Biden: Search For Classified Documents May Turn Up More Homes

President Biden conceded on Friday that the search for mishandled classified documents may turn up additional homes. After searches of his homes in both Wilmington and Rehoboth Beach, Delaware as well as his offices at the Penn Biden Center in Washington, Biden stated that he “can’t rule out the possibility” that more homes will be found.

When pressed by Fox News reporter Peter Doocy, Biden appeared to enter a fugue-like state, saying “Let’s see, there’s the mansion in Greenville I bought from the DuPonts – no joke… we called it The Station. Anyway, sources and methods pertaining to the Taliban might just turn up there… then we flipped The Station and bought the place in Wilmington, which has been searched top to bottom by my fixers, er, I mean officials from Justice Department… ditto my bachelor pad in Rehoboth…”

The President then appeared to nod off again before acknowledging that classified documents may in fact turn up at the five-bedroom property they rented in McClean, Virginia, where former first lady Jackie Kennedy grew up.

After 15-minute nap at the podium Biden appeared to regain his energy, stating “Then there’s my corner booth at Johnny’s Half Shell where between the cushions you might just find a list of CIA black op sites… best crab cakes in the country, Johnny’s… beneath my table at the Old Ebbitt Grill might just turn up some info about the Sandanistas that’ll blow your frickin’ mind… Jesus but that waitress at Old Ebbitts, she’s probably my age now… I also bet you two bits that in one of the toilet stalls at The Monocle you’ll find transcripts of phone conversations between Jimmy Carter and the Shah.”

At the time of this writing Biden was being escorted from the podium by a staffer in an Easter Bunny costume.

Serial Killer Butchers Woman’s Last Name

A woman’s last name was discovered butchered last week by a man believe to be a serial killer. The suspected murderer, who has yet to be identified, variously pronounced Amanda Jonigkeit’s (pronounced YAH-nik-kite) last name as “John-ig-keit,” “Yahn-ich-keet,” and “Johnson.”

Witnesses at the scene expressed exasperation at how anyone could so utterly mangle a woman’s last name in the prime of her life. “This was Amanda’s big night” said Jonigkeit’s friend and colleague Sara Tiller. “She was being introduced a Saleswoman Of The Year when the emcee and suspected serial killer left the podium having slaughtered Jonigkeit’s last name over the course of more than two minutes before finally settling on “Amanda.”

“It was horrific” said another witness who wished not to be identified lest the serial killer seek revenge by mutilating their last name. Local authorities are working with state officials and the FBI in order to identify the man who is also believed to have also bungled Barack Obama’s last name while discussing the Osama bin Laden assassination, referring to the former president as “Barack Osama” before quickly attempting to cover up his malapropism.

A person familiar with the investigation says that authorities believe the killer will continue to butcher last names until he is apprehended or starts doing his homework.