My Wife Has A Few Days Off

My wife has five days off. She kicked it off by backing the car over my Kindle. I had just put the baby into the car seat then waited outside the garage for her to pull out. When she did, there was my Kindle on the floor of the garage with cartoon-like tire tracks on it. My best guess is that I was holding it under my arm and with my winter coat on I forgot it was there. While haphazardly strapping the baby into the car seat, it probably fell silently (I keep it in a vinyl case) to the ground. In any event, she crushed a couple hundred books.

I couldn’t blame her and felt no impulse to do so. When I removed the Kindle I was kind of surprised to see that the casing was perfectly intact – like new. When I attempted to turn it on, of course, it displayed the Kindle equivalent of a severe neurological problem.

The baby was dressed like a dragon for Karnival this morning. It was a beautiful costume, thoughtfully modified by our friend Annalie who surgically sewed on a tail in such a place that he could sit in perfect comfort. When I think about the thoughtful little things adults do for children I tend to get weepy.

Several Germans asked me this morning if we have Karneval in the U.S. and I said that the closest thing we have is Mardi Gras but that it’s hardly a kid-friendly celebration. It’s not even family-friendly. Who am I kidding: I’d be reluctant to bring my wife to Marci Gras.

It was downright exhilarating to spend the day with Sabine, just she and I. After dropping off Lucas at our friend’s we drove to Marcus who is, I think it’s called, an “Osteopath”. At any rate, he gave Sabine and I treatments which feel great but whose effectiveness I have very little faith.

In his right had Lukey holds a green tube lovingly tacked to nylon ribbons to suggest a fire-breathing dragonSabine explains to me that my lack of faith is what prevents it from being effective. It’s a chicken-and-egg thing.

Leaving Marcus’ we headed directly to the Zentrale Cafe. The food was good and we talked about Sabine’s plans to work part-time next year and I expressed my wholehearted support. I felt grateful that a simple trip to a cafe with my wife felt like the adult equivalent of Christmas morning.

Then we went and bought me a new tie and pocket square and a couple of small toys for Lucas.

On the drive home I wrote a joke about my ignorance about wine which then became two jokes about my ignorance about wine and seemed to quickly develop into a full-fledged “bit” about my ignorance about wine. Note to husbands: do not expect your wife to share your enthusiasm about your new bit about your ignorance about wine.

Once home, Sabine and I watched “Julie and Julia”, Nora Ephron’s homage to Julia Child. For this, I figure Sabine now owes me big time. Actually I enjoyed it, at least until one of the two main characters is hauled into her boss’ office, is warned that the success of her new blog is compromising her work and told, in effect, to shape up. The scene concludes with her boss adding, gratuitously, “A Republican would have fired you”. Nora Ephron’s conceit is staggering…

Istanbul, Turkey


My critics say that performing my music while painted in a thick coat of silver is just a gimmick. Where do they get such crazy ideas? After all, if I was merely silver and played no music, would I get any notice? All right, maybe I would. But the truth is, the silver compliments the music, it’s not just there in order to make pedestrians pause long enough to toss a euro into my box (which is also silver). Such a crazy idea would never have occurred to me!

Random Thoughts

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum strikes me as the kind of guy whose idea of “kinky” is having sex with his wife in a hotel room.

Ethanol Subsidies

Setting food on fire while millions in the Third World go hungry? Subsidizing ethanol is an idea so bad that even Newt Gingrich supports it.

Newt Gingrich

The more I familiarize myself with this cat the more amazed I am that he’s only been married three times.

Elisabeth Taylor

Speaking of serial monogamists, a word about Elisabeth Taylor. Like most of us, Ms. Taylor didn’t have it easy: always a bride, never a bridesmaid. With 16 marriages between them, how is it that she and Larry King never managed to cross paths at the altar?

Jerry Sandusky

I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that the ideal number of “alternative narratives” your lawyer should put forth should number no more than one. Sandusky’s lawyers have put forth at least two, one plausible and one implausible.

The plausible one is that Sandusky is a grown man with the emotional maturity of a 10-year old and that showering with boys is, to their client, an act as unselfconscious as it is free of any sexual overtones (the Michael Jackson Defense). The second narrative has the distinction of being both implausible and a non-sequitir: that many of the boys who Sandusky mentored come from underprivileged backgrounds and as such they lack knowledge of basic hygiene techniques – showering with these boys afforded them an opportunity to learn these elusive skills from an old pro.

I’ve never known of anyone who had so many good reasons to shower with children. If convicted, I suspect that Sandusky will learn in prison the same “basic hygiene techniques” he taught his alleged victims.

Audiences On Crystal Cruises

Having made my debut on Crystal Cruises recently, I have to say that they are the first audiences I’ve encountered for whom building a rapport requires a zoning permit.

Disneyland

Each time I park at Disneyland I think “If I turn back now, I’m only out fifteen bucks.” Look for my book, “Disneyland on $275 A Day”, on Amazon or wherever books are sold.

Stupid Book Titles

I read a lot of self-help books. I’m currently reading a book about how to be more assertive – if that’s okay with you.

But the titles given to some of them by publishers are ridiculous. “The Complete Idiots Guide To Self-Esteem”? Please.

San Francisco

The Golden Gate Bridge Authority has a suicide hotline and a sign next to it stating that jumping from the Golden Gate is “always fatal”. If you want to discourage suicides, perhaps you should suggest that jumping from the bridge is NOT always fatal.

I recently visited San Francisco with my family and, well, let’s just say that things have changed since it’s hey day in the 60’s. Haight-Ashbury’s new slogan, for example, is “Don’t Trust Anyone Under 60”.

Chinatown

It doesn’t matter what city I’m in, I don’t recognize half the things on sale in Chinatown. Strolling past the shops with my young son, he would point at various objects and I didn’t know whether to cover his eyes or buy him one.

Oakland

Oakland can occupy my crotch.

Unintended Compliments

Unintended compliments are the ones I cherish most, like the guy I overheard recently at The Magic Castle who described me as “A low-class bar act.”

Window Shopping

I did some post-Christmas window shopping in Amsterdam last week. Of course in Amsterdam it’s called “soliciting a prostitute.”

Thanks for reading. If you’re interested in learning how I came up with my act, please visit my mom’s website, nevershakeababy.com…