Random Thoughts

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum strikes me as the kind of guy whose idea of “kinky” is having sex with his wife in a hotel room.

Ethanol Subsidies

Setting food on fire while millions in the Third World go hungry? Subsidizing ethanol is an idea so bad that even Newt Gingrich supports it.

Newt Gingrich

The more I familiarize myself with this cat the more amazed I am that he’s only been married three times.

Elisabeth Taylor

Speaking of serial monogamists, a word about Elisabeth Taylor. Like most of us, Ms. Taylor didn’t have it easy: always a bride, never a bridesmaid. With 16 marriages between them, how is it that she and Larry King never managed to cross paths at the altar?

Jerry Sandusky

I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that the ideal number of “alternative narratives” your lawyer should put forth should number no more than one. Sandusky’s lawyers have put forth at least two, one plausible and one implausible.

The plausible one is that Sandusky is a grown man with the emotional maturity of a 10-year old and that showering with boys is, to their client, an act as unselfconscious as it is free of any sexual overtones (the Michael Jackson Defense). The second narrative has the distinction of being both implausible and a non-sequitir: that many of the boys who Sandusky mentored come from underprivileged backgrounds and as such they lack knowledge of basic hygiene techniques – showering with these boys afforded them an opportunity to learn these elusive skills from an old pro.

I’ve never known of anyone who had so many good reasons to shower with children. If convicted, I suspect that Sandusky will learn in prison the same “basic hygiene techniques” he taught his alleged victims.

Audiences On Crystal Cruises

Having made my debut on Crystal Cruises recently, I have to say that they are the first audiences I’ve encountered for whom building a rapport requires a zoning permit.


Each time I park at Disneyland I think “If I turn back now, I’m only out fifteen bucks.” Look for my book, “Disneyland on $275 A Day”, on Amazon or wherever books are sold.

Stupid Book Titles

I read a lot of self-help books. I’m currently reading a book about how to be more assertive – if that’s okay with you.

But the titles given to some of them by publishers are ridiculous. “The Complete Idiots Guide To Self-Esteem”? Please.

San Francisco

The Golden Gate Bridge Authority has a suicide hotline and a sign next to it stating that jumping from the Golden Gate is “always fatal”. If you want to discourage suicides, perhaps you should suggest that jumping from the bridge is NOT always fatal.

I recently visited San Francisco with my family and, well, let’s just say that things have changed since it’s hey day in the 60’s. Haight-Ashbury’s new slogan, for example, is “Don’t Trust Anyone Under 60”.


It doesn’t matter what city I’m in, I don’t recognize half the things on sale in Chinatown. Strolling past the shops with my young son, he would point at various objects and I didn’t know whether to cover his eyes or buy him one.


Oakland can occupy my crotch.

Unintended Compliments

Unintended compliments are the ones I cherish most, like the guy I overheard recently at The Magic Castle who described me as “A low-class bar act.”

Window Shopping

I did some post-Christmas window shopping in Amsterdam last week. Of course in Amsterdam it’s called “soliciting a prostitute.”

Thanks for reading. If you’re interested in learning how I came up with my act, please visit my mom’s website, nevershakeababy.com…