Big, Empty and Quiet: 7 Ways to Foster Energy in an Otherwise Dead Room

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Sometimes by solving one problem you create another.

This came to mind recently when I performed on a cruise line featuring something called “freestyle cruising”. Long gone are the bad old days when passengers had two choices: dinner followed by a show or a show followed by dinner. Today, passengers make reservations to eat whenever they like – and at an increasing variety of onboard restaurants. In addition to dinner reservations, passengers have a long list of other by-appointment activities to participate in such as rock climbing or ice skating. This means more options for passengers and more onboard revenue for the cruise line. But here’s the rub: as onboard options proliferate, some passengers now complain about a lack of opportunity to take in each night’s headline entertainment.

One cruise line’s solution was to adopt what they call their “3/35” format: instead of the industry standard of two nightly, 45-50 minute performances, passengers now have three seatings to choose from, with each show lasting only 35 minutes.

Having protected itself from passenger complaints about lack of opportunity to get good seats at the shows, the cruise line now receives a new complaint: the extraordinarily low-key atmosphere that prevails these sparsely-attended, third-seating performances. This problem would be less acute in a small venue, but with showrooms at sea increasingly the size of small countries, one of the three shows invariably feels more like a dress rehearsal: an ideal atmosphere for teenagers in the audience to make out in semi-privacy but hardly the high energy environment one strives for in a live show. The message sent is less “It’s showtime!” than “Here’s your third-seating performance now leave us alone, you ding bats.”

Having come the long way around the barn, here are eight simple practices to avoid the “dead room” effect.

1: Provide incentives for people to sit near the stage. In the example above, the cruise line could place on each front-row seat a free bingo card or raffle ticket or one of the  trinkets (coffee mugs, key chains) for which passengers have shown themselves willing to knock over old ladies and infants.

2: Close off the balcony. But what if someone insists on watching from the balcony? Then make something up. Tell them the balcony seats have just been shampooed. That it’s just been fumigated and poisonous for a while. Or better yet, be straightforward and tell them the truth: that it’s your policy to close the balcony so long as there are seats available below.

3: Arrange for ushers to politely encourage people to sit near the front and you’ll find that others will soon follow suit without any prompting. Remember that people are far more inclined to sit near the front if they aren’t the first to do so.

4: Tape-off the back rows or, better yet, splurge for some seat covers  (“Reserved”!) to funnel people toward the sweet spot: front and center.

5: Play some pre-show music already! It can be high-energy like The Beatles’ cover of “Twist and Shout!” or classic ballads like Ella Fitzgerald’s version of “Bewitched”. The main that is that it isn’t intrusive and adds to the atmosphere and anticipation. Burning 45-minutes of music onto a disc and playing it on a loop costs pennies and goes a long way to creating the atmosphere you want. What are you waiting for?

6: Three words: balloons, beach balls. I’ve performed for audiences which got so much pre-show enjoyment from watching someone send corkscrew-shaped balloons rocketing toward the ceiling or by batting around a beach ball that I got the impression they would have been content to do so the rest of the evening. If anything, the commencement of the show proper can actually be a letdown (not advised if where beverages are available).

7: For the love of God, have the courtesy to give an on-stage introduction. Asking an entertainer “Would you like an on-stage introduction?” is another way of saying “Are you going to insist I put on some pants?” Don’t fax it in, do your job. If you know a great, short joke that you can tell forwards and backwards, by all means, tell it. If you can engage the audience in anyway, by all means do so. Anything you can do to remind the audience that they are part of the show rather than idle observers is a step in the right direction.

These are just some of the ways to create some energy in an otherwise dead room. If you have thoughts on the subject, leave a comment below.

Return to or see how a head injury forced me to reinvent myself.

Random Thoughts Monday: April 15, 2013

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My wife is on an errand, the boy is in kindergarten and the baby is asleep at my feet. Time to collect my thoughts.

I’m in the doghouse again. Actually, I welcome it because the wifi is much better. It’s almost as good as the silent treatment. What prompted it? A variation of my usual routine: I told Sabine I was going to pop down to the Edeka for some parmesan and instead I took train to Amsterdam. She’ll get over it. She always does.

Judging from the flak I get from her, the worst mistake I’ve made in our marriage is to use “air quotes” during the exchange of wedding vows. She is the most responsible person I know. We’re complimentary that way.

The other day she suggested that when I look at other women that I’m mentally comparing her to them. I tell her this is nonsense and it’s true: when I look at other women she’s the last thing on my mind. I think it’s going to be a long marriage. She’s never satisfied, especially when it comes to the baby. One minute I’m blowing cat litter off the pacifier and the next Sabine expects me to rinse it under running water. Well, no one forced me to get married.

Maybe she’s still upset about the SuperBowl episode. Our daughter Lucy was born during the SuperBowl so naturally I had to miss it. The doctors said she pulled through like a real champ.

It occurred to me the other day that I’m drinking too much gin but I can’t help but notice that Sabine is becoming quite the wine snob: she can tell a red from a white and stuff.

Now that I think of it, maybe she’s just jealous about my old girlfriend, even though I never think about her and haven’t for years. She was a sexy woman but also kind of dopey. In other words, she had the whole package.

It wasn’t that long ago during those happy early days when Sabine thought I could do no wrong. Now, of course, she characterizes my aversion to getting kicked in the nuts by our son as my “pet peeve”.

Despite these none-too-cheerful thoughts, there is a lot to rejoice over. I’ll never forget the pride I felt when I first put on that wedding ring and thought “Well, I’m someone else’s problem now”.

The usual problems with the neighbors continue. The woman next door finally succeeded in having the massive oak tree between our homes removed. Now she’s complaining that I don’t wear clothes in my own kitchen. Women are never satisfied.

Life is flying by. I’m not grateful enough and take too much for granted. No matter how successful you are there’s always someone wealthier, better looking and having more sex while fully immersed in gravy (delete before publishing on blog).

I think back to the days when I drank heavily. I really did think of it as just “livin’ the dream”. I now realize it was that dream where you are the only one naked at the party. Still, it was a good run.

I need to reach out more, renew my friendships. It occurred to me that if any one of my recovering alcoholic friends feel that they’re close to falling off the wagon that I should urge them to contact me immediately because I’m learning that this boozing-alone thing isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but there’s something inexpressibly satisfying in seeing someone work hard toward a goal, be persistent and fail anyway. Why is it that the only pleasure I get in the success of others is when I thwart it at every turn? I hate myself, although I like my haircut.

Reading a book about WWII. In the photo section was a picture of Germans climbing over the rubble of the treasury building in Berlin in order to pay their taxes. Is there anything more German than climbing over rubble in order to pay your taxes? To say Germans have a herd-like mentality is to overstate the consensus among cattle.

The German language continues to elude me. By the time I figure out how to say what I want to say I’ve forgotten what it is in English. But I have a grudging respect for any language that has one word for “spontaneity” and 5 words for “the”.

My politics continue to evolve. I used to be one of those who believed that the sole role of government is to defend the shores, deliver the mail. It’s apparent to me now that this is simply asking too much.

All this borrowing the government is doing is nothing more than a deferred tax increase. Maybe Congress’ slogan should be “We tax your children and pass the savings on to you.” I should write them more often.

I had to contact Bank Of America again. In order to protect me against potential fraud, they put a hold on my card again. I called them and asked the friendly representative not to put a hold on my card each time the words “inflatable adult toy” appear on my statement.

I found a true-blue, authentic barber today. He passed my test: I asked him if he has a website and he answered with “What’s a website?” I wonder if he’s a Playboy or a Hustler man?

At this point in my life books make me sleepy. I fell asleep this afternoon reading the WWII book and when I woke up it was over.

English muffins again for breakfast. They’re so delicious I’m beginning to wonder how they can possibly be English.

I’m not sure what to make of my review in the New York Times: “He combines comedy and juggling in such a way that suggests he should stick with one or the other.” Ever the optimist, I suggested to my agent that we put that on the book flap. “Maybe not” he said.

Yesterday, in an attempt to assuage my boredom, I tried to imagine a U.S. president not named Clinton with an inflatable woman. And so it goes…

People Who Say “Back In The Day” Can Bite Me









First of all, the expression is “Back in my day” not “Back in the day”. I hope this doesn’t shock you but your day was not the day, it was simply your day, you daft, narcissistic prat. And another thing: you’re 30 years old, for crying out loud. When I was a kid – back in the day – this expression was reserved for old-timers who had played trombone in the army band during The Great War (that’s World War I to you), not thirty-something, energy-drink swilling posers. It was for men who bet on horses, travelled on coal trains and whose idea of casual wear was army-beige khakis, not factory-shredded jeans and an Ed Hardy tank top.


Having Watched “Les Misérable” I’ve Concluded My Wife Owes Me Much More Than Sex

Screen Shot 2013-04-03 at 5.26.13 PMSome films grow on you, and Les Misérable is no exception: with each passing minute I hated it more and more. You know how at an open mic the worst comics seem to have the most material? That’s how I felt watching this movie.

When I agreed to accompany my wife to see it at our local theater, I figured it to be a straightforward exchange: she watches the movie with me, I have sex with her. Little did I know that the winner of the Academy Award for “Longest Picture” would make me feel entitled to much, much more. 

Leave it to “Les Mis” (even the title must be shortened, as if excessive length is the point of the film) to make you root against the underdog. At about halfway through the movie I thought that surely they must begin wrapping things up. A gentleman knows when to leave the room, right? Anyway, 45 minutes later I’m beginning to root for France’s aristocracy to acquire weapons of mass destruction – and to use them.

The problem with “Les Mis”, say its critics, is that it has “one good song”. This is giving it far more credit than it deserves. The “Master Of The House” melody rears its head throughout the movie. Indeed, several of the songs seem to appear multiple times, as if despite the rough-draft feel of the music they still felt compelled to recycle most of them. If each song appeared only once it might run the length of a normal feature film instead of an incredibly self-indulgent two-hours and thirty-eight minutes

Like the lines at Disneyland, the story is structured to give the impression that it is, at all times, almost over. Alas, you enter the dome of Space Mountain in order to turn that “last corner”, or learn that the Anne Hathaway character finally dies, only to learn that you’re in for the most self-indulgent two hours and thirty seven minutes of your life.

At least at Disneyland you know you’re being taken for a ride.


How I Grew My YouTube Following

When I’m in Turkey there’s a barber I like to pop into in the coastal town of Kusadasi. He gives me what, in Turkey, I call “the standard”: haircut, shave, arm, hand, neck, ear, temple massage and wraps it all up my setting fire to stray clippings on my face and neck with an open flame.

This time, however, my wife videotaped the affair – I use the word advisedly – and as you can see he couldn’t resist giving me a little extra business. Anyway, I posted it to YouTube and it began spreading quite quickly – several thousand views right off the bat – and as of this writing is at around 40,000 views.

This is not the only humorous clip on my YouTube channel – I am a comedian after all – but the speed with which this clip spread was an order of magnitude faster than any of my others. I checked out Youtube’s handy analytics and quickly discovered the source of its popularity: someone had posted it to a fetish website catering to – I’m going out on a limb here – men who enjoy other men being tickled.

So my advice for success on YouTube is, unlike my Turkish barber, is to forget “playing to the balcony” and seek out a niche audience – kids obsessed with Star Wars, housewives aching for cute cat videos, men who crave to see other men being tickled with varying degrees of permission – and let them spread the good word for you.

Mass Marketing Is Suicide

Do you know anyone who can’t name a single song by one of the most-successful show-business acts of all time, The Rolling Stones? What about a song Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber?

If these performers don’t appeal to everybody – or even a majority – it’s not because they don’t market to everybody, it’s because no one appeals to everybody. Your Frank Sinatra fan is generally not your Elvis fan who is not generally your Led Zeppelin fan. Take a moment and imagine any of the above performers marketing themselves to the masses instead of a niche (young English blues fans from the ’60’s, gay male Manhattanites or pre- and early-teen girls, respectively). To the extent that these entities appeal to the masses is not because they were marketed to the masses but because they marketed themselves to a very small group of people who were pre-disposed and who couldn’t help themselves from spreading news of the object of their fanaticism.

Service providers like to tell you about their successes, giving the (deliberate) impression that that’s all they know: success. I hope this doesn’t shock you, but service providers are just like everyone else – they experience failure on average as much as everybody else (even more often, if they’re working hard). Once I received an email from one of my agents informing me that an upcoming two-week contract was being cancelled because of my performance for the same “international” demographic was not particularly well received. You and I know that “international audiences” really means two things: non-English speaking and lowest-common denominator appeal. Was I upset? You bet – if only because I was counting on the income. Did I (and, by extension, my agent) panic? Of course not: we learned something more valuable than the lost income: that my audience is Anglo. If you learned that your audiences was freckled, might you use this information and focus more marketing in Ireland?

Concluding from this experience that I’m probably not the best choice for international audiences is only half the lesson. In fact, it’s less than half the lesson. The main point is who DO I appeal to : the English-speaking world. Call me crazy, but somehow I think this is a sufficient fraction of the world’s population off whom one can earn a living. Indeed, more successful entrepreneurs have done very well marketing to a tiny fraction of that world. The next time a “mostly-Latin” or “international audience” or an “America’s Got Talent!” demographic (pre-teen girls) is in play I – and others – know that I’m not your guy. But that’s like knowing the earth is “mostly flat” – when the earth is, in fact, mostly round. When opportunities arise for an “entirely-English speaking” audience arises (one can whittle it down much, much narrower), who do you think they’ll go with: me or a unicyclist?

This is no put-down of “international performers” or anyone else who resonates with markets other than my own. That there are two sides of the coin is precisely the point. All things being equal, I would prefer to appeal more to the English-speaking world than the non-English speaking world, just as I would rather appeal to internet users than non-internet users; to loudmouths rather than to wallflowers; to early-adopters rather than the mass of wait-and-sees.

It’s tempting and perfectly understandable to market to the masses, but it is a waste of time and money. You’ll get a far better return on your investment going after those who are already receptive to what you have to offer.


When You Run Over A Deer In Germany You’re Supposed To Call A Hunter

A while ago, in Germany, I was driving home late at night as my wife slept in the passenger seat. Quick as lightning, the head of a deer pierced the beam of the driver’s side headlight followed by a weirdly satisfying “thump”. I’m not sure what woke my wife – the thump or my involuntary gasp – but I immediately told her what was obvious to me: that I had just hit a deer. My wife, characteristically, didn’t believe me. “But I saw it” I protested. “I hit it right in the head.” It was after midnight, we were tired, our young son was sleeping in the backseat and we were on the autobahn. These factors, along with my wife’s skepticism about what had occurred, contributed to our decision to continue driving through the night. Also, I didn’t know any better.

When we pulled into our driveway, I turned off the engine instead of making the white-knuckle, thread-the-needle maneuver that is parking your car in a middle-class German garage. I stepped out of the car, approached the driver’s-side headlight and there, sure enough, was a dent about the size of a basketball. It was hard to tell what amazed my wife more: that I had hit a deer or that I was correct in stating that I had hit a deer. Anyway, I pulled into the garage, we carried the kid and our things upstairs and decided we would deal with the details tomorrow.

My wife called her insurance company who sent out an agent. Having inspected our car he decided, to our surprise, that there was no evidence that we had hit a deer: no blood, no fur, etc. My wife took this personally, suggesting that it meant that the insurance company viewed her claim exactly as she had initially viewed mine: as “less than factual”.

Another contributing factor, she explained, was our failure to telephone, immediately after impact, either the correct government agency or an area hunter. With no confirmation that I had killed the deer outright, an injured deer can go a little nuts and pose a danger to others. This  fascinated me no end. How does that work, exactly, at two in the morning?

“Hi,  my name is David Deeble. I’m sorry to wake you but I just hit a deer out here on the A2. Anyway, it all happened so fast that I can’t be sure if I killed it outright and I thought maybe you could come out here and make sure the job gets finished. Can you help me out?”


Four Ways To Botch An Entertainer’s Introduction

The best introduction I ever received was at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. The comedian who gave it was a big fan of my work and his enthusiasm was hilariously over-the-top yet unmistakably authentic: “Your next performer is unbelievable! How can I describe what he does? There’s no word for it! You just have to see it! You’ve never seen anything like it! I just have to bring him out so you can see for yourself! Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to David Deeble!”

He had the audience laughing during the introduction in such a way that suggested they were thinking one thing: I have to see who he’s talking about.

While no entertainer should expect to be introduced each time with such unbridled enthusiasm, this anecdote does provide some clues ensure that you don’t inadvertently place the evening’s entertainment behind the 8 ball before it’s even begun.

Below are a two of the best ways for emcees, event planners and entertainers to make an entertainer’s introduction an energy-depleting momentum-killer.



Simple, straightforward introductions are for celebrities whose accomplishments are well-known, not for you! I like to think of my introduction as indistinguishable from my resumé: “Tell them I’ve performed on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Last Comic Standing and America’s Got Talent – in that order. Then say I appear regularly at the Magic Castle in Hollywood – don’t forget the in Hollywood part – and that I’ve opened up for Ray Romano and Kevin James. Then tell them I specialize in performing at private functions and corporate events. Then tell them my website – – that’s two d’s, understand? – and conclude with ‘Please welcome the comedy of David Deeble!’ But with feeling, okay?”



This is a corollary of the above. Sure, memorizing a lengthy, in-depth bio and relating it to the audience with unmistakeable zeal is difficult, but don’t forget your place. After all, you’re dealing with an entertainer and showing deference should be your highest priority. Whatever you do, suppress the courage and commonsense to say “I want to give you the best introduction possible. I suggest we shorten this introduction and make up for the missing credits by bringing you onstage with lots of energy and enthusiasm”.


By all means, take the wind out of the show’s sails! Performers tend to rise to the occasion when their name is followed by applause, so why not begin by stating the name of the entertainer followed seamlessly by the rest of the introduction? Better yet, conclude the introduction by omitting the performer’s name and let the introduction just kind of trail off. Here’s how you would put me behind the 8 ball: “David Deeble is a comedy juggler. Let’s give him nice welcome.


If you are a personal fan the work of the entertainer you are introducing, why on earth would you want to let the audience in on it? All it does is give the entertainer one of the best imprimaturs there is: a testimonial. Your introduction should say, in effect: “I don’t know who this gal is and the fact that I’m introducing her does not imply an endorsement on my part. I have been tasked with introducing her to you and that is all. Anyway, here she is.”

An introduction can set the stage for a fantastic evening of entertainment or leave the audience wondering if now would be a good time to sneak in a smoke. If you have any thoughts on what makes or breaks an entertainer’s introduction, leave your comments below.


How To Ruin Your Event


Screen Shot 2013-02-18 at 11.21.34 AMThere’s lots of ways to ruin an event. Let’s talk about ruining the entertainment portion, especially if you have gone with comedy.

With any type of live entertainment there is a relationship between the audience and the performer. And nowhere is this more pronounced than with comedy entertainment which, when performed at the highest level, is much more like a dialogue than a monologue. The audience might be able to chat amongst themselves and still enjoy a rock band, but not so with, say stand-up: to be successful the craft requires an audience that is totally engaged.

A professional, experienced and talented comedian knows when an audience isn’t with her and will prattle, prod and engage an audience until she knows they are focused and only then will he get to the heart of her act and the business of making them laugh.

But how, you may ask, can I make a comedy entertainer’s job as difficult as possible?

Let’s say you’re a professional event planner or someone who is otherwise responsible for planning an event for your company. You’ve done your homework and found an comedian who is accomplished, a pleasure to work with and perfectly suits your needs. Now the question is, what can you do to thwart this his remarkable talents and years of experience and make everyone in attendance uncomfortable at the same time?

Here are a few simple things you can do to ensure that the delicate, essential bond between an audience and a comedian is tenuous at best or, better yet, never established in the first place.

Schedule The Entertainer Immediately After A Break

The room is pumped. The most-popular, hardest-working guy or gal in the company has just received his well-deserved award from the CEO and the energy in the room is at its peak. Whatever you do, don’t harness the audience’s energy by immediately introducing to the stage the entertainer you’ve budgeted a sizable sum to procure. Instead, have the CEO, emcee or whoever has the floor to announce a break “of about 15 minutes”. That should be enough time for the room to deflate, the energy vanish and allow the stragglers to head back into the room and settle into their seats while chatting with their fellow fellow employees about golf plans for the following weekend.

Seat The Audience At Round Banquet Tables

For the love of God, you’re not going to ensure that all the seats in the audience are facing the stage, are you? No, no, no. When an entertainer walks on stage you want roughly half the audience facing the back of the room. That way more people will be able to tell when the line for the open bar is down to only a few people. You might also consider leaving the doors in the back of the room open, allowing those seated with their backs to the stage to “people watch” the smokers, stragglers and maybe even catch a glimpse of that woman from the coat check with the ineffable aura about her. Ideally, you want these people who face the back of the room to be completely unaware of what is going on on the stage. Think muzak.

Serve Food During The Show

When a world-class comedy entertainer and a mediocre salad go head to head, the salad wins every time. Anything requiring utensils is best – after all, people are capable of enjoying a comedian with finger food like popcorn just as they are capable of enjoying a movie. Of course, it never hurts to have hard-working servers bustling from table to table pouring water, grinding pepper and sending that steak back to the kitchen until it’s done right.

Arrange For A Large, Empty Space Between The Stage And The Front Row

Nothing is more conducive to an attentive, engaged audience like seating them as close to the stage as possible. There’s an intimacy to this seating arrangement that mimics the openness and rapport of an private conversation. This is why you want a large empty space surrounding the stage. Many venues place a small stage against the wall of a large banquet hall and surround it with a large, empty dance floor: this is the ideal way to ensure your money and reputation go to waste. Nothing sends the the audience the signal “You have nothing to do with this performance” quite like seating everyone no less than a metric mile of the edge of the stage. This way audience members can chat with each other throughout the show while feeling – wrongly – that it has no impact on the overall performance.

The above are just a few basic, feng-shui examples of how to ruin the entertainment portion of your event. The truth is, there are almost as many ways to ruin it as there are second-rate entertainers to ruin it for you.

Do you know other ways to ensure that entertaining at your event is as uphill a battle as possible?


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Amsterdam Less So… Casino On 47-Year Hot Streak…In Search Of Free Lunch, Economist Settles For Early-Bird Special At Denny’s…  Agnostic Thanks God, “If Any”… Congress Awards Itself Cost-Of-Giving Increase… Gambling Addict Awards Casino Oversize, Cardboard Check…An Abundance Of Cowardice Characterized As An Abundance Of Caution… Occupier Only Trusts Tea Partier To Babysit Toddler… Lonely, Friendless Porn Star Nonetheless Can’t Believe His Incredible Luck… Return Of Duel To Senate Floor Raises Congress’ Approval Rating To 100%… New Entitlement Free, You Just Pay Separate Shipping And Handling… Union Guy Simultaneously Clocks Out, Starts Giving A Shit… Foodie Seduced By Sexie… Family Man Works Tirelessly To Provide For IRS… Dolphin Tattoo Not Yet Regretted… Philosophy Professor Believes In Tenure More Than Own Existence…  Professional Tax Preparers Thrilled With Complexity Of Tax Code… Works Hard To Stay On Welfare… German Strike Starts And Ends Right On Schedule… States Seek Giant Nicotine Patch To Cure Addiction To Tobacco Taxes… Americans Shrug As TSA Begins Delousing Travelers Before Flights…Traveler Agreeing To Terms Of Emergency Exit Row Actually Means It For Once… Haitian Traveler Bumped Up To Economy… Tourist Awed By Greece’s History, Architecture, Utter Disregard For Future Generations… Hungry Researcher Grazes On Placebos… Sex Mistaken For Foreplay Again… Nation’s Wives Go On Fault-Finding Mission… Early Voter Now Undecided… NASCAR Bans Helmet-To-Helmet Contact… American Dream Now Selling A Home… Budget Shortfalls Force States To Choose Between Boondoggles… Climate Scientist’s Wife Peer Reviewed… Kid Would Love A Non-Educational Toy For Once… Man Proposes To Stripper On One Knee, 6 Gin And Tonics… Reversible Suicide Vest Dominates Islamic Fashion Scene… Atheist Convinces Spouse Of God’s Existence… Man Finally Earns Sufficient Income to Lose “Hard-Working” Label… German Job Title Longer Than Elevator Speech… Gross Negligence Upgraded To Totally Disgusting Negligence… Old-School Guy Thinks Area Broad Would Make First-Rate Cigarette Girl… Performing Card Trick At Cocktail Party Considered “Nuclear Option”… Adopted Man Seeks Biological Weapons… Vicious Circle Bitch Slaps Love Triangle… Congress Replaces Debt Ceiling With Debt Floor… Congress Totally Pumped About Latest Ban… Something In Italy Happens On Time… Highly-Paid NFL Analyst Predicts SuperBowl Will Be “Physical”… Man Tears Phonebook In Half While Explaining What Phonebooks Were… Congress Has “Great Idea” On Improving Internet… PENTAGON: Second Decade Of Afghan War To Be “Even Better” Than First… Novice Comedian Not Sure If Jokes About Congress Will Sit Well With Audiences… BREAKING: Woman Completely Satisfied…Improvised Explosive Device Only Creative Thing Man Has Ever Done… Gun Store Not Robbed Again…  Good Judge Of Character Least Popular Guy In Room… Thing More Boring Than X Games… Debt-Ceiling Now Retractable… Al Jazeera’s Credibility Takes Hit With Al Gore Affiliation…  Mount Everest Climber Loses Prized Nose… Taliban Applaud’s Pentagon Decision To Open Combat Roles To Women… Gun Stores Declared Gun-Free Zones… Former Supporter Of “Bringing The War Home” Now Advocating Strict Gun Control Laws…  Earthquake Best Thing To Hit Afghanistan In 3,00 Years… Workers Of The World Uniting Behind Capitalism…Montreal Man Pursues Canadian Dream Of Seeing Doctor In U.S… Congressman Reminds Constituent He Did Not Say “At Ease”… Tax Code Allows Write-Off For Kissing Ring Of Federal Employee… U.S. Establishes Democracy In Afghanistan, Taliban Wins Governing Majority… Weight Lifted From Man’s Shoulders As Weight Is Lifted From Man’s Shoulders… Counter-Cultural Architecture Impossible To Live With, In… Workout Successfully Postponed 12 Years And Counting.. Workout Successfully Postponed 12 Years And Counting… Riyadh Salesman Throws In Matching Blazer With Purchase Of Suicide Vest… Man Uses Salt Progressively… BREAKING: Non-Existant Debt Ceiling Raised Again… Greek Tourism Board Can Do No Better Than “Where Austerity Comes To Life”… Gridlocked Electorate Mystified At Source Of Congress’ Gridlock… Population Growth Keeps Pace With Unemployment… NFL: Kansas City Chiefs Fired… HURRICANE SANDY: Floodwaters Force U.N. Diplomats Into 3-Star Restaurants… Senator Accused Of Shortchanging Colombian Hooker… Graduate Student Still At That Awkward Age… Busy Woman Grateful For Premature Ejaculation… Prostitute Extrapolates To Determine Size Of Man’s Feet… Palestinian Acquires Nuclear Weapon, Asks How To Throw It… Really Lazy Guy Has Snap On Pocket Square… EGYPT: Radical Muslims Clash With Super-Duper Radical Muslims… Fiancé A Little Too Thrilled With Way Prenup Turned Out… Roger Ebert Gives “The Innocence Of Muslims” Two Thumbs Off… NFL:  Replacement Referees Return To Congress… Magician Specializes In Card Tricks, Puffery… SPAIN: Austerity Protesters Grateful Police Lack Funding For Riot Gear… SCOTUS: Justice Thomas Quietly Recuses Self In “Hooters vs. The United States Of America”… U.S. Tax Code Reduced To Bible Length… U.N: Iran’s Nuclear Program Less Than Two Years From Being Destroyed By Israel… Half Of Louisiana Without Power, Other Half Never Had It In The First Place… Magician’s Aura Beats The Hell Out Of Juggler’s Aura… New Diversity Hire Brings More Diversity Than Bargained ForNASA: Neil Armstrong Died Believing He Had Landed In India… Democrats Propose Cutting Reality In Half By 2017… Afghan Woman Being Stoned To Death Angry AT Republican’s “War on women”… Alcoholic Careful Not To Eat On Empty Stomach… Homeless Woman Home Schools Children… Physicists Awed By Complexity Of U.S. Tax Code… U.K: Royal Family Ordered To Pay 1,000 Years Of Back Taxes… Footage Described As “Disturbing” More Than A Little Arousing… Seething Blood Feud Downgraded To Spat…  EURO CRISIS: Greece Agrees To Mow Germany’s Lawn… STUDY: Job-Training Subsidies Create Thousands Of Jobs For Job Trainers. CHINA: Pregnant Woman Diagnosed With Girl….. .. Las Vegas, Amsterdam To Become Sister Cities, Raise Hell This Weekend… Politician Takes Break From Messaging To Utter Single, Verifiable Fact… Area Crack Addict Assures You Money Lent Him Will Go Toward Paying Off The National Debt… Russia’s Support For Syria Sounds About Right… L.A. Defeats Miami To Win Championship, Detroit Fans Riot… Colorado Fire Shortage Ends Overnight… Area Moron Digs Beneath Great Wall Of China – Lengthwise… American “Running Of The Bulls” Followed Immediately By American “Arrival Of The Lawyers”…