Stop Pining For A Clinton-Trump Dream Ticket

Change You Can Believe In, Okay?

Look, I get it: the American people face a difficult choice. Now that both parties’ primaries are over and the general election is finally upon us, it seems unfair that we must choose between Clinton or Trump.

But talk about a good problem to have!

Sure, it’d be nice to have a candidate on the ticket who embodied both the unbridled ambition of Clinton and the unmoored political philosophy of Trump – like Joseph Stalin, say. But instead of losing sleep over this decision, be grateful that God has blessed America with such a bountiful general election!

Don’t get me wrong: I’m conflicted just like everybody else. On the one hand, Hillary would be our first woman president. I think we can all agree that the last thing this country needs is another George Washington or Abraham Lincoln: BOR-ing! On the other hand, in Trump we have the kind of candidate who would protect America’s interests as only a true authoritarian can.

I understand why some are losing sleep lose sleep over this election. One minute I’m leaning Hillary: from the reset with Russia, the invasion of Libya and her handling of the difficult situation in Benghazi to the fact that she’s never been indicted, Hillary’s résumé speaks for itself. Talk about an ability to think inside the box! But hen I fluff my pillow and suddenly I’m leaning Trump, who understands that it’s the Constitution that’s obstructionist, not Republicans or Democrats as such.

Like many Americans, I was hoping that once the primaries were over that the choice before us would be a clear one rather than the current embarrassment of riches. The Republican primary showcased its remarkable depth of talented and young politicians, from Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Scott Walker to Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry and Chris Christie. And while the Democrats’ primary was a cozier affair, who couldn’t help but be impressed by candidates like Bernie Sanders, Martin O’Malley and something called Lincoln Chaffee.

But now we must make the most difficult choice of all: the jingoistic nativism of the unpredictable Trump or the corrupt cronyism of the all-too predictable Hillary. I hear you: 

 Well wish all you want but as Trump would say, it’s time to think white and get real. Maybe when Clinton and Trump debate one candidate will clearly stand out as less cover-your-eyes-awful than the other. But until that happens, I feel like the proverbial donkey who starves to death because it can’t decide which pile of hay to eat from because they both look so appetizing.

Return to daviDDeeble.com or see me perform the Flaming Marshmallow of Mystery on the Late Late Show

NASA’s Juno Spacecraft Detects Hillary’s Cackle From Jupiter

All I asked for was a a federal minimum wage with a frickin' laser beam attached to its forehead.

“All I asked for was a college tuition plan with a frickin’ laser beam attached to its forehead.”

The investigation into Hillary Clinton’s email practices while Secretary of State has finally come to its foregone conclusion. Attorney General Loretta Lynch, as expected, has kept her promise to abide by the recommendation of Bill Clinton the FBI.

FBI Director James Comey, America’s only silk-tie-wearing cop, possesses the risible lack of self-awareness Americans have come to associate with “high-ranking government officials” (formerly public servants). Of his decision not to recommend prosecution he said “This is not to suggest that in similar circumstances a person who engaged in this activity would face no consequences. To the contrary, those individuals are often subject to security or administrative sanctions.”

Similar circumstances.

Clinton, for whom identity politics comes natural, has adeptly exploited Comey’s comments to burnish her credentials as the history-making candidate: the first President of the United States to be denied access to classified materials.

Reduced to plain English, of course, Comey’s message is that Clinton is protected from prosecution by a kind of establishment immunity. Put bluntly, she’s too-connected to indict. The subtext of Comey’s statement could hardly be clearer: while Clinton’s gross negligience does not constitute a criminal act, the prospect of Trump presidency does.

.

Clinton, whose incredulity rivals Dr. Evil’s upon learning that a million dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to, had already issued her go-to, I-regret-the-error-but-it’s-time-to-move-on statement, designed to reassure voters that the awesome power and privileges of the presidency would somehow humble her into greater respect for the law.

Legally in the clear, Ms. Clinton can now focus all her attention on the campaign trail, where she is attempting to energize her base by calling for a ban on gun sales to those who appear on no-call lists.

Return to daviDDeeble.com or watch me perform the Flaming Marshmallow Balance of Mystery on the Late Late Show.