18 Reasons I’m Unfit To Stand Trial

Last year I published an unauthorized autobiography. Enraged at page after page of lies, I sued myself for libel, won, and settled with myself out of court for an undisclosed sum.

When my wife informed me that she’s always been attracted to the “strong, silent type” I happily informed her that I’ve always been attracted to “the silent type.”

I believe that I can remove creases from my suit by caressing them with the back of my hand.

I secretly relish that the word “lisp” has an “s” in it.

On the issue of waterboarding, I am situationalist, not an absolutist: I acknowledge that there are instances, however rare, in which it is indeed wrong.

When arguing with my German wife, I am often outwardly conciliatory but inside I become Winston Churchill: “We will fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the hills and we shall NEVER SURRENDER!”

I find the word “titillating” more than a little titillating.

I found losing my virginity to be more difficult than finding Dick Cheney at Burning Man.

I like to leave little notes in my kids’ school lunches. Nothing profound – just little remiders like “Lucas, remember that while you are in math class I will be at home getting quietly hammered.”

10 I recently attempted to plea-bargain with the Los Angeles District Attorney to have my witness tampering and point shaving charges reduced to what I called “witness shaving”.

11 Around my wife I tend to make things sound more manly than they really are. For example, I don’t “go fishing”, I go “hunting for fish”. Then I throw in an “Uga! Uga! Me go trout farm!”

12 Boarding a plane recently, I approached the man in the seat behind me and asked if he would mind swapping seats with me so that his wife and I could be together.

13 In a recent letter to the editor of the New York Times, I mistakenly stated that in Negro Leagues Baseball, home runs were referred to as “homie runs”. This is inaccurate and I regret the mistake.

14 Far from understanding that there will always be another elevator, I tend to react to the arrival of each one as if it’s the last helicopter leaving Vietnam.

15 After reading that rectal thermometers are the most accurate, my first thought was “A bonus!”

16 When I was a kid I couldn’t decide weather to be a cowboy or an Indian. One minute I’d want to be the Lone Ranger and the next, Indira Gandhi.

17 I am always tricked into opening junk mail with the misleading subject line “Small Pen Is”.

18 I am clinically insane.


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