Category Archives: Uncategorized

I Think I Have A Protruding Disc

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About seven years ago I was standing in a bar and noticed a deep, dull pain on the right side of my neck. I’ve had it ever since.

I was doing a considerable amount of running in those days and was accustomed to various aches and pains, at least from the waist down. Especially my hip and heel: it’s the damnedest thing but I’ve never had a knee problem.

Anyway, I did the smart thing and started stuffing toilet paper into my tennis shoes. My feet have very little arch and are completely “squishy”: when I stand the arch disappears entirely. My self-diagnosis was that my feet were protesting about the lay of the land and wanted new scenery and only toilet paper stuffed into my shoes could provide it.

After looking at my x-ray a doctor diagnosed me with what she called “military neck”: the vertebrae of my neck curve the wrong direction, like a soldier standing ramrod straight. I forget which direction your neck bones are supposed to curve but mine were definitely curved the wrong way, like a backward question mark at the beginning of an interrogative statement in Spanish. I suspect the reason is that the doctor and her assistant were attractive young women (this was in Boulder, Colorado) and as I stood there posing shirtless for the x-ray my male vanity kicked in. I remember it kicking in.

Among the the activities I avoid are push-ups. The day after doing push-ups (or later the same day) the pain becomes more pronounced. Sitting at the computer for extended periods also exacerbates the problem. I still do that, however. Priorities.

I just googled “disc, condition, back” and came upon this. The woman is holding the right side of her neck, which is the same side of as my neck pain, lending credibility to the site in my eyes. Stretching seems to provide temporary relief and also a sense of energy and relaxation. I rarely do it.

A friend of mine sometimes speaks to groups and asks people in the audience to raise their hand if they believe drinking 10 glasses of water each day would improve their health. Hands go up. Then he asks them to raise their hand if they actually drink 10 glasses of water each day. Hands go down.

 

Outsourcing Medical Care – Stockholm, Sweden

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If you think that the homeless and mentally ill are only qualified for tasks such as washing windshields or heavy-lifting, then you are hopelessly behind the times. I used to think the same way, but recently the jobs which I have been able to outsource to the homeless include the painting of the interior walls of our living room, an oil change for my car and, with less success, some crown work.

A case in point is this woman in Stockholm, Sweden. Although a homeless alcoholic, she is nonetheless fully qualified to perform simple therapeutic procedures such as massage, acupuncture and, in my case, a spinal tap.

Why waste time and money with “medical doctors” when you can get perfectly good care from a self-described “sick human being” who hasn’t slept indoors in a month? Why lose sleep over affordable health insurance when you can receive perfectly good care in exchange for a warm Grolsch and some smokes?

When you see a homeless person, you’re not looking at someone who has cut himself off from his family or made “poor choices” involving drugs and alcohol. You’re looking at a medical professional, a lawyer, a cobbler.

Now that I think of it, you might really be looking at a cobbler.

World Pole Dancing Competition – Las Vegas, Nevada

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Who are we kidding? They can call it the “World Pole Dancing Championships” all they want – I call it “Competitive Stripping”. Don’t you think it’s odd that in the 20 year history of this competition it has never been won by anyone not named Candi or Lexi?

Now that I think of it, maybe pole dancing is a sport. And maybe lap dances are appropriate at your parents’ 50th wedding anniversary.

They want me to believe that pasties are really just sporting equipment? This “competition” is nothing more than a showcase for bachelor party bookings. After some of the routines even the judges were making it rain, for crying out loud.

Now they want to put pole dancing in the Olympics. True, the first Olympians competed in the nude, but the first Olympians most certainly did not go on smoke breaks in plain view of arriving customers in clear violation company policy.

British Restaurant – Marmara, Turkey

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AP – Marmara, Turkey – The world’s first “British Restaurant” opened its’ doors today in this popular tourist destination. Normally considered a contradiction in terms, the proprietors believe there is market outside of England for black pudding, cucumber sandwiches and jellied eel.

“We decided to go with an Italian name to lure in people who otherwise would never dream of going out of their way to eat British food” said the owner, Mark Burroughs, adding that he had flirted with cutesy names such as “Cold Meets”, “Spotted Dicks” and, in a moment of quiet desperation, “Fish and All-Your-Chips-On-The-Table”.

Haggis, the traditional Scottish meal, is conspicuously absent from the menu. “Sheep intestines? Please, that’s disgusting” said Mr. Burroughs, who hopes to serve customers coagulated pig blood while calling it “pudding”.

Burroughs says that the key of his enterprise is to overcome the perception that other than a decent breakfast, the British have lost their culinary minds. As of press time it is unclear why the the British don’t simply extend the positive breakfast trend of warm, edible food and extend it to lunch and dinner.

In related news, France has announced the development of a new car that the world has not exactly clamored for.

We Reserve The Right: Cologne, Germany

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People often ask me how I like living in Germany. “It is,” I say with characteristic melodrama, “a mixed bag.” In terms of purchasing power, middle-class Germans would qualify in America as poor. Just one typical example: my wife and I are professionals and we have a combined income that is quite respectable and yet purchasing and paying for the operating costs of a clothing dryer remains a dream for us. In the meantime, we hang out clothes to dry.

But for every advantage of life in America, there seems to be a counterexample in Germany. Perhaps the biggest difference is the unbridled power of trial-lawyers in the U.S. America is the most litigious society in the history of the world. Individuals and businesses are forced to constantly look over their shoulder for the next lawsuit to come down the pike. How refreshing, then, to live much of each year in a place where trial lawyers know their place.

For example, in Germany it’s understood that you don’t lose your rights when you become a business owner. Take this guy, for example. I hear some say “He has a right to wear whatever he wants on a plane.” But what about U.S. Airways’ rights? True, U.S. Airways probably lacks the courage – much less the good PR sense – to turn him away. But commonsense suggests that individual rights – of which you’ll not find a bigger fan then me – are often in conflict. American culture essentially says “Screw the rights of the other 200 people on the plane – it’s the rights of this guy we’re going to honor.”

How refreshing, then, to see signs like this unabashedly displayed outside some German establishments. There is no gnashing of teeth, no rending of garments, no trial lawyer with flashing camera bulbs in tow. Just an acknowledgement that kooks don’t have a monopoly on rights.

The Coffee Machine Is Out Of Order? I’m Out Of Order!

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Dear XXXXX XXXXXXXXX (name of cruise line redacted) – I want to personally apologize for the coffee machine being out of order. I was completely out of line and give you my word that I won’t again do… whatever it was that I did.

It wasn’t until I read the “Out Of Order” sign that I understood the gravity of my nebulous misdeed. As one of your loyal customers I have a special responsibility to ensure that your coffee machine – indeed, everything on the ship – is operating smoothly.

Speaking of which, I took the liberty of repairing the security cameras in the ceiling of the buffet. I am aware that historically one expects to find cruise ship security cameras only at the front desk, the casino and possibly the shower of my cabin. But in today’s day and age when large white males are routinely seen drinking gravy directly from the ladle, I’m sure you appreciate my proactive approach.

As long as I have your ear, I want to express my appreciation that my stateroom t.v. has both a front-of-the-ship and a back-of-the-ship channel. I even watch them at night. Personally, I find the back-of-the-ship channel a little too stimulating but I appreciate having both options.

As one who lives on “the passenger street”, there are certain trends I’ve noticed and I believe I possess certain insights that will enhance your product.

First, a suggestion for the photography department: I think pictures of ugly people should cost less money than the other photographs. Develop some kind of sliding-scale fee.

Also, I have noticed that there are two types of passengers onboard: those who understand that there will always be another elevator and those who act as if the elevator is the last helicopter leaving Vietnam. Given the extreme reluctance of passengers to use the stairs, I humbly suggest that you experiment with lacing the stairwells with bacon.

I’m sure you know that as a guest entertainer, I am guaranteed an outside cabin. However, the one I am situated in currently is particularly windy. Can this issue be resolved? (My cabin steward, on the other hand, is fantastic! He’s from India and each night when I return to my stateroom, right there in the middle of my pillow… is a dollop of chicken curry. At least I think it’s curry – then again I do sleep in the nude with a pillow between my legs. Anyway, it’s yummy).

One more thing: the foghorn is loud! I think even other ships can hear it. Please look into this.

Thank you for your time and again, my sincere apologies for the inconvenience.

– David Deeble

Public Service Announcements – Mumbai, India

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Did you now that while under British rule Bombay was known as “The Queen’s Necklace”? If that’s the case, I can only say that the King clearly did NOT go to Jared.

Let’s face it: Bombay is a dump. Changing its name to “Mumbai” won’t change that. If cleanliness is really next to Godliness then Godliness isn’t in the same hemisphere as Bombay.

Don’t get me wrong – the people are wonderful. During my stay I was honored to be given the key to the city. It was a busted rat trap, but still…

I must admit it’s a bit odd, though, that even the anti-littering public service announcements look as if they were flushed down the toilet, removed from the sewer and then hastily re-pasted to the billboard. But this is impossible, as Bombay has no sewers.

Life’s riddles!

Helpful Buffet Signs – Celebrity Cruises

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Nothing says “We’re here to help” like buffet signs that give the names of entrèes in English, Spanish and French. This photo provides an excellent example. Did you know that the delicious Indian dish Aloo Bonda, for example, is called “Aloo Bonda” in Spanish? The French refer to it as “Aloo Bonda”. Here in the English-speaking world, of course, it’s just “Aloo Bonda.”

If it weren’t for the English translations, frankly, I’d be completely lost. How can I be expected to know that the hyper-sophisticated-sounding “Duck l’Orange” is nothing more than duck l’Orange? That “Chicken Kiev” is really just run-of-the-mill chicken Kiev? That the exotic-sounding “Pizza” is nothing more than commonplace pizza? It’s enough to make you feel continental!

Using this helpful system I was able to ascertain the meaning of such items as sushi, chicken parmesan and sauerkraut.