emerging Majority, a progressive think tank. “It’s breaking that cycle of work-paycheck-work-paycheck which gets passed down through generations which presents the greatest challenge to policymakers.” Mr. Stanley advocates, among other things, a gradual reduction in the retirement age.

While total dependency on government may be the ideal, some planners look to compromises made in countries such a Greece, where those who insist on working are given largely harmless positions in government.

Cuomo Receives Special Emmy For Nursing Home Cover Up

Having become the first politician receive the Emmy’s coveted Founders Award for his 111 press briefing in 2020, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will receive a second Emmy for his role as a tough-as-nails Democrat of immense probity who in reality was covering up the fatal consequences of his decision to send Covid-positive patients to recover in upstate nursing homes.

On March 2, 2020, Cuomo conducted a media briefing from Manhattan to delude New Yorkers and the public at large about the coronavirus outbreak that was just starting to be recognized as a massive public health threat. The 110 briefings that followed would be aired on CNN, MSNBC and other fake news outlets.

Cuomo’s lies, angry deflections and refusal to take any responsibility for policy mistakes have reinforced his image as the kind of governor New Yorkers deserve. Cuomo is especially popular in the state’s urban areas: on Thursday approximately 10,000 people gathered in Central Park chanting “Thank you sir may I have another” while supporters in Buffalo marched downtown carrying banners which read “Cuomo-Spitzer 2024.”

At press time the Pulitzer Prize Board was hastily creating a special award for Cuomo’s book American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the Covid-19 Pandemic.

Munchkin Coroner: Wicked Witch Died Of Covid

Munchkinland – According to Munchkinland coroner Dweebnic McPhallanx III, the hated Wicked Witch of the East died of complications related to COVID-19. At an impromptu press conference where the old bat’s corpse was prominently displayed, the 712-year old McPhallanx stated “As coroner, I must aver, having thoroughly examined her that she’s not only merely dead she’s really quite sincerely dead.”

As the county seat of the Land of Oz, Munchkinland officials reserved the right to ensure that the daft shrew from hell – who was frequently seen without a mask – was legally, morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.

The coroner’s announcement put to rest a widely-held conspiracy theory that the death of the vicious hag had to do with a frigging house landing on her dome.

Though Munchkindland was previously thought to be free of the virus, the coroner’s determination meant an automatic return to the lockdown policies imposed last March by the city’s absolutely adorable public health officials. Mayor Alperoo Vercingetorix IV added that in addition to a reimposition of mask requirements and social distancing mandates, Munchkin children would have to remain in their nests until further notice.

The old battle-ax’s funeral arrangements have not yet been made public, though the mayor assured the citizenry that “It’ll be a real rager.”

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Uber-Airbnb Merger Enables Users To Sleep In Stranger’s Car

The Federal Trade Commission has approved a merger between Airbnb and the ride-sharing app Uber, allowing users to sack out on the backseat of stranger’s Buick Lesabre.

According to Airbnb CEO Derrick LaSalle, the merger will represent to consumers the best of both worlds: a moderately clean backseat/bed to go along with the sleep-inducing whoosh of a car traveling an average of 35 miles an hour.

Uber executives denied reports of a third merger with Chuck E. Cheese.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Governor Calls On Californians To Limit Ventilator Use During Peak Hours

Owing to a statewide energy shortage, California governor Gavin Newsom has called on state residents to wear sweaters at home, ration their hot-water consumption and to limit ventilator use during peak hours.

Newsom, the governor California deserves, then boarded a direct flight to Maui to check out a restaurant his wife has been nagging him about.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave

Mayor Awards Portland Resident Key To What’s Left Of City

Mayor Ted Wheeler today awarded lifelong Portland resident Bob Underwood the key to what’s left of the city. As a mob of Antifa and BLM activists set fire to local businesses to protest capitalism and system racism, Underwood paid homage to the city of his birth, describing the City of Roses as “a great place to grow up until about 1970.”

Mayor Wheeler concluded the event by apologizing to the mob for any inconvenience created by the ceremony.

Enjoy this satire? Share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Nashville Bomber’s Remains Shipped To Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Jacksonville, Mobile, Charlotte

Having completed the first phase of the investigation into the Christmas morning bombing in downtown Nashville, authorities have shipped the remains of the suspect to Memphis, Little Rock, Orlando, Gatlinburg, Charlotte, Wilmington, Tupelo and both Minneapolis and St. Paul.

After matching the DNA found at the scene to that of Anthony Quinn Warner, the Nashville coroner concluded that the suspect had died of coronavirus.

Services for Mr. Warner will be held Saturday at the Church of Scientology and Celebrity Centre of Nashville (open casket).

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! And thank you. – Dave

Israel Vows To Follow The Scientists

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced on Tuesday that amidst a fury of international criticism over recent foreign policy decisions, Israel would continue to follow the scientists, especially of the Iranian variety.

In the aftermath of the assassination of Iranian scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, Netanyahu promised that Israel would continue to act as a “100% effective vaccine against a nuclear Tehran.”

Netanyahu also advised that if former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is looking for his index finger that went missing last night, he might want to check on the floor behind his bookshelf.

Amidst what he described as “an epidemic of religious totalitarianism,” Netanyahu reminded Israeli citizens to continue practicing good hygiene and wearing masks before cutting away to a livestream of a highly aroused Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, perusing various porn sites.

Enjoy this satire? Then share with a friend already! – Dave