I’m a traditionalist who opposes ending the monarchy in England. I do, however, support phasing it out.

Let’s start with weekends. When was the last time any country, much less England, was in need of a monarch on a weekend? Weekdays are when the real action happens – visiting heads of state, decrees to sign, Wimbledon… you get the idea.

British readers may wonder in what position am I, an American, to take a position against British monarchy? (i.e., “Who the hell are you?” or “Where do you get off?”) Firstly, I have my own blog. Who do you like them gravitas! Do you think they hands these blog deals out to just anybody? It’s not as if you can start one for free and publish it on your own little corner of the internet. Geeze.

Secondly, I have very strong opinions about the British monarchy. On numerous occasions  I have shouted down those who disagree with me and been known to  throw rhetorical firebombs in order to make my point. And in this age of very loud punditry, that’s all the credentials you need.

I am not a extremist on this issue. There can be little doubt that England still requires a king or queen for diplomatic and ceremonial purposes. But when it comes to popping down to the butcher to procure some Black Forrest ham or 6 ounces of prosciutto? Please – Her Majesty should have to take a number just like anybody else. Under the system I propose, rules against favoritism, such as cutting off a little more meat for Her Highness while charging only for the requested quantity, would be strictly enforced.

Royal protocol would remain in place for reasons of good taste: you can’t have the Queen being greeted as if she were just another earthly person possessing the usual assortment of rights and responsibilities: she’s the Queen for crying out loud! What – you’re going to countenance Lance Armstrong just extending his hand without first averting his gaze and stuff? The British people wouldn’t tolerate it, and they’d be right not to.

Taxing the royal family is a welcome development but in fairness – and especially in light of current budget deficits – the government should really levy, in my estimation, 800 years of back taxes. If her HIghness cannot afford this she should put up Windsor Castle and that thing she receivd from the King of Cambodia as collateral.